Raising Resilient Kids Deborah Gilboa, MD www.AskDoctorG.com

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: Confidence Competence Relationships hap·pi· ness: noun

“Happiness Now” Pressure Unattainable Conflicts with resilience Removes opportunity for resilience “practice” Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok Limits the resources we offer We’re terrible at predicting it for others

WHY DO ADULTS SAY NO? Love Fear Guilt Genuine enjoyment responsibility Future consequences Relationship rupture Guilt

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES Myth: “Only I can fix this!” Truth: Failure must be experienced.

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

THE COST “Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

HOW DOES FAILURE HELP? independence → confidence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience. 8

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES Mistakes Accidents Pain Social consequences Judgment 11:00 News…

WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? Doing = learning. When not if language Life skills Relationship skills Problem-solving Expectation of failure Look for chances to take one step back.

RESILIENCE Mistakes Praise Life lessons Choices Risk-taking Resources!

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult involvement harms Confidence Competence Relationships

5 protective factors in resilience social competence problem-solving skills Autonomy sense of purpose use of storytelling 5 protective factors in resilience

Resilience in Practice Build trust Demonstrate gratitude Express empathy Connect resources Offer solutions Resilience in Practice

Resilience requires trust. FINDING RESILIENCE Resilience requires trust. “I’ll be interested to see what you do!”

When-not-if Language Set Remove Model Set expectations Model the cycle Remove Remove the premise of failure Set Set expectations When-not-if Language

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult involvement harms Confidence Competence Relationships

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