by Karlin Bruegel, Ph.D. and “A” Healthy Boundaries by Karlin Bruegel, Ph.D. and “A”

Respect Respect is… Asking before touching someone, and respecting their answer if they say “No.” Seeing another person as someone else with thoughts, feelings, and needs, like you. Not bugging or pestering someone with something that makes them upset or uncomfortable.

trust Trust is… Being honest with someone, and trusting that the other person is being honest with you. Not telling lies Not spreading rumors Not saying one thing, and doing another Being vulnerable with someone, because you trust that they will respect your boundaries and rights. (Example: They won’t touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable.)

Hugs and kisses if you want them Ask before hugging or touching someone People should also seek your consent/permission before touching you. “No” means “no!” You have a right to say “No!” Other people also have a right to say “No!”

Protecting your boundaries Being friendly and polite is OK Giving people compliments is OK. Giving hugs when people have given permission to be hugged is OK. Receiving hugs when you’ve given permission for a hug is OK. Saying “No” when someone or something makes you uncomfortable or upset is OK. It’s OK to have friends, or to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex can wait.

Staying safe Some people are nice or trustworthy, but other people are not. Be careful about sharing personal information like pictures of yourself, your address, or where you live. If you’re unsure about whether another person is trustworthy or nice, ask someone you trust for advice. Let your parents meet your friends or boyfriends. If someone makes you uncomfortable, listen to that feeling.

Untrustworthy people Don’t let anyone hurt you or drag you down. Untrustworthy and dangerous people will: Not listen when you say “No” or “Stop.” Not care about your feelings or safety. Pressure you to do things that hurt you, or make you feel uncomfortable. Make fun of your feelings, or make fun of you when you feel hurt or uncomfortable. Shame or guilt-trip you into doing things that feel wrong. (Example: “You would do this if you really liked me!”) Say nice-but-dishonest things to make you do what they want you to do. (Example: “Say you’re pretty, just because they want sex.”) Hurt people who are smaller or weaker than them.