Intro to Psychology Unit 5: Conflict David Rude

Conflict is the result of miscommunication Conflict is the result of miscommunication. Miscommunication with your self and/or others. Learning to really listen - handout Being unable to decide or choose or get what we want can lead to conflict. Stubbornness, using defense mechanisms, distorted thinking and self – hate can all lead to conflict.

“The Word” by R. S. Thomas A pen appeared, and the god said:   A pen appeared, and the god said: ‘write what it is to be man.’ And my hand hovered long over the bare page, until there, like footprints of the lost traveler, letters took shape on the page’s blankness, and I spelled out the word ‘lonely.’ And my hand moved to erase it; but the voices of all those waiting at life’s window cried out: ‘it’s true.’

but myself, and sometimes see in shop-windows, “Self Portrait” I resemble everyone but myself, and sometimes see in shop-windows, despite the well-known laws of optics, the portrait of a stranger, date unknown, often signed in a corner by my father. A. K. Ramanjuan

Conflict is a normal part of relationships and/but New research shows that couples who say “we”

“Are women better communicators than men?” Conflict When you struggle with your partner/family member/etc. you are struggling with yourself.   Every fault to see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within yourself. “Are women better communicators than men?”

Dealing with personal conflict What is the single greatest obstacle or problem you are dealing with right now? Step 1: How do you feel about this problem? Be specific.   Step 2: What does it mean that you are having this problem?   Step 3: What are the challenges and opportunities that this problem presents?

Conflict Resolution Three basic styles Non-Assertive Assertive Aggressive Resolve conflict in mutually satisfying manner Avoid Conflict Win I ignore my needs and satisfy yours Compromise Both our needs are satisfied I ignore your needs and satisfy mine

“Interpreting Self Control Conflicts” – watch video Do Conflict Resilience assessment

Conflict Resilience scoring key 15-39 Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is highly recommended. 40-54 Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended. 55-69 You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more. 70-75 You are definitely conflict resilient!

Non-Assertive Beliefs If I speak up or assert myself, others may become angry or upset with me. If others become angry or upset, I may not be able to handle the situation. It is wrong and selfish to refuse the requests of others. If I allow myself to be selfish in this way it makes me a “bad” person.

Non-Assertive Beliefs I must avoid asking questions or making statements that might make me look stupid or ignorant. If I speak up others may not like me. I prefer others to be open and straight-forward with me, but, if I’m straight forward and open with others, I will hurt them. I am responsible for how others feel. (Common variation: I should be able to find a way of acting that will not hurt others.)

Aggressive Beliefs I must always be strong. People who compromise are weak. I must always be in control. Life is a win or lose game. If I do not win, I have lost. “Giving in” in any way means I am weak and the other person has “won.” It also means this person has taken advantage of me. My solutions and methods are best. If they are not accepted I am a failure. People are always trying to take away what is mine. I must stay on guard and fight to keep what’s mine

“10 Ways to be more assertive” Handout “Assertiveness” “10 Ways to be more assertive”

Rights & Responsibilities Relationship between rights and responsibilities Non-assertive Need to become more aware of rights Aggressive Need to become more aware of responsibilities.

“You” and “I” Messages You message Assigns blame or puts the listener down I message Tells in an objective manner what you See Think or feel Want Often only need to say what you see or want

Handout on…. “I” Messages “Controlling Women”

D.E.R. Scripts Three Parts D = Describe the problem. Describe a problem clearly and objectively. Produce the least amount of resistance Three Parts D = Describe the problem. E = Express your thoughts or feelings. R = Request what you want

D.E.R. Scripts Over generalize Common errors in D (Describe) Over generalize Words like “never,” “always,” and “every.” Be specific to time and place Too long 3 Sentences maximum

D.E.R. Scripts Common errors in E (Express) Too emotional Low key is best Disappointed, upset, angry, concerned Blaming Trying to make the other person feel bad Mind-reading or psychoanalyzing Guessing at goals, attitudes, or intentions.

D.E.R. Scripts Common errors in R (Request) Not stating what you want Using unclear or vague terms Examples: respect, responsible State in behavior terms – what you want the person to do Asking for changes in personality or deeply entrenched behaviors

Self assertion Self-assertion: Aggression: Standing up for your rights by speaking out in your own behalf A direct, honest expression of feelings and desires Aggression: Hurting another person or achieving one’s goals at the expense of another person

What Is Normal? Psychopathology Scientific study of mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders Also refers to abnormal or maladaptive behavior Schizophrenia or depression

What are the problems with using statistical abnormality as the only means of identifying psychopathology? Statistical abnormality tells us nothing about the meaning of deviations from the norm – statistically a high IQ is as abnormal as a very low one. Sometimes a deviation is only a problem in one direction (high or low – anxiety, IQ) Where do we draw the line between normal and abnormal Median varies in different populations

Defining (Ab)normality Situational Context Social situation, behavioral setting, or general circumstances in which behavior takes place.

What are the problems with using social non-conformity as the only means of identifying psychopathology? Need to differentiate between unhealthy nonconformity from creative lifestyles. Charming and emotionally stable but eccentric vs abnormal.

Defining (Ab)normality Core features Maladaptive Behavior Difficult to cope with day-to-day life Loss of ability to control Thoughts Behaviors Feelings

Introducing the concept of abnormalities Winnie the Pooh and friends