Alfred Adler PARENTING

Democratic and Encouragign: form of Authoritative Child is seen as an equal, integrated part of the family. Loved and accepted for who she is. The child is offered reasonable, progressive challenges to become a contributor. Sets limits; consequences over punishment Child finds security and strength to conquer difficulties. Not afraid to try and fail.

Punitive: Form of Authoritarian Galley slave being mercilessly tormented by master. Feels injustice, helplessness, and burns for revenge. While wanting retaliation, also feels guilty, thinks of herself as bad. Hates the punishing parent. May lie and hide. May fear his own impulses for revenge.

Perfectionist: form Authoritarian Child is a perpetual runner, trying to go faster and faster, but never fast enough to please the parent. Child is only accepted when performance is “winning”, is perfect. Child feels unworthy and unloved. May develop physical symptoms.

Overly Coercive: form of Authoritarian Child is like a trained dog OR a stubborn donkey. Pushing-resistance cycle. Constant instruction, supervision, nagging… OUTCOMES: 1. Docile obedience 2. Active rebellion, overt defiance 3. Passive resistance, dawdling, “forgetting”, devious, covert rebellion.

Overindulgent: form of Permissive Child is at the receiving end of a cornucopia with endless goods and services pouring out. Child is passive and nothing is required of him. Child is indifferent to the needs and struggles of others. Can be bored by wonderful things. Loses initiative because she can!

Overly Submissive form of Permissive Child sits imperiously on the throne, parents bow to her whims. Child is active, impulsive and demanding. Child is bossy, temper tantrums, ignores rights and needs of others, lacks any sense of limits.

Neglecting: form of Neglecting This is like a child locked out on a cold night with his little nose pressed against the window. 1. Frequently absent or preoccupied with work, poverty, wealth, alcohol, illness. No one sets limits. 2. Child lacks ability to form close relationships. Never feels someone cares . May idealize parent.

Family is the child’s first community, this is why Adler puts such a heavy on this. He believed that by the age of five, we had written some solid FICTIONS about ourselves. These are the frameworks we use to interpret the world. In therapy, we can write new fictions and focus our “drive to superiority” on goals that lead to “social interest”. Socratic dialogue, dreams, statements about relationships, childhood traumas and current troubles are all part of the therapeutic process.

Don’t forget, however, that children are very resilient and can overcome many obstacles. Sometimes it just takes one caring person in the child’s life to make a difference. Keep in mind that might be you. Don’t forget that every decision a parent makes is new. Parents are often faced with complex situations and no concrete guidelines. It the balance of the choices and the foundation of love that is most important, NOT perfection!