Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Professor of Counselor Education University of Montana – john.sf@mso.umt.edu Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

Workshop Overview This workshop is rated “PG” A blend of personal discoveries and evidence Caveats and excuses This is YOUR workshop Talking and not talking – Practice Communicate respectfully We will never get finished

Today’s Plan Introductory comments and opening story Brainstorm on the problem behavior Four sources of parental power Your favorite strategies and techniques John’s favorite strategies and techniques Stunning conclusions

Two Minute Reflection Have you ever had a time when you didn’t want to: Get out of bed in the morning? Do the dishes? Mow your lawn? Floss your teeth? Read a book assigned to you by someone else? Go to work? How did that work out?

An Undesirable Assignment In one minute, I will “volunteer” someone to come up in front and talk The topic will be . . .

Your Personal Reflections What gets in the way of you doing something that someone else assigns you? What thoughts get in the way? What feelings/emotions get in the way? What impulses get in the way? What might get in the way of children attending school? [Google NASP and School Refusal for a nice handout]

Motivational Theories: Behaviorism The Carrot and Stick What are some easy and effective rewards? What are some easy and effective consequences? What’s wrong with too much behaviorism? [Extrinsic Motivation System]

Motivation and Emotion Basic psychology textbooks Happy people are productive, helpful, and better problem-solvers It’s not the chocolate, it’s not the relationship, it’s the fact that these things put students in positive moods – that’s what facilitates cooperation

Adlerian Theory How does Alfred Adler reframe “Lazy?” See: All students want to succeed Lazy young people aren’t really lazy, they just have goals that are too high . . . so they quit trying Or, lazy students aren’t lazy, they’ve been spoiled and expect adults to do everything for them https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2019/04/04/alfred-adler-all-day-long/

Embrace Your Power: Reasons to Behave To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), we need to provide youth with: A Sense of Belonging; and Feelings of Usefulness

Embrace Your Power I Direct Power Grandma’s Rule Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward] Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges) Pre-set Rules with Consequences

Embrace Your Power II Indirect Power The new attitude (eliminate the dread) Modeling Encouragement Give choices

Embrace Your Power III Problem-Solving Power Solution talk: How did you? Behavioral alternatives What has worked before? Mutual problem-solving – Tonight Collaboratively generated family rules Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast   Name Description Released Price 1 Talking with Children about Life & Death Episode 13 4/17/2017 Free View in iTunes 2 Teens & Depression Episode 12 4/3/2017 3 When Teens Talk Back Episode 11 3/20/2017 4 Let's Do The Sex Talk Again Episode 10 3/6/2017 5 Post-Partum Depression – It’s Harder than You Think Episode 9 2/20/2017 6 Divorce and Shared Parenting Episode 8 2/6/2017 7 Love, Sex, Babies, and Happiness Episode 7 1/23/2017 8 The Challenges of Step-Parenting Episode 6 1/8/2017 9 Sleep Well in 2017 & Beyond Episode 5 12/26/2016

Embrace Your Power IV Relationship Power Everyday connection and greeting Recreation and play (and food**) Special time – More tonight A favor or I.O.U. Guilt (I’m disappointed)

Embrace Your Power: Guidelines Emphasize belonging Emphasize usefulness Use a balance of power strategies Have high hopes, but realistic expectations Remember what’s important Lean on your friends, relatives, and colleagues for support

Power Pyramid Direct Indirect Prob Solving Relationship

Your Favorite Strategies Five minutes of discussion/reflection

JSF’s One Line Responses I don’t know = Take a guess; what if. . . ? I don’t care = What if you did? I don’t have to do this = You’re absolutely right! (Pause) And even though I want you to do it, I can’t make you. This is stupid! = You’re right. I’ll do better next time. What’s least stupid? I don’t want to = Me neither. We need to do some things; let’s schedule a “don’t want to” day

Magic Words and Strategies Join with the child (teen) “I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _” Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that I really hate to do too.”

Magic Words and Strategies II Ask permission to collaborate Acknowledge expertise Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy] Use experimental language – Try together?

Set Limits Be the boss you’d like to have yourself. You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example] Give a choice: You can go to school or ____[Insert plan]___________. You choose. Set the limit – By asking: “What will happen if?” Set the limit – By stating it yourself

Problem-Solve with Children Join with the child to discuss how they can comply: “We have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?” Hope along with the child for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”

Problem-Solve II Nurture the child’s “Protective Factors” – What strengths does the person have to apply to this difficult situation? Express your belief in the child’s ability to comply and succeed: “I know you can do this.” Don’t be isolated; get help as needed

The Stunning Conclusions What do you want to remember? What do you want to apply? Motivation is an inside/outside dance with many different strategies . . . All that lead to encouragement are good.

For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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