Stop Sabotaging Intimacy! “Building a Long Term Connection when a couple is affected by ADHD” Michael Uram, MA, LMFT, LPCC UramFamilyTherapy.com

My partner is so frustrating!!!! ADHD is a complex disorder that affects relationships and marriages in many ways. Separating the person from the disorder is key. Tonight’s topics are designed to educate couples on ADHD’s effect on marriage and specifically how it sabotages intimacy. I would like for you to walk out of the talk saying, “I need to slow down my brain and be present with my thoughts more; then I could act towards with my partner with the goal of intimacy first and everything else last.” The goal for all couples (particularly those with ADHD) is not to stop fighting — it’s going to happen — but to learn how to have “good fights.” - Melissa Orlov The Gottman’s have a method called Constructive Conflict Management, which starts with a soft startup rather than a harsh start up and ends in calmness rather than anger.

ADHD affects self regulation and emotional regulation significantly It is more important to notice how you self regulate. In many ways, ADHD is an awareness disorder. If your partner notices something about your self regulation, consider their point, rather than say, “I’m not mad!!!!!” “Self-regulation involves (1) any action an individual directs at themselves so as to (2) result in a change in their behavior (from what they might otherwise have done) in order to (3) change the likelihood of a future consequence or attainment of a goal. “ - Russell Barkley - A Living ADHD Database :) www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/ADHD_EF_and_SR.pdf

Six Steps to Managing Difficult Emotions - Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/blog/6stepstomindfullydealwithdifficultemotions 1. Turn Toward your emotion with acceptance (Ekman Tool may help) 2. Identify and label the Emotion 3. Accept your emotions 4. Recognize that emotions are temporary. 5. Inquire and Investigate 6. Let go of control, you likely will still be okay.

Gottman’s Constructive Conflict Management Soften Startup Accept Influence Make Effective Repairs During Conflict De-escalate Psychological Soothing of Self and Partner Compromise

Take a couples assessment tool Prepare/ Enrich: Great tool to understand boundaries and stress as well as marriage: https://www.prepare-enrich.com/webapp/pecv/the_assessment/template/DisplaySecureContent.vm;pc=1553101616514?id=pecv*the_assessment*assessmentpage.html&xlat=Y&emb_org_id=0&emb_sch_id=0&emb_lng_code=ENGLISH Gottman Relationship Check: More research based than the Prepare/ Enrich: https://checkup.gottman.com/

Get Trained. There are marriage trainings, emotion trainings. There are so many resources out there! Emotional Awareness: https://www.paulekman.com/micro-expressions-training-tools/ The Art and Science of Love: https://www.gottman.com/couples/workshops/art-science-of- love/ Latest Research: https://www.sciencedaily.com/news/mind_brain/add_and_adhd/

Six Steps ADHD Sabotages Relationships - Additude Editors https://www.additudemag.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/6-Ways-ADHD-Sabotages-Relationships.pdf Chronic Lateness Unhealthy Relationship Roles Poor Communication Emotional Volatility Sexual Snafus Adultery

Emotional Resonance Savor a conversation that went well. Often, we forget what went well, because there is a new problem to solve. In a marriage, it is incredibly important to savor the good conversations. 1) Aesthetic communication. 2) Communication presence. 3) Nonverbal communication. 4) Recognition and acknowledgement. 5) Relational communication. 6) Extraordinary communication. 7) Implicitly shared communication.

Resources 11 Rules for Fighting Right and Forgiving Faster by Melissa Orlov: https://www.additudemag.com/marriage-communication-adhd-spouses/ The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD by Melissa Orlov: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/193776110X?ie=UTF8&tag=adhdmarriagec- 20&linkCode=as2& Greater OCCHADD: https://greaterocchadd.org/ Online Support, https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/ and CHADD’s information library: https://chadd.org/adhd-information-library/ Prepare Enrich Couples Club: https://www.prepare- enrich.com/webapp/pecv/couples/template/DisplaySecureContent.vm;pc=1553101616510;j sessionid=8A297B509180DA464C57124983481A25?id=pecv*couples*couple_resources.h tml&xlat=Y&emb_org_id=0&emb_sch_id=0&emb_lng_code=ENGLISH And her website: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

ADHD Marriage Stories Additude Magazine surveyed over 1,000 couples. The biggest saboteur to intimacy was anger. Individuals with ADHD often get angrier than their non-ADHD partner. This is the first component to the Gottman method’s Six Steps to Resolving Conflict. https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-statistics-personal-stories/

Faith based resources I am a strong proponent of reaching out to faith based marriage support. They are different than a therapist in that they are your community of support beyond a marriage and family therapist or psychologist. The groups that they offer give couples the feeling that they are not alone.

Marriage and your Faith Christian: https://www.marinerschurch.org/marriage-ministry/ https://saddleback.com/connect/ministry/keeping-the-marriage-alive-workshop/lake-forest https://www.therockanaheim.com/ministries https://www.rcbo.org/resource/marriage-enrichment-resources/ https://calvarylife.org/connect/marriage--family/

Marriage and your faith Jewish: https://familyservicesoc.org/counseling-services-copy https://www.tbsoc.com/community/chavurah-program-at-temple-beth-sholom/ Muslim: https://www.iioc.com/premarital-marital-counseling/ Hindu: http://mandir.ws/

Contact Us Michael Uram can be contacted at UramFamilyTherapy.com, 949-777-6694 or michael@michaeluram.com Please feel free to subscribe to my newsletter or to contact me to ask questions, even if you have no intention of seeking my services, I am here to help :)