Chapter 8 Improving Your Listening Skills

What prevents you from listening?

Why is listening so hard? Distractions I pod, IM’s, texts, phone Others mannerisms Preconceptions What you already think about the speaker Maybe you don’t respect them, Don’t like their opinion

Why is listening so hard? Cont. Self absorption You like talking and listening to yourself rather than anyone else You are busy thinking about your own agenda Daydreaming Fallen into a mental “black hole” Boredom

Overcoming Barriers to Good Listening Distractions. Don’t let environmental disturbances monopolize your attention. Preconceptions. Don’t dismiss what is being said before you’ve even heard it. Self-absorption. Focus on the speaker, not on your own response. Daydreaming. Concentrate on the speaker even if your mind wants to race ahead.

Listening Effectively Active listening Be physically prepared Be open Be curious Ask questions Listen for meaning and verbal cues Listen between the lines Take notes

Active listening “So what I hear you saying is…” “I understand that you…” “Let me see if I have this right…” You are concentrating on the speaker You are participating in the communication Nonverbal – attentive behavior

Strategies for Active Listening Be physically prepared. Protect your hearing. Have it checked if you have trouble hearing. Sit close to speakers. Be open. Listen with respect and without judging. Evaluate the message later. Be curious. You will learn more by being observant and objective about listening.

Strategies for Active Listening Ask Questions. Questions engage the speaker and clarify your understanding. Ask open-ended questions to get more detail. Ask closed-ended, “yes or no” questions to verify your understanding of the message. Keep your questions relevant to the conversation.

Strategies for Active Listening Listen for meaning and verbal cues. Think critically as you listen. Identify ideas, facts, and relationships in the speaker’s words. Listen between the lines. Pay attention to nonverbal cues from the speaker. Take Notes. This will force you to pay attention and decide what is most important.

Be Physically Prepared Make sure you are in an environment where you can hear Sit close to the front Watch the speakers nonverbal cues

Be Open Means you risk having to change you feelings, ideas or attitudes Non-judgmental Willing to accept other person Let the message get through

COMMON LISTENING ERRORS Overshooting Parroting Adding The Message Lagging Rushing Added line around center circle for better clarity - when possible CHANGE illustration in Parent Workbook to match by inserting this PowerPoint slide on page 40 Subtracting Analyzing Undershooting

THE 12 ROADBLOCKS 1. Ordering 7. Praising 2. Warning 8. Name Calling 3. Moralizing 9. Analyzing 4. Advising 10. Reassuring 5. Arguing 11. Probing 6. Judging 12. Being Sarcastic Do these look familiar? Review what some of the people said. Why do you think Roadblocks are ineffective? Put-down message – chip away at a child’s self esteem. Put blame on child; make child feel guilty for his or her own needs Roadblock are “you messages” they incorrectly shift the focus from “I have a problem” to “you have a problem” BREAK

Telling other to do something Giving orders or commands 1. ORDERING Directing Commanding Telling other to do something Giving orders or commands Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Stop crying” “Go to your room” “Apologize to her” “Quit your whining”

Telling others what consequences will follow if she/ he does something 2. WARNING Threatening Admonishing Telling others what consequences will follow if she/ he does something Have you used these sayings or heard them? “I'm warning you, if you do that, then…” “I’m going to tell you one more time…” “That better be the last time..” “You’ll never make friends if…”

Telling other what he/she should or out to do 3. MORALIZING Preaching Obliging Telling other what he/she should or out to do Roadblocks take responsibility for solving the problem away from the other person “I don’t think you are capable of solving your own problem – so I will take over!” Have you used these sayings or heard them?” “You should never have done that.” “You should have told me about this as soon as it happened.” “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

4. ADVISING Giving suggestions Giving solutions Telling other how to solve his/her problem Have you used these sayings or heard them? “The best thing for you to do is forget it ever happened.” “What I would do is…” “Why don’t you…” “Let me suggest…”

5. ARGUING Persuading with logic Instructing Lecturing Trying to influence other with facts, logic, information or teaching your opinion Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Here’s why you’re wrong…” “The facts are…” “Yes, but…” “Why don’t you just try to find another job?”

6. JUDGING Criticizing Blaming Nagging disagreeing Making negative judgments or evaluations of others Other Roadblocks are judgmental. They send the message that the child is wrong! Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Maybe you started the fight?” “You’re not thinking maturely. “Now look what you have done?”

Evaluating positively Approving “Me-too” 7.PRAISING Agreeing Evaluating positively Approving “Me-too” My mom agrees with me! There is no area for discussion. The roadblock is there is not problem to discuss. Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Well, I think you’ve done a great job.” “You have so much potential.” “You’re right…that teachers sounds like a jerk.” “You’ve always made it in the past.”

8. NAME - CALLING Ridiculing Shaming Labeling Stereotyping SLOB Stupid! Some Roadblocks discount the feelings of the child or tell the child he/she is stupid or bad Almost never appropriate and run the risk of creating a problem in the child (hurt, worried, fear…)\ Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Stop being a crybaby!” “It is stupid the worry about one low test grade.” “You are a bad sport.” “You are a slob leaving all your cloths on the floor” "You idiot" CRY BABY

Interpreting Diagnosing 9. ANALYZING Have you used these sayings or heard them? “You’re just doing that to get attention.” “All that is wrong with you is…” “What you really mean is…” “You are just tired.”

Supporting Sympathizing Consoling 10. REASSURING Roadblock which divert only to try to cover up the problem or send the message that the problem is not worthy of discussion. Have you used these sayings or heard them? “You will feel different tomorrow.” “It’s not that bad.” “Don’t worry, I know you’ll do a great job.” “Things will work out for the best….you’ll see.”

Probing Interrogating 11. QUESTIONING When you ask a child (or an adult) a question such as “Why are you confused?” the child has to stop and ask herself; “Do I know the answer?” If the child is unsure or does not know, it blocks her form continuing or at lease provides a distraction. Teenagers are reluctant to give answers – because do they really want the parent to know the answer? Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Why did you do that?” “Who talked you into doing such a thing?”

Diverting Humoring Distracting Being sarcastic 12. WITHDRAWING Sarcasm Have you used these sayings or heard them? “Let’s have lunch and forget about it!” “That reminds me of the time when…” “You think you’ve got problems!” “It is a good thing the president doesn’t have problem as big as yours.” SHOW F.E.T. Video on Session 5

VIDEO

CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGE 1. Non-blameful description of BEHAVIOR 2. Primary, congruent FEELINGS 3. Concrete, tangible EFFECTS Here is the alternative to Roadblocks A more effective way of influencing a child to change his or her unacceptable behavior. Roadblock are “you messages” they incorrectly shift the focus from “I have a problem” to “you have a problem” Confronting “I messages” It describes in a non-blaming way what the child said or did that is unacceptable to you It describes the conrete and tangible effects of that behavior on you. It describes you feelings about the behavior or the efffect of the behavior on you.

What to wear What to say What to ask Interviewing skills What to wear What to say What to ask

Types of questions Open ended questions Close ended questions Hypothetical questions Leading questions Multi-barrelled questions Behavioral questions

Open ended questions “Tell me a little about yourself…” What are your strengths? “What do you like to do in your spare time?” What are your interests? NOT about your family

Close ended questions Specific YES or NO questions Asked when the interviewer wants specific information, often factual or technical in nature, these questions can frequently be answered with a “yes” or “no”

These will assess your ability to think on your feet. Hypothetical “What would you do if…?” These will assess your ability to think on your feet.

Leading questions

Multi-barrelled questions

Behavioral questions

Tomorrow Dress for an interview

Use your communication skills Interviews Group interviews One interviewee Four interviewers Individual interviews Use your communication skills In class activity 5 points