Living Values Education www.livingvalues.net

Values-based Atmosphere Skills to Create a Values-based Atmosphere Appreciation, caring, encouragement Building Positive Behaviors Active Listening Values-based Discipline Modeling your values Conflict Resolution

Building Positive Behaviors Appreciation and Building Positive Behaviors What is our basic human need? How do you feel when everyone appreciates you and respects you?

Building Positive Behaviors Appreciation and Building Positive Behaviors The power of words. We remember the positive things our parents told us, and the negative. When we are children, we tend to repeat in our head the things that are said about us. We believe them. We know we had the good qualities they said we had, and that we are good at the things they said we are good at. We have to work hard as adults not to believe the things they said we were bad at.

Guidelines for effective acknowledging, affirming and “praise” Be genuine. Give believable praise, make it specific. Describe the act or behavior so the student can verify it is true. “The back of that B is nice and straight.” “You used words instead of your fists.” “Your friendliness helped Amar feel welcome. “ “You remembered a topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph.” “Great attention and eye contact when our guest came in!” “Thanks for picking that up. That’s a big help”. Age-appropriate delivery – socially appropriate for the person. Some toddlers love “gushing”, but not teens!

Guidelines for effective acknowledging, affirming and “praise” continue When you are helping the child develop a new behavior, praise it immediately. Decrease attention to the behavior once it is established. Qualities – Pair specific/descriptive praise with a quality. “I noticed the way you helped Todd. You were patient and kind.” “You brought that in on time three times in a row. You are growing responsibility.” “Praise” always leaves a positive feeling – no spoilers or comparisons

Active Listening  

Active Listening is accepting another’s feelings . . . is understanding and compassion. It is NOT agreeing!     1) Reflect the emotion and/or content   2) Listen with your   Examples: You’re happy right now. It looks like your concerned about something. Your feelings got hurt when she said . . . So you felt _____ when ________.

Under flames of anger Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt, fear, shame, feeling unsafe +++ +++++ Positive qualities are at the core.  

Active Listening . . . avoid Blockers and Stoppers Giving solutions “I know what you should do. You should _____.” Diminishing “Don’t be silly. That isn’t important. Distracting “Think of something else. Don’t think about ___.” Moralizing “One day you will learn. My mother always used to say, _____.”  

Active Listening . . . avoid Blockers and Stoppers Sympathizing “You poor thing. Bad things always happen to you.” Judging “You are wrong to feel this way.” Accusing “What’s the matter with you? You always ____.” Admonishing “How many times have I told you ____?” Blaming “You’re always creating a mess.”  

Active Listening 1) Reflect the emotion and/or content   2) Listen with your   Examples: You’re happy right now. It looks like your concerned about something. Your feelings got hurt when she said . . . So you felt _____ when ________. During practice: No questions, nor giving of solutions, please!  

Validating Response Is accepting another’s feelings . . . is understanding and compassion. It IS AGREEING. This confirming response validates the experience of the sharer. Examples: If someone is sharing the pain of losing someone to war, and you have been active listening, you might want to be more validating in your response: “It’s so painful to lose a friend to war.” or “War is awful.” Or, if a friend is sharing how someone shamed them: “I feel violated, too, when someone does that to me.” or “It’s feels so violating when someone does that.”

Options after Active Listening . . . 1)  Give a gesture of caring and closure.   2) Give a validating response. 3) Encourage, give hope or confirm one or two of their positive qualities or values. 4) Reassure, give love and carry on. Help them understand — explain emotions and situations. Help them move out of victim mode by reflecting on the value or behavior they would like to see.

Options after Active Listening . . . 7) Offer a different perspective — help them reframe the problem. 8) Help the child think about solving the problem. ~ Empower to help solve. ~ Think about who or what could help. ~ Give an idea about a sensible direction to take. “What can you do to stay safe?” ~ When all else fails: Give a direct suggestion.   9) Give a correction … a four-step process with a dialogue about values (under discipline)

Problems Owned by the Child Problems Owned by the Parent/Caregiver/ Gordon’s Window Problems Owned by the Child (use active listening) No Problems The more healthy child-appropriate activities and trusting, nurturing relationships, the larger this part of the window will be – and the smaller the other parts of the window! Love, good nutrition, play, education, a values-based atmosphere, sports, reading, safety . . . and? Problems Owned by the Parent/Caregiver/ Authority Figure *Reference: Thomas Gordon

Values-based Discipline Staying above the line!  

LVE Theoretical Model B + - Educator’s Personal Values School Ethos: Care-Respect-Quality-Cooperation LOVE RESPECT VALUED UNDERSTOOD SAFE INADEQUACY HURT FEAR SHAME UNSAFE Motivation and Control Through Fear, Shame and Punishment

Values-based Discipline Lead by example with your values. Be peace, be caring, be respect. Enjoy the students. Establish classroom rules collaboratively. Help them put the rules in a positive form. Encourage. Use a Peaceful Quiet Signal – while peacefully waiting for ALL the students to be silent. With negativity, student anxiety increases. After all are quiet, help them focus, “This next one is challenging – I know you can do it.”

Values-based Discipline A non-punitive, centering Time Out or “Thinking Time” Create a Peace Tent or a Peace Corner – which they can decorate during Peace Unit activities with their art. Help them self-regulate with a Quietly/Being or Relaxation/Focusing Exercises daily. Help them develop positive alternative behaviors. Use fair, logical consequences. Communicate privately with older students if there is a behavior of concern: 1) State their positive qualities. 2) State the behavior of concern – and why. 3) Discuss the anti- values and values of the behavior of concern and positive alternative. 4) Offer to help or generate a plan together.

What three values would you like to hold Reflect What three values would you like to hold in your mind during the day while you teach? Please write those down.

Experience in your mind the three values you chose. Reflect Experience in your mind the three values you chose. When you experience these in your mind … do you feel happy or a calm sense of wellbeing?

Conflict Resolution  

Conflict Resolution Win – Win Students learn to communicate their feelings, listen respectfully to others, and generate positive solutions. Soon students will be handling all the conflicts! You are the Peaceful Facilitator – Modeling respect and listening skills while not taking sides.

Conflict Resolution Steps Please tell us what happened. How did you feel when that happened? What would you like to stop? What would you like him/her to do instead? Can you do that? Can you make a firm commitment to try to behave in the way you both have agreed? If one of them says “no,” ask each student to think of something he or she would like the two to do that would solve the problem. Ask them to think of ideas until they both agree they have a good solution and can commit to trying to carry it through.

Conflict Resolution Steps Ask each student: Do you want help? To Student 1: To Student 2: Please tell us what happened. Please repeat what he/she said. To Student 2: To Student 1: Please tell us what happened. Please repeat what he/she said. To Student 1: To Student 2: How did you feel when that happened? Please repeat what he/she said. To Student 2: To Student 1: What would you like to stop? Please repeat what he/she said. What would you like him to do instead? Please repeat what he/she said. What would you like her to do instead? Please repeat what he/she said. Can you do that? Can you do that?

A values-based atmosphere helps all young people feel loved, valued, respected, understood and safe. n Enjoy exploring values! Respect Peace Cooperation Responsibility Honesty Tolerance Simplicity Freedom Love Unity Humility Happiness