Showing Writing How to Be Specific

Showing Writing The storybooks that you read as very young children were filled with colorful illustrations that showed the events described on the accompanying pages; the writer did not have to describe the lovely red barn with the carved wooden trim, for the picture next to the caption read “The barn was beautiful” revealed the idea. However, in more mature literature, drawings disappear from the pages, and the writer assumes the role of illustrator. Language must be the brush and palette.

Paragraph 1 – The Bus Stop Each morning I ride the bus to school. I wait along with the other people who ride my bus. Sometimes the bus is late and we get angry. Some guys start fights and stuff just to have something to do. I’m always glad when the bus finally comes.

Paragraph 2 – The Bus Stop A bus arrived. It discharged its passengers, closed its doors with a hiss and disappeared over the crest of a hill. Not one of the people waiting at the bus stop attempted to board. One woman wore a sweater that was too small, a long skirt, white sweater socks, and house slippers. One man was in his undershirt. Another man wore shoes with the toes cut out, a soiled blue serge jacket and brown pants. There was something wrong with these people. They made faces. A mouth smiled at nothing and unsmiled, smiled and unsmiled. A head shook in vehement denial. Most of them carried brown paper bags rolled tight against their stomachs.

Telling Sentence: The new students were lonely. It was the first day of school and there were two new students, Dick and Dan, who had moved over the summer. They were brothers and this was a new city and school which they had come to, and in this school they would have to make friends because neither of them knew anybody or anyone. -Freshman Student

Critique of: The Students were lonely. This piece of writing is composed entirely of generalities (telling sentences). The writer explains the cause of the loneliness – a new city, new school, necessity for making new friends – but unless he shows us some foreign streets, strange faces, and unusual customs to support these reasons, he will do little to convince us. Perhaps if he could contrast “playing pool with the gang at Old Mike’s Pizza Parlor” to the “eyes avoiding his unfamiliar face in study hall,” the reader might appreciate the realities of “new city, new school, new friends.”

Telling Sentence: The crossword puzzle was difficult to solve. The sixth row down got be stuck. It was plain to tell that this crossword puzzle was rough. The puzzle as it as, was made for a 12th grade level, and it made me feel as if I was in the 6th grade. Intellectual words such as “the square root” of 1,091,056 in four digits and others made my head swim. The next one was a five-letter word for philodendron, which to my surprise, was “plant.” I, as a normal person, had a very hard time trying to figure out what an Australian green citrus fruit was with four spaces. Instinctively I gave up the whole puzzle, as it was too frustrating to cope with.

Critique of : The crossword puzzle was to difficult to solve. This selection illustrates an improvement in generating examples. The writer introduces his subject by telling that the puzzle was tough, but immediately proves his claim with a series of illustrations – twelfth grade vs. sixth grade ability, intellectual words like “square root,” exotic plants and fruits that call for specialized knowledge. This writing is more enjoyable to read because of the examples he added. This example is longer than the first, but he never rambles or leaves the point.

Telling sentence: The girl was mad. Let’s try this one together.

Telling sentence: The jock thought he was all that. Your turn to try this on your own.