Safe Environment Training 10th Grade Diocese of San Diego Safe Environment Training 10th Grade

Love State: Love is the greatest gift you will ever experience in this life. This lesson invites you to examine the meaning of Christian love in your lives so that you may recognize and develop it in your relationships. You will also develop some tools to help you stay safe from sexual abuse.

Loving vs. Non-loving Relationships Good relationships: Are life Giving Offer Mutual Encouragement Allow room for individual and relational needs Provide safety and security Maintain mutual respect through communication and conflict State: Human relationships are very important to each and every one of you. A good relationship: Is Life Giving: this means that the dignity and worth of each person in honored and respected. St. Paul mentions in Scripture, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?” Offers mutual encouragement to grow emotionally, intellectually and spiritually Encourages discussion of personal time and space to allow room for individual and relational needs Provides a personal and interpersonal level of safety and security Maintains mutual respect through communication and conflict

Loving vs. Non-loving Relationships Bad, unloving, unhealthy relationships: Are dependent on external attributes (physical attraction, money, popularity, etc.). Do not respect personal time and space. Isolate one from friends and family. Create a sense of insecurity, instability, anxiety, or fear. Are marked by one-sided decision-making. Include threats or violence. State: A bad, unhealthy, or unloving relationship is: 1. Dependent on external attributes like physical attraction, money, popularity, etc. 2. Not respectful of personal time and space 3. Characterized by a sense of isolation from one’s friends and family 4. Characterized by a sense of insecurity, instability, anxiety, or fear 5. Marked by control, one-sided decision making (passive or active), ongoing arguments, threats or violence. These are serious indicators or road maps to help distinguish the true nature of relationships. It is important to recognize these signs before relationships develop into deeper levels of emotional and physical closeness. In any situation it affords a person greater freedom to decide what to do and how to act.

Boundaries in Everyday Life Boundaries define appropriate behavior. They provide acceptable limits to express: Thoughts Feelings Contact They keep people feeling safe and secure. They ensure mutual trust can occur for healthy relationship to develop. State: Boundaries are the written and unwritten rules that govern relationships. They define the appropriate behavior for various types of relationships by providing the acceptable limits to express thoughts, feelings, or contact. They keep people feeling safe and secure ensuring that mutual trust can occur for healthy relationships to develop. Almost every aspect of life has some kind of boundaries.

Your Boundary Circle YOU State: It is important for people to know what you stand for. It is equally important that they know what you won’t stand for. Everyone you encounter fits somewhere in your boundary circle. Strangers are the farthest outside, with casual acquaintances next, friends next, good friends and then family closest to you.

Boundaries As we discuss the boundaries or rules that guide and protect the formation of healthy relationships, remember that it is love that fuels your wanting to make these rules work or not. State: As we discuss the boundaries or rules that guide and protect the formation of healthy relationships, remember that it is love that fuels your wanting to make these rules work or not. There are two types of primary boundaries: Personal Boundaries and External Boundaries

Personal Boundaries Personal boundaries are like the type of protection a car requires from getting nicked or the maintenance that the engine needs to keep the car running smoothly. State: Personal boundaries are like the type of protection a car requires from getting nicked or the maintenance that the engine needs to keep the car running smoothly.

Personal Boundaries Personal boundaries help protect and sustain the deepest part of who you are as a person they include: The space that defines feeling physically safe or secure Personal health care: a set of maintenance rules (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual): diet, exercise/recreation, rest, academic study, prayer, socializing. State: Personal boundaries help protect and sustain the deepest part of who you are as a person, they include: The space that defines feeling physically safe or secure Personal health care: a set of maintenance rules (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual): diet, exercise/recreation, rest, academic study, prayer, socializing.

Basic Boundary Rules - Personal Too Open Too Closed Have difficulty setting limits. Share too much personal information especially with new acquaintances. Believe you deserve bad treatment. Wear revealing clothing. Make sexual comments or jokes in public. Refuses to do anything outside of one’s family time or space. Refuses to share thoughts with family or others. Maintains isolation. Spends time primarily in fantasy: reading, video games, movies, TV. State: Although each of you will have some variations that you can reflect on at home, there are some generally accepted or basic rules for all people. Personal boundaries are all the activities that keep you healthy in a balanced fashion (this is called the virtue of temperance). People may have too open or too closed boundaries. Remember that no one likes to get hurt. Some people may be more reserved or cautious in engaging others based on personality, family, culture, or religious beliefs. These should always be respected. Here are some examples of too closed or too open boundaries: Too Open: 1. Have difficulty setting limits on your time or sharing physical or emotional space 2. Share too much personal information especially with new acquaintances 3. Allow attempts of physical, verbal, or sexual abuse without reporting it or getting help 4. Believe you deserve bad treatment 5. Wear revealing clothing 6. make sexual comments or jokes in public 7. respond to strangers’ request for assistance without checking with parents Too Closed: 1. Refuses to do anything outside of one’s family time or space 2. Refuses to share thoughts or feelings with family or others 3. maintains isolated from the outside world 4. Spends time primarily in fantasy: reading, video games, movies, TV 5. engages in extensive periods of daydreaming

External Boundaries External Boundaries are the rules of the road that make travel safe. State: External Boundaries are the rules of the road that make travel safe.

External Boundaries External boundaries protect and strengthen your person through relationships. External boundaries make you feel better about yourself and bring you closer to others through trust, friendship, mutual respect, etc. They include: Emotional boundaries (those you choose to share your thoughts, feelings, personal information with) The appropriate physical expressions, verbal and non-verbal that bring people together or keep them apart. State: External boundaries protect and strengthen your person through relationships. External boundaries make you feel better about yourself and bring you closer to others through trust, friendship, mutual respect, etc. They include: Emotional boundaries (those you choose to share your thoughts, feelings, personal information with) The appropriate physical expressions, verbal and non-verbal that bring people together or keep them apart.

Basic Boundary Rules - External Develop relationships slowly. Build trust and mutual respect. Develop rules that protect love or friendship. Establish chaste expressions of touch and communication that are appropriate to the type of relationship. State: External boundaries aid you in developing relationships. A good rule is to begin a relationship by establishing trust and mutual respect. Develop rules that protect love and friendship by establishing chaste expressions of contact and communication that are appropriate to the type of relationship. For Example: 1. Casual friends shake hands, close friends or family members may hug.

Warning Signs Your boundaries are in danger when another person: Encourages you to use drugs, and or alcohol. Offers pornographic material. Wants you to keep secrets. Offers special gifts. Uses flattery that seems disconnected with any real sense of accomplishment. State: We have talked about healthy and unhealthy characteristics of relationships. Lets now spell out boundaries violations. If you are aware of these violations or warning signs remember that your boundaries are in danger of being crossed. 1. When a person encourages your use of drugs and or alcohol 2. When a person offers viewing of pornographic material 4. When a person wants you to keep secrets 5. When a person offers special gifts 6. When a person uses compliments or flattery that seems disconnected with any real sense of accomplishment

Warning Signs, cont. Places conditions to get you to do something you don’t want to. Tries to isolate you from family and friends. Threatens you. Uses explicit sexual language in your presence. Lets you do things your parents would not approve of. Likes to have inappropriate physical contact with you. Continue: 1. When a person places conditions to get you to do something you don’t want to do 2. When a person tries to isolate you from your family and friends 3. When a person is persistent in trying to talk to you into what he/she wants to do, despite your protests 4. When a person threatens you with bodily harm or some other type of threat 5. When a person uses offensive or sexually explicit language in your presence 6. When a person lets you do things that your parents would not approve of 7. When a person likes to have inappropriate physical contact with you You have the right to have your boundaries respected and protected. Recognize that when a person is trying to cross your boundaries, it is critical to stop the person immediately, even if the other person is someone you know, respect, and or like. It may feel like a shock or surprise.

Reporting DO Don't Tell the adult in charge, the program director, or another supervisor. Talk to your parents about what you observed. Keep telling an adult until you get an appropriate response or action. Ignore your intuition/suspicions. Gossip with your friends about what you observe. Give up if an adult does not immediately address or correct the boundary concern or violation. State: When you experience these warning signs, it is important that you listen and respond appropriately. If you observe or experience a boundary violation or suspect a boundary is not being respected: 1. Do tell the adult in charge, the program director, or another supervisor 2. Do talk to you parents about what you observed 3. Do keep telling an adult until you get an appropriate response and/or action 1. Don’t ignore your intuitions/ suspicions 2. Don’t gossip with your friends about what you observe 3. Don’t give up if an adult does not immediately address or correct the boundary concern or violation

Safeguarding Boundaries Be assertive/not timid. Use “I feel”/ “I don’t like”/ STOP, I don’t want to”/”No means No” statements. Accept no responsibility for the other person’s behavior. It is never your fault. Get away from the person. Tell a trusted adult. Understand that teens can be abused by men or women; peers or adults; someone you know well or someone you don’t know. State: The following are skills that can help you address boundary violations. 1. Be assertive/not timid 2. Use “I feel”/ “I don’t like”/ STOP, I don’t want to”/”No means No” statements 3. Accept no responsibility for the other person’s behavior. If the person says something like: “It’s your fault because you really wanted me to…” do not accept this. It is never your fault. This is manipulation. 4. Get away immediately from the person violating your boundaries 5. Tell a trusted adult; someone who can help determine if this is sexual harassment and/or abuse 6. Understand that teens can be abused by men or women; peers or adults; someone you know well or someone you don’t know 7. Recognize vulnerability to “sexual abuse lures” a. Drugs/alcohol b. pornography c. special attention/ gifts 8. Be clear what your own boundaries are

This presentation was created with permission by using the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston’s Sacred and Safe Lesson Plans.