Puberty, PEERS, & Pressure 9-15 years

Around the time of puberty many young people feel very strongly that they want to be like all their friends. Peer group pressure can be a supportive and positive, or a negative influence on the behavior of the people in the group.

Why pre-teen & teenage friendships are important Good friends can be like a personal support group. Friends and friendships give pre-teen & teenagers: a sense of belonging, a feeling of being valued and help with developing confidence the sense of security and comfort that comes from being with others going through similar experiences information about the changes that puberty brings, and what’s going on physically and emotionally a way to experiment with different values, roles, identities and ideas experience in getting along with people of the opposite sex a chance to experience early romantic and sexual relationships a social group to do new things with, especially things that are different from what families do.

What pre-teen & teenage friendships look like Friendships become more intense, close and supportive. The amount of communication with their friends increases. Friendships tend to be based on personal similarity, acceptance and sharing. Same-sex friendships are the norm during the early years. As they get older, though, many teenagers also make friends with the opposite sex. Girls tend to build closeness through conversation, and boys often prefer to share activities. But many boys enjoy in-depth conversation, and many girls enjoy just hanging out and doing stuff together. The internet lets pre-teen & teenagers make and maintain friendships through social media. It’s a natural extension of their offline and face-to-face interactions.

Peer influence and peer pressure Peer influence is when you choose to do something you wouldn’t otherwise do, because you want to feel accepted and valued by your friends. It isn’t just or always about doing something against your will. You might hear the term ‘peer pressure’ used a lot. But peer influence is a better way to describe how teenagers’ behavior is shaped by wanting to feel they belong to a group of friends or peers. Peer pressure or influence can be positive. For example, your child might be influenced to become more assertive, try new activities, or to get more involved with school. But it can be negative too. Some teenagers might choose to try things they normally wouldn’t be interested in, such as smoking or taking part in antisocial behavior.

What scientific tells us about peer influence "There are two main features that seem to distinguish teenagers from adults in their decision making," says Laurence Steinberg, a researcher at Temple University in Philadelphia. "During early adolescence in particular, teenagers are drawn to the immediate rewards of a potential choice and are less attentive to the possible risks. Second, teenagers in general are still learning to control their impulses, to think ahead, and to resist pressure from others." These skills develop gradually, as a teen's ability to control his or her behavior gets better throughout adolescence.

Peer influence might result in children: choosing the same clothes, hairstyle or jewelry as their friends listening to the same music or watching the same TV shows as their friends changing the way they talk, or the words they use doing risky things or breaking rules working harder at school, or not working as hard dating or taking part in sexual activities smoking or using alcohol or other drugs. *Coping well with peer influence is about getting the balance right between being yourself and fitting in with your group

Self-Esteem & Peer Influence Some children are more likely to be negatively influenced by peers – for example, children who have poor self-esteem, who feel they have few friends, and who have special needs. These children might feel that the only way they’ll be included and accepted in social groups is by taking on the behavior, attitudes and look of a group. Children who have strong self-esteem are better at resisting negative peer influence. If your child is happy with who he/she is and the choices they make, they are less likely to be influenced by other people. Self-esteem helps in establishing good relationships, and positive friendships also help self-esteem.

You might be worried that your child is being influenced too much by their peers, or that they’re selling out on their values (or yours) to fit in with friends. You might also be concerned that your child won’t be able to say no if they get pressure to try risky things, such as smoking. But listening to the same music and dressing in the same way as friends doesn’t necessary add up to doing the same antisocial or risky things. Your child might do some things that their friends do, but not other things. You have an influence over your child too, especially over the longer term. If your child has a strong sense of self and their values, it’s more likely they will know where to draw the line when it comes to assessing risks.

Helping your child manage peer influence Keep the lines of communication open. You can do this by staying connected to your child. This can help make them feel more comfortable talking to you if they’re feeling swayed to do something they’re uncomfortable with. Suggest ways to say no. Your child might need to have some face-saving ways to say no if they’re feeling influenced to do something they do not want to do. For example, friends might be encouraging them to try smoking. Rather than simply saying ‘No, thanks’, they could say something like, ‘No, it makes my asthma worse’, or ‘No, I don’t like the way it makes me smell’. Give teenagers a way out. If your child feels thy are in a risky or tricky situation, it might help if they can text or phone you for back-up without worrying you’ll be cranky. If your child is embarrassed about having to call you, you could agree on a coded message. For example, they could say that they’re checking on a sick grandparent, but you’ll know that it really means they need a hand.

Helping your child manage peer influence Encourage a wide social network. If your child has the chance to develop friendships from many sources, including sport, family activities or clubs, it will mean they will get lots of other options and sources of support if a friendship goes wrong. Build up your child’s sense of self-esteem. This can help them feel more confident to make their own decisions and push back on peer influence.

When you’re worried about peer influence Encouraging your child to have friends over and giving them space in your home can help you get to know your child’s friends. This also gives you the chance to check on whether negative peer influence is an issue for your child. Good communication and a positive relationship with your child might also encourage your child to talk to you if he’s feeling negative influence from peers. If you’re worried your child’s friends are a negative influence, being critical of them might push your child into seeing them behind your back. If your child thinks you don’t approve of their friends, they might even want to see more of them. So instead of focusing on any people you don’t like, you can try talking to your child about the behavior you don’t like. Discuss the possible consequences of the behavior, rather than making judgments about your child’s friends.

When you’re worried about peer influence It can be helpful to compromise with your child. For example, letting them wear certain clothes or have their hair cut in a particular way can help them feel connected to their peers, even if you’re not keen on blue hair or ripped jeans. Having friends and feeling connected to a group gives teenagers a sense of belonging and being valued, which helps develop confidence. Friendships also help teenagers learn important social and emotional skills, such as being sensitive to other people’s thoughts, feelings and wellbeing.

When to be concerned about peer influence Some mood and behavior changes are normal in teenagers. But if your child seems to be in a low mood for more than two weeks, or it gets in the way of things they normally enjoys, you might start to worry about your child’s mental health. Warning signs include: low moods, tearfulness or feelings of hopelessness aggression or antisocial behavior that’s not usual for your child sudden changes in behavior, often for no obvious reason trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking early loss of appetite or over-eating reluctance to go to school withdrawal from activities your child used to like statements about wanting to give up, or life not being worth living.