Keeping Calm: Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors Betsy Cocos, MSW, LMFT, LCSW

What We Will Cover: What is Normal? What is Normal for Your Child and Why? How to Help

Icebreaker Jot down one or two words that describe how you feel about this topic Feel free to share if you wish Feel free to not share At the end we will repeat this and compare

What is Normal Sexual Behavior? What do you think is normal sexual behavior for these age groups? Preschool and Kindergarten 1st and 2nd Grade 3rd through 5th Grade 6th and 7th Grade BETSY: Ask audience to break up into groups of four of five. Each group take about up to ten minutes to discuss and answer the question for your assigned age group. Then, report out to the large group your answers. Ask the group for feedback and provide some feedback.

What is “Normal”? Usual, human sexual development A child’s sexual behaviors can be a normal reaction to an abnormal situation What is an abnormal situation? I am adding that sometimes children have sexualized behaviors that are normal reactions for them given the abnormal situation which they have been exposed to. HOLD UP BOOKLET AND SHOW PAGES PRESCHOOL TO PRETEEN. ****Tell them that they will receive a booklet with normal sexual behaviors outlined, and “of concern behaviors” and “seek professional help” outlined.

Abnormal Situations Sexual Abuse Exposure to sexually explicit environment Learned Behavior Poor Boundaries These are some reasons why children may engage in sexualized behaviors. NOT an exhaustive list.

Reasons why Children may engage in Sexualized Behaviors Confusion Overstimulated Compulsive or Compulsion to touch Reduction of anxiety Way to connect to others Repeatedly touching of self or others sexually Reenactment: doing what was done to them to understand and/or have a different outcome Touching of sexual parts or touching things in a sexual way. Often this happens by repeatedly touching of self or others sexually or is a reenactment of doing what was done to them.

Sexual Safety Kit 1. Be calm – If you can’t be calm, find someone who can 2. Children’s sexualized behaviors are not equal to adult’s sexualized behaviors 3. Whole Child: strengths of the child; what is endearing about the child; what it special about this child They are not equal in their emotions, desires, practices or beliefs. Children do these for different reasons (confusion, etc…) *** Car and 5 year old with keys to the car story****

Sexual Safety Kit 4. House Rules / Clear Boundaries Activity: Come up with two House Rules to keep your family sexually safe

An example of House Rules / Clear Boundaries Sexual Safety Kit An example of House Rules / Clear Boundaries You need a person’s permission to enter their bedroom. Permission is needed from an adult or caretaker if the bedroom belongs to a young child. Bedroom doors are open except when changing clothes. Undressing / changing clothes is done in a bathroom or bedroom. Only one person at a time. One person at a time in the bathroom. Adult or caretaker can help a younger child. No one touches another person’s private areas. Adjust the rules accordingly so that everyone is safe.

Sexual Safety Kit 5. Taking care of yourself Be kind and gentle to yourself Be aware of your own triggers Get the support and help that you deserve Specifically, if this triggers anyone’s own personal history of sexual abuse.

Closing Activity Jot down one or two words that describes how you feel about this topic Feel free to share if you wish Feel free to not share

Resources Other materials by Toni Cavanagh Johnson, Ph.D. can be ordered at: www.tcavjohn.com NCTSN: The National Child Traumatic Stress Network. www.NCTSN.org Sexual Development and Behavior in Children Understanding and Coping with Sexual Behavior Problems in Children

Resources www.Coalitionforcyf.org Child Welfare Information Gateway www.childwelfare.gov www.Coalitionforcyf.org

Questions?