PARTNERING WITH PARENTS Sharing expertise and goals to create a strong, child-centered team Deborah Gilboa, MD

Chores are the canary in the coal mine of kids’ character…

Valuing achievement ahead of character increases risk.

Kids are capable of far more than the stereotypes we perpetuate

5 obstacles to Raising kids of great character Happiness now Comfortable is necessary for safe Tracking kids Focus on achievement Solving problems for our children they can learn to solve for themselves.

“Happiness Now” Trap Unattainable Conflicts with resilience Removes opportunity for resilience “practice” Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok Limits the resources we offer We’re terrible at predicting it for others

Comfort is not necessary for safety Security Healing Identity Discomfort Learning Change GROWTH Comfort is not necessary for safety

Tracking Kids This doesn’t make them safer It does make kids (and adults) more anxious It blocks their chance to build autonomy slowly

Achievement Trap When achievement is the top priority, character easily suffers Justifies cheating, lying, substance use Judged externally – others say when you’ve succeeded No matter how great, can’t control if someone else is better Pressure is tremendous

Problem Solving Trap We are expert problem solvers Our kids rely on us for that THEY need the chance to become good problem solvers Problem solving doesn’t look like problem solving the first dozen (+) times you do it!

Resilience Opportunities Problems Bad News/Change New Privileges Resilience Opportunities

5 protective factors of resilience use of storytelling problem-solving skills Seeking support autonomy sense of purpose 5 protective factors of resilience

Change helps! Empathy for the stress Look for purpose Add agency to the purpose Ask good questions Problem solve towards the goal Change helps!

When-not-if Language Set Remove Model Set expectations Model the cycle Remove Remove the premise of failure Set Set expectations When-not-if Language

WHAT’S THE SOLUTION? Trust Goal-sharing Expectation shaping

Through investigation Through microactions Ask for small buy-ins before big ones Remember gratitude Through investigation Who are you What have you been taught What concerns you With everyone Parents Students Staff Trust

The solution: Goal sharing! Get to know your families beforehand as much as possible 1 Understand what they want 2 Find goals you share – the more proximal the better 3 Be able to explain how your path gets them to that goal 4

Warn them! Let them know that you expect parent and kid struggles This way they won’t feel like they made the wrong decision Put a plan in place before it happens Warn them!

Expectation shaping “When not if” language Gratitude for sharing the concern (model this!) Empathy for the struggle Connect to resources Offer solutions

Words to use Thanks for letting me know Grateful you’re comfortable discussing this Glad you and your child have this relationship Glad we have developed our relationship Gratitude I hear that you’re feeling… I understand feeling…. I’ve felt… It’s hard to feel… Empathy Words to use

Strategies to suggest Have a list before this happens When you have this ready to send, parents believe that you expected this, you’ve seen it before, they’re not alone Testimonials Other experts Tools they can use when it flares up

Dr. G has digital resources YOU need for your families! Pick a time to talk to her about it! (click this!)