How to Have A Healthy Relationship with your Teen Presented by Children’s Bureau of Santa Clarita/ Akila Baskin, AMFT

The challenges of Raising Teens Today Social Media/Technology Kids don’t learn how to communicate. Risk of cyber-bullying Isolate from family members. Screen time dominates their free time. Peer Influences Positive and negative – parent involvement has a great impact. Alcohol and Drug Abuse Readily available Socially accepted by their peer group

Understanding Teen Development Working with not against adolescents unique sleep rhythms. During puberty, the body secretes the hormone melatonin which alters the circadian rhythms that guide a teen’s sleep-wake cycle. Adolescents need a minimum of 9 hours sleep a night. Sleep deprivation can impair memory and inhibit creativity. It also impacts increased stress, irritability, and impulse control. Brain Development The teen’s brain is not fully developed until their early 20’s. The prefrontal cortex which is responsible for thinking ahead and sizing up risks and rewards develops later on while the limbic system which is responsible for emotional responses develops earlier. When teens make decisions in emotionally charged situations, it explains why teens are more likely to make bad decisions regarding substance use and peer influences, Puberty and growth. Body changes and impact on self esteem Mood Swings Asserting Independence Sexual Awakening

Communication How to Listen to your Teen Empathy – Video How do we get our teens to listen Ask versus tell. Do we listen to them? How do we avoid yelling? Give teens two choices Pick your battles. Moving from a “managing” to a “consulting” role in teens life. What does it mean to be your child’s consultant? Listen and ask questions. Using time in the car to invite real conversations Teens feel less pressure due to the casual environment of the car and it feels less pressured. This allows teens to open up and share their concerns. Use time in the car to “ask about their day”, “listen without offering advice”, and share about your day. videohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&index=1&list=PLkfraFd1tAezvIAC9Sc59cILRPdEucqvW

Communication, continued Family Time at the Dinner Table No cell phones at the dinner table (this includes parents) Use this time to ask about their day and share about yours. Don’t let competing demands such as sports, work and activities take away from family dinner time. If need be, schedule it. This needs to be a priority Don’t allow teens to eat in their bedroom. Maintaining a Relationship with your teen. Be a loving parent. Have fun – spend time with your teen. Keep up with their interests. Respect their privacy. Negative Communication and Family Conflict Recognizing when discussions turn into nagging, yelling, fighting. This can create conflict and puts a stop to open communication. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_HfbiM5jjE

When discipline is needed. Rules and Boundaries How to set rules and establish clear boundaries for your teen What to do when your teen doesn’t follow the rules or gets in trouble. Consequences for problematic behavior. Using a behavior contract to manage problem behavior. Reward appropriate behavior. Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_HfbiM5jjE

When to seek outside help. Mental Health Counseling can be beneficial in assisting families repair their communication styles and get teens and parents back on track. Mental health counseling does not mean you are ill but rather you would benefit from additional support. Seek out help especially if you note the following behaviors: Teen isolates or seems withdrawn Avoids family activities Is violating curfew Different group or change in friends. Signs of drug and or alcohol use. Depressed or sad mood. Loss of appetite or change in sleep patterns. Excessive worrying about issues that impact daily functioning. Any other concerns or changes in teen’s behaviors.

Taking Care of Yourself Stress impacts how we respond to our teens. Self – care strategies Taking a time out Finding free time for yourself. Exercise or take a relaxing walk. Journal Turn on uplifting music. Coloring Make yourself a nice cup of coffee, tea, and sip it slowly. Schedule some time with a close friend weekly. Meditate Tackle a single small household chore, praise yourself. Write down one goal or intention for the week. Lesson chores or activities that you can do without. Practicing what we tell/show our teens. Monitor your own cell phone and social media use. Communicate effectively with other adults. Monitor safe driving skills when your teen is in the car. Role modeling self care. Managing daily responsibilities effectively.

Teens - what to communicate with your parents. Items you need to share with your parents. There is someone or something making you feel unsafe at school. Your feeling really down most days and having thoughts about hurting yourself. Where you are going to be. If you are concerned about your friend or something that is/might be happening to them and you want to help. You are really struggling in school and need help. If you don’t really enjoy an activity you are doing (sport, dance, singing class, etc.) Items you can share with your parents. There is someone you don’t get along with at school. You had a fight with your friend. Who you like or have a crush on. Other kinds of secrets your friends told you. You mess up on a quiz and talk to the teacher and they are letting you retake it. You had a bad practice.