Personality and Personal History CHAPTER 6 Personality and Personal History Intimate Relationships, 3rd edition © 2019 by W. W. Norton & Company

Clive Wearing’s Moments of Truth FIGURE 6.1 Lost and found. Amnesia has left Clive Wearing unable to retrieve existing memories and unable to create new ones. (a) In his diary he records the moments when he believes he has awoken for the very first time, only to cross out each entry when he again perceives himself awakening just a few moments later. (b) Wearing does remember his wife, Deborah, who faced difficult questions about who Clive would become and how their relationship could move forward. left: Jiri Rezac/Polaris/Newscom; right: Ros Drinkwater/Alamy Stock Photo

Personality Traits and Emotional Tendencies Traits that are stable over time Traits that go together to form a coherent picture of someone Trait approach: How relationship scientists study personality To get people thinking about individual differences, I have students think about two people they know whom they would describe as having opposite personalities. I have them spend a few minutes describing each person, focusing on which characteristics differ in the two people. This helps get them to think about how personality might be operationalized.

How Do Individual Differences Matter in Relationships? In general, they make a difference in people’s Relationship expectations Perceptions of their partner Relationship behaviors After students have described people with opposite personalities, I have them think about the relationships of the people they have described and how those relationships might be similar or different. FIGURE 6.2 Lewis Terman (1877–1956). Terman was a pioneer in studying the role of personality in marriage. Music Division/NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY/Science Source

How Personality Traits Affect Our Intimate Relationships In order to study personality, it needs to be operationalized. Big Five: TABLE 6.1 Personality Traits in the Big Five Model of Personality

Negative Affectivity Aspects of negative affectivity include Low self-esteem Anxiety Hostility Self-consciousness Pessimism

Effects of Negative Affectivity on Intimate Relationships Related to relationship dissatisfaction If person is also impulsive, also related to divorce Related to jealousy and dependency I have students think about one of the people they described who might be high in neuroticism and one who might be low in this trait. We talk about those people and what they might want in a relationship. I then talk about different scenarios that might happen in a relationship (e.g., the partner is late to dinner) and how the people who are high and low in neuroticism might respond. FIGURE 6.3 Personality traits and relationships. “I am very confident in how I project my personality. But in terms of how I look, I am completely, hysterically insecure. I am self-loathing, introverted, and neurotic.” Actress Megan Fox identifies here with the personality trait of negative affectivity. People who have this trait tend to be less satisfied in their relationships and more likely to divorce, and they appear to be more difficult as relationship partners. MJ Kim/Getty Images for Samsung

Effects of Agreeableness on Intimate Relationships Related to relationship satisfaction Partners of people low in agreeableness feel the partner disparages them. Here, too, I try to bring the discussion back to the people described by students. We pick a description of one person who is high in agreeableness and one person who is low. We then talk about how each of these people might behave in a relationship. For instance, we talk about what each person might do when it is his or her partner’s birthday. This usually gives students a concrete example of how agreeableness might be related to relationship behaviors.

Effects of Personality Traits on Intimate Relationships Figure 6.4 An imperfect match. People who are less agreeable and more negative treat their partners less favorably than people with agreeable, cheerful personalities. By complaining about his date’s personality, Dilbert may be saying at least as much about his own personality as he does about hers. DILBERT: © Scott Adams/Dist. by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

Consequences of Negative Affectivity and Low Self-Esteem Like other aspects of personality, low self-esteem tends to be relatively stable over time. Self-esteem contributes to relationship functioning, both through behavior and through perceptions of the partner’s behavior. Underestimating the partner’s regard for self Perceiving the partner in an unfavorable light Perceiving the relationship in an unfavorable light Before moving to this topic, I like to get students talking about what exactly self-esteem is. Many times—as with “personality”—they have a general idea of what it is, but I like to make sure everyone is on the right page before we talk about self-esteem in the context of relationships.

The Dependence Regulation Model FIGURE 6.5 The dependence regulation model. An enduring personality trait, low self-esteem, can affect how partners perceive and communicate with each other. In talking about this model, it is helpful to have a specific example in mind. I have students picture someone with low self-esteem, who isn’t quite sure that he or she is a person of value and secretly wonders what his or her partner sees in him or her. Then, I have them imagine that the partner starts spending more time at work. Using this example, we work through the different steps of the circle, with how each partner may act and interpret the other’s actions.

Measures of Personality in Childhood Personality traits exhibited in childhood can predict relationship satisfaction later in life. Aggression in children under 10 is linked to higher rates of divorce. Anxious children tend to have lower relationship satisfaction. Children with poor impulse control have higher rates of conflict.

Measures of Personality in Adulthood Personality traits in adults are linked to relationship outcomes. Those with high levels of negative affectivity have poor relationship outcomes in general. Personality traits can predict which couples will divorce and which will not. Agreeableness and conscientiousness are linked to positive relationship outcomes.

Childhood Experiences in Families (1) Early experience in our family of origin makes a difference in our relationship expectations and experiences. Some aspects of this early experience are Parents’ relationship with each other Our relationship with our parents Depending on the composition of the class, students sometimes get a bit worried or skeptical when we talk about this topic—if many of them have parents who are divorced. I make sure to mention that results are not straightforward and that the effect sizes are small.

Childhood Experiences in Families (2) Intergenerational transmission effects: The relationships of people’s parents are related to their own relationships. Parental conflict is related to children’s subsequent divorce likelihood. Parental marital satisfaction is related to children’s subsequent marital satisfaction. Parents’ relationship behavior is related to children’s subsequent relationship behavior.

Family Transitions and the Well-Being of Children Despite such intergenerational transmission effects, parental divorce is not always negative. If the parental relationship was filled with conflict, divorce is related to better outcomes for children. Returning to the idea that students sometimes feel defensive or uncomfortable with this topic, I find that bringing in the concept that parental relationship satisfaction matters, along with parental divorce, frequently makes them feel better. Many of them end up giving examples or stories of how their parents’ marriage was not that happy and they were somewhat relieved when their parents divorced.

Divorce and the Psychological Well-Being of Children FIGURE 6.6 Divorce and the psychological well-being of children. The association between marital discord and the psychological health of adult children varies depending on whether the parents eventually divorce. In this study, children had lower levels of well-being when marital discord was very low and the parents divorced, and when marital discord was very high and the parents did not divorce. (Source: Adapted from Amato et al., 1995.) As we go through this graph, I like to have students speculate on why each of these associations may be there. We talk about how, if the parents’ marriage did not have apparent conflict, the children might feel surprised by the divorce and feel like it came out of nowhere.

How Childhood Experiences Influence Later Relationships Children with turbulent family backgrounds are more cautious toward relationships, and more accepting of divorce. Children from unstable families have less money and smaller social networks in adulthood. Children from unstable families experience more relationship distress.

The Social Learning Theory View The social learning theory view on intergenerational transmission of relationship behaviors Children learn emotional and behavioral models by observing and interacting with their families of origin. Nurturing relationships with parents lead people to feel more connected to a partner. Abuse and neglect predict less fulfilling adult intimate relationships. High-conflict families predict the use of less positive communications behaviors.

Parental Divorce and Relationship Communication Figure 6.7 Parental divorce and couple communication. Compared to engaged women and men with intact family backgrounds, women and men with divorced parents express more disagreement and invalidation toward their partner when discussing problems in the relationship. When their partner is speaking, women and men with divorced parents show more negative facial expressions and gestures as listeners. The percentages represent the speaking intervals in which the specified behavior occurred. (Source: Adapted from Sanders, Halford, & Behrens, 1999.) Adapted from Table 4 in Sanders, M. R., Halford, W. K., & Behrens, B. C. (1999). Parental divorce and premarital couple communication. Journal of Family Psychology, 13, 60–74. To get students to see what these different aspects of communication are, I have them think of an example in which a couple is talking about a relationship problem, like keeping the house clean. I tell them to imagine that one partner says to the other, “You always leave your wet towel on the floor.” We talk about how the partner may disagree about whether that happens, question how much that really matters in the overall cleanliness of the house, or shake his or her head as the person is talking.

Early Relationships with Caregivers The relationships that parents have with their children are also related to children’s relationship outcomes.

The Attachment Theory View Attachment style: stems from children’s relationship with their parents Based on people’s views of themselves and their views of others Involves two dimensions: Anxious Avoidance

Attachment Style and Relationships Attachment style colors how people Perceive their partner’s behavior Behave with their partner FIGURE 6.9 Insecure attachment and partner communication. This woman’s insecure attachment style causes her to use an ineffective strategy when seeking support from her partner. © The New Yorker Collection 1998. Bruce Eric Kaplan. www.cartoonbank.com. All Rights Reserved

Working Models of Attachment Theory Self-relevant aspect of anxiety: When caregivers are inconsistent and unavailable, we feel anxious, insecure, inadequate, and unworthy of care and attention. Other-relevant aspect of avoidance: When we conclude that others are unreliable and are best avoided. People who are low in anxiety and avoidance are considered to be securely attached People who perceive themselves to be low in self-worth and others to be unapproachable are considered to be insecurely attached.

Attachment Style and Seeking Comfort Behavioral differences in people with different attachment styles can be clearly seen when they are experiencing stress: People with secure attachment styles turn to their partner for comfort. People with avoidant attachment styles avoid their partner as they experience higher levels of stress. I like to highlight this idea. It helps students see how people’s behaviors and thoughts can’t be understood without taking into account both who they are as people and what situation or circumstance they’re in. Also, I like to highlight that attachment is involved not just in how people interpret their partner’s behaviors but also in how they look to their partner for comfort during stress. FIGURE 6.10 Secure and avoidant women under stress. To the extent that they become more anxious and fearful while anticipating a stressful situation, secure women seek more comfort and reassurance, whereas avoidant women seek less. (Source: Adapted from Simpson et al., 1992.)

Individual Differences in Relationships People begin relationships with different experiences and personalities. These experiences and personalities color—but do not dictate—how they perceive their partner and how they behave in the relationship.

Overcoming Insecurity Research demonstrates solutions to decrease insecurity in relationships: Deepening self-affirmation Adopting your partner’s perspective Elaborating on a compliment Increasing your psychological and physical closeness