CAN BE STRONG AND RESILIENT CHILDREN CAN BE STRONG AND RESILIENT What effective parents remember that frustrated parents often don’t Deborah Gilboa, MD www.AskDoctorG.com

Chores are the canary in the coal mine of kids’ character…

Valuing achievement ahead of character increases risk.

Kids are capable of far more than the stereotypes we perpetuate

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: Confidence Competence Relationships hap·pi· ness: noun

“Happiness Now” Pressure Unattainable Conflicts with resilience Removes opportunity for resilience “practice” Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok Limits the resources we offer We’re terrible at predicting it for others

3 R’s of PARENTING Respect Responsibility Resilience That’s my kid! Responsibility Build a great work ethic. Resilience Manage difficulty.

RESPECT WHAT IS IT? Recognizing worth or excellence Showing regard or consideration Impossible to give if you don’t have any Crucial for success.

RESPECT REQUIRES COMMUNICATION Tone of voice. Titles of respect. Eye contact Body Language Privacy Look up and around

RESPONSIBILITY Chores/roles Homework Practice Leadership Service One work ethic; 2 sentences

WHY DO ADULTS SAY NO? Love Fear Guilt Genuine enjoyment responsibility Future consequences Relationship rupture Guilt

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES Mistakes Accidents Pain Social consequences Judgment 11:00 News…

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES Myth: “Only I can fix this!” Truth: Failure must be experienced.

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

THE COST “Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

HOW DOES FAILURE HELP? independence → confidence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience. 16

WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? Doing = learning. Doing builds resilience! Life skills Relationship skills Problem-solving! Look for chances to take one step back.

RESILIENCE “I’ll be interested to see what you do!” Mistakes Praise Life lessons Choices Risk-taking Resources! “I’ll be interested to see what you do!”

“Happiness NOW” disrupts this cycle!

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult involvement harms Confidence Competence Relationships

“That’s a pretty fine fix you’ve gotten yourself into there, kiddo. I’ll be interested to see what you do to get yourself out.”

Empathy, most often without intervention.

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