Managing Conflict The Pipeline Sam Gilpin – June 2019

Objective: Helping us increase our ability to handle conflict effectively

Increase insight into how we manage conflict Develop tools and techniques for handling conflict Develop tools and techniques for handling conflict Identify ways we can make our organisations more inclusive Identify ways we can make our organisations more inclusive

agenda for today’s session Intros, ground rules, peer coaching My conflict signature Conscious conflict Power and prejudice

What is coaching? One definition: Using conversation – listening as well as speaking – to help other people achieve their goals by helping them change the way they think, feel and/or act

What is great coaching? Be present, connect and form a confidential relationship – enabling someone to open themselves up to change Be present, connect and form a confidential relationship – enabling someone to open themselves up to change Insight into what is really going on and willing to challenge in a sensitive way – enabling someone to see things in a different way Insight into what is really going on and willing to challenge in a sensitive way – enabling someone to see things in a different way Focused on action – enabling the change to happen Focused on action – enabling the change to happen

My Conflict Signature Please spend 5 minutes reflecting on a conflict situation where you did not get the outcome you wanted What was the context? What was your response (fight, flight, freeze)? How was the outcome different to what you wanted? How typical is this of your conflict signature (your default approach to a conflict situation)?

Conflict basics

What are the causes of conflict? CAUSE OF CONFLICT TOOLS TO EXPLORE / UNDERSTAND We are different (thinking styles, values etc) Personality psychometrics We want different things Negotiation tools We have different approaches to conflict Conflict tools (e.g. Thomas Killman Inventory) We are trying to solve a problem that cannot be solved Polarity management We are under pressure Understanding how we behave under pressure (e.g. SDI); managing stress (resilience)

Seven rules of good fights Be careful how you begin a conflict discussion – if you start gently and thoughtfully you are much more likely to get to a successful outcome Be careful how you begin a conflict discussion – if you start gently and thoughtfully you are much more likely to get to a successful outcome Use “we / us” language not “you / I” language Use “we / us” language not “you / I” language Address conflict early – do not let negative feelings or misunderstandings fester Address conflict early – do not let negative feelings or misunderstandings fester Some issues are intractable – in which case it’s not about a “solution”, it’s about maintaining the relationship Some issues are intractable – in which case it’s not about a “solution”, it’s about maintaining the relationship Listen actively – genuinely try to understand the other person’s position Listen actively – genuinely try to understand the other person’s position Maintain a healthy positive: negative comment ratio (3:1 in business; 5:1 in marriages; above 10:1 and you’ll avoid tough conversations) Maintain a healthy positive: negative comment ratio (3:1 in business; 5:1 in marriages; above 10:1 and you’ll avoid tough conversations) Try to say what you want people to do NOT what you want people not to do (“I like it when you…”) Try to say what you want people to do NOT what you want people not to do (“I like it when you…”)

Great relationships UNDERSTANDING & EMPATHY Deep appreciation of the other person and their reality Insight into make-up, motivations and goals Acceptance of the feelings and reactions of others ASSUMPTION: It is not easy to understand other people’s reality and I have to work hard to achieve that

Great relationships RESPECT Confidence and positive belief in the other party Create the conditions to allow you to ‘respect’ difference Respect yourself or you will always look for fault in others ASSUMPTION: Everyone, including me, has something of value to contribute

Great relationships POSITIVE INTENT Commitment to mutual advantage – aligned outlook and goals See the‘possibility’of the person Be there for the other person ASSUMPTION: There is abundance in the world

Great relationships TRUST & CANDOUR Open expression of views and emotions Differences faced directly Consistency between agreed and actual behaviours – Promises kept ASSUMPTION: I care so much I put everything on the table and do what I say

Conscious Conflict Please reflect on the following questions about the conflict situation you discussed earlier Which of the Conflict Tools did you apply in the conflict situation you reflected on earlier? Which Conflict tools could you draw on more?

Power and Prejudice Please reflect on the following questions: What are the exclusion dynamics around conflict that you have observed in your organisation? How can you change your organisation to make it safer for people with less power to assert themselves? In your pair please spend ten minutes sharing and coaching each other

Thank You