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Rude vs. Mean vs. Bullying Oh yes, we are in need of review because, Not everything is BULLYING!

Not everything is bullying We all have heard people claim that they see a lot of bullying happen. These statements come from people who do not like to see people being unkind to others. We agree, there are far too many instances of people being mean, even here at B-UMS. But we disagree that each incident is a case of bullying. It is time that each person take an active role in decreasing the unkind and mean behaviors that happen in our lives. We all have used unkind words, therefore, we all can be part of the positive change. Let’s learn the differences between, rude behavior, mean behavior and bullying. Let’s stop the incorrect use of the term bullying and accept unkindness for what it is.

Rude – think about what it means. Keywords are in purple! Accidentally saying or doing something that hurts feelings or embarrasses someone Also inconsiderate, thoughtless, unplanned behavior, bad manners, only thinking about yourself, not meant to actually hurt anyone Yes, you have definitely been rude at some point, you may even feel bad about it, or it is possible that you aren’t even aware that you were rude EXAMPLES: Not paying attention to what you are doing, burping, coughing, sneezing on others, bragging about the highest grade, cutting in line, horseplay, being disrespectful, getting in personal space (bumping into someone in the hall between classes)

Mean Saying or doing something on purpose to hurt someone maybe once or twice Sometimes words are said in anger to make someone else look bad, we often feel regret later EXAMPLES: criticizing or making fun someone’s clothes, looks, intelligence, skin, language, breaking or stealing others' belongings, telling someone we don’t like them/don’t want to be their friend anymore

Bullying Behavior that is on purpose, repeated over time and involves an imbalance of  power. 4 types of bullying: Physical: actions that hurt your body Verbal: words that hurt your feelings Friendship:  words/actions that hurt your friendships, using a friendship or threatening to take friendship away  Cyberbullying: intentional, repeated harmful behavior using technology

Sometimes it is hard to figure out if a problem is a bullying problem. It is hurtful any time a person is mean. We don’t like it and it can leave us feeling bad. But we need to understand the differences because most of the time, you can learn how to handle people being mean. It is helpful to remember the three key phrases of bullying: on purpose, repeated and the imbalance of power. What does each key phrase mean? We will help you with each.

3 key phrases of Bullying On purpose – something that is obviously deliberate. Not just that you are assuming that something was deliberate. Repeated – something happens at several instances over time. (can be over a few hours or even weeks) Imbalance of Power – Think of a playground see saw. When a bully sits on one end and leaves you hanging up in the air. The bully is in control and you are at their mercy to get down.  Mean behavior can be on purpose and repeated but does not involve an imbalance of power (this is how lots of meanness is confused for bullying).

What to do if someone is rude, mean, or being a bully: If someone is rude, sometimes it is best to ignore them. Showing a strong response usually makes the problem continue. The rude get more rude! For mean and bullying behavior: Ask the person to stop in a firm calm voice. Ask the person why they said/did what they did. Don’t listen to rumors and definitely don’t repeat them. Be kind to the person who is being inappropriate but let them know you disapprove of their behavior. If you can’t solve the problem peacefully on your own, report to an adult and ask for help when needed. If something continues after you tell an adult, TELL AGAIN!!!!! We won’t know that the problem is continuing if you don’t let us know. 

Key Phrases Review! Rude:  Inconsiderate, thoughtless, unplanned  behavior, bad manners, only thinking about yourself, not meant to actually hurt anyone Mean:  Saying or doing something on purpose to hurt someone, maybe once or twice, usually in anger Bullying: on purpose, repeated over time and involves an imbalance of  power

Now we are going to test your knowledge. We will show some scenarios. Please read them and decide whether the situation is an example of rude, mean or bullying behavior. Let’s start.

Scenario 1 Kayla tells Mackenzie that she can’t sit with her in the lunch room because she has saved a seat for a girl in social studies class. Kayla is being rude. There is no evidence of intentional meanness, repetitive behavior or a power imbalance.

Scenario 2 It’s Monday, and Talia makes plans to go to the school dance Thursday with her new friend, Gwen. Tuesday, Katie tells Talia that if she hangs out at the dance with Gwen that everyone will think she is a total weirdo and no one will like her anymore. At lunch Wednesday, Katie convinces everyone that it would be a really funny joke to all laugh out loud when Talia approached the lunch table.  Katie is acting like a bully. She has created an unfair balance of power by getting all of the kids at the lunch table to laugh at Talia. She is also using words like “everyone” and “no one” to threaten Talia about how she will be socially excluded if she does not do what Katie wants her to do. She has kept up the behavior for several days.

Scenario 3 Lucas tells Damien that he can’t play basketball because he is the worst shot in the whole eighth grade. Lucas is being mean. It appears that his words are intended to hurt Damien. There is no evidence of repetitive behavior or a power imbalance.

Scenario 4 Devin and Garrett are friends. In school, they had an argument. Devin called Garrett a name and Garrett shoved him out of his way.  Devin and Garrett are engaging in rude behavior. This is not bullying because the boys are usually friends, the power balance is relatively equal, and the boys are not intending to harm each other.

Scenario 5 Brady told Payton he would beat him up if he talked to his girlfriend, then shoved Payton out of his way. During math class, he threw a spitball at Payton and kicked his chair out from under him. He threatened to punch Payton if he told the teacher. Brady is acting like a bully. He is engaging in repetitive cruel behavior (even though it all happens on one day), designed to hurt Payton. He is using intimidation and threats to create a power imbalance.

Scenario 6 Maggie is making fun of the fact that Jennifer hangs out with the boys at recess and wears long basketball shorts to school every day.  In gym class, Maggie told her to go play on the boys’ team and the day before in Math, she wrote the words “You’re so gay” on Jennifer’s desk. Maggie is acting like a bully. She is making fun of Jennifer repeatedly, with intention to cause harm. Describe how there can be an imbalance of power here.

Scenario 7 Emma and Brittney play on the same soccer team and are normally best friends but have been in an argument for three days. Emma called Brittney a mean name after practice and Brittney sent Emma a mean text. Emma and Brittney are being mean to each other. They are intending to hurt each other with their words and texts. The girls are normally friends, though, and at this point, this appears to be a mutual argument rather than a repetitive pattern of one- sided cruelty.

Scenario 8 Jason tells a counselor that multiple kids are picking on him by saying he is stupid. They tell him to shut up and roll their eyes at him when he tries to be funny. Jason believes he is being bullied and goes to the counselor. The counselor talks to some of Jason’s classmates and they describe how Jason frequently butts into their conversations, says inappropriate things and makes jokes that aren’t funny. The classmates admit they get frustrated at Jason and wind up telling him to shut up.  Jason is not being bullied. This situation is actually a conflict; Jason is not a bully because he is unintentionally upsetting his classmates. His behavior is rude. The classmates are not bullies because there is an equal balance of power: Jason continues to instigate the problem and the classmates continue to respond in a mean manner. This is an example of one of the most frequently reported types of mistaken bullying..

The more we know about different types of problems, the more we can learn about solutions. If any of these situations are similar to your life, please rethink your role in the problem. What can you do to change your reaction?

Resources Whitson, Signe, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/bullying_b_2188819.html http://signewhitson.com