Affair Recovery: It Doesn’t Have to be the End Matt Sessoms, MA, LPC, LMFT, CST

Estimates for Affairs extend from high percentages to low percentages Some say as high as 80% of all couples will experience an affair within their relationship Other estimates say as low as 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women will have an affair during the life of their relationship with a spouse Accuracy depends on definition of “affair” Prevalence

Not an easy task… who gets to define that an affair has actually occurred? Social considerations? Spiritual issues? Relational Expectations? It is not uncommon to run into: “He or she had an affair!” to which the accused partner states “It wasn’t an affair!” Dictionary.com – Adulterate: Render something poorer in quality by adding another substance, typically an inferior one Physical, emotional, Fantasy/Electronic, Sexual, or Financial? How deep is the subjective distress? Distress most likely based on an elevated view of the marriage or relationship – key to understanding trauma Helpful view: Relational Trauma Centered in Trust Loss Defining Affairs

5 Phases of an Affair Doug Rosenau, Celebration of Sex, 2002 Inception Prediscovery Discovery Recovery Resolution 5 Phases of an Affair

Treatment Focal Points Neutrality of the therapist toward both spouses Must not favor the offended or become defender of the offender Identify and maintain the choice for the affair behavior is with the offending spouse Focus on the conflict process and not conflict resolution; Redevelop the communication system; Give skills for home Sexual Intimacy may take time to redevelop – no rush Heal from the Trauma individually and as a couple and then make a new marriage Treatment Focal Points

Treatment Focal Points (continued) Spouse who had the affair most always heals faster Establish hope – The Outcome of Most Affair Recovery is a better marriage Guide through Grief and Confusion When crisis has passed, begin to deal with the “cancer” STD screening immediately even if just oral sex or one night stand; protection involved – doesn’t matter Trust Bucket Cast a vision for the future Treatment Focal Points (continued)

Individual Concerns of Each Spouse Ensure that each spouse takes care of themselves – proper self care, personal responsibility for healing, and adequate coping techniques… community support Assess for addictions or co-dependency Pathway for offender – Become Trustworthy Pathway for the Non-offending – Become Trust Giving Individual Concerns of Each Spouse

Example of Treatment Approach Semi-Narrative Approach – Dr. Stephen Levin “Infidelity” Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals, 2010; Ch. 6 The role of therapist – Assist client in revealing internal distress Therapist again is neutral toward spouses and outcomes Assist clients in expressing and personalizing meaning of affair Heightened focus on the “Crisis of the Betrayed;” Special focus on the “Mind” of the Betrayer Write a new story; Redefine Life Structures Example of Treatment Approach

Parts of this presentation are available in person through the Institute of Sexual Wholeness “Counseling Infidelity” Lecture By Dr. Mike Sytsma, Spring 2015 Celebration of Sex, Dr. Doug Rosenau, 2002 Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals, 2010, Ed. By Stephen Levin and Candace Risen Dave Carder “Torn Asunder” and “Close Calls” Debbie Laaser “Shattered Vows” Mark Laaser “Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction” J Carlson and L Sperry “Recovering Intimacy in Love Relationships,” 2010 Resources