Parenting for Ethics: Five Proven Practices Stratford Academy Parents February 2009

these slides at (case sensitive):

“Good Kids” have: Components of Moral Life Empathy Conscience Altruism Moral Reasoning

Prequiz 1 Other than school, what 2 demands must my kids live up to? When was the last time I communicated those demands / standards? Would my kids say my standards are hard to live up to? Do I monitor living up to demands, or do I trust?

Prequiz 2 When my kids need me, am I there for them? When my kids need me, am I fully present for them? When my kids have trouble living up to the standards I set, what do I do? Is love and support both verbalized and demonstrated?

Parenting Styles DEMANDINGNESS highlow unengaged high NURTURANCE low

Unengaged No preschooler optimally competent Teens highest level of drug/alcohol abuse Teens highest depression, anxiety Teens lowest achievement scores

Parenting Styles DEMANDINGNESS highlow permissive unengaged high NURTURANCE low

Permissive parents children not self regulated, prosocial, achievement oriented adolescents more likely to abuse drugs permissiveness fosters dependency

Parenting Styles DEMANDINGNESS highlow permissive authoritarian unengaged high NURTURANCE low

Authoritarian parents children gave into peer pressure poorer academic skills greater rates of anxiety, depression

Parenting Styles DEMANDINGNESS highlow authoritative permissive authoritarian unengaged high NURTURANCE low

Authoritive vs Authoritarian Authoritative use behavioral control (overt, confrontive, aims at compliance) Authoritarian use behavioral AND psychological control (covert, intrusive, manipulative of world and child’s identity) (psychological control includes guilt induction, threats of loss of love)

Wounding Words (Coercive) Cause more harm to good adjustment than harsh physical punishment

Variable effects of style Diana Baumrind, Ph.D. agentic communal anxiety/depression substance abuse issues moral reasoning skills

moral reasoning fact: Adolescent moral reasoning is predicted positively by authoritative parenting style, negatively by permissive parenting (THUS: high standards, demands AND high levels of nurturance, support)

Kids of authoritive parents More willing to try to change parents’ minds rather than defiant disobedience More agentic AND community oriented

Quiz 1 : Demands Other than school, what 2 demands must my kids live up to? When was the last time I communicated those demands / standards? Would my kids say my standards are hard to live up to? Do I monitor living up to demands, or do I trust? (To what extent do I monitor?)

Quiz 2 : Nurturance When my kids need me, am I there for them? When my kids need me, am I fully present for them? When my kids have trouble living up to the standards I set, what do I do? Is love and support both verbalized and demonstrated?

Prequiz 3: Models Do I live up to the standards I set for my kids? What two virtues do I want my kid to show most? (kindness, respect for people & property, loyalty to family & friends, responsible academic behavior, responsibility for taking part in family duties, honesty…) Do I model these two virtues for my kid? Do I comment on TV shows, current events, music, etc. to reflect my concern for these virtues? Do the people, movies, books and magazines I bring into my home demonstrate (or coexist with) these virtues?

Modeling: “Be the arrow you want to shoot” Kids watch Actions speak louder than words We are the most important moral tools we have Models are also who/what we bring into our homes Practice what you preach, but preach what you practice

Prequiz 4 : Role to Play Does my child have responsibilities at home, other than basic politeness and academics? Do I solicit my child’s opinion on matters? Do I include my child in family discussions? Does my son/daughter feel as though he/she is an important part of the famly? Are there skills (of community living) I want my child to learn before he or she leaves home? (negotiating differences, solving interpersonal problems, fighting fairly…)

Meaningful & Inclusive Family Interactions Involvement in discussions Opinion sought, listened to, respected Role in decision making (when appropriate) (Key role in schools, too) Kids learn the skills of ethical life in such interactions

“By the way …” you do not need to be a perfect parent kids come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and temperaments kids are amazingly resilient we can teach further resilience starting late is better than not starting

Quiz 4 : Role to Play Does my child have responsibilities at home, other than basic politeness and academics? Do I solicit my child’s opinion on matters? Do I include my child in family discussions? Does my son/daughter feel as though he/she is an important part of the famly? Are there skills (of community living) I want my child to learn before he or she leaves home? (negotiating differences, solving interpersonal problems, fighting fairly…)

Prequiz 5 How about spanking? At what age should disciplinary sanctions stop? Do I have a philosophy of discipline I try to stick to? Does my child need to be punished consistently? Does the disciplinary system I use coexist comfortably with the virtues I identified in Prequiz 3? Does my child leave the heat of disciplinary situations feeling feeling competent, autonomous, and like a beloved member of the family?

Induction is perhaps the single most powerful parental influence on children’s moral development Marvin W. Berkowitz McDonnell Professor of Character Education,UMSL

Induction entails pointing out the child’s actions and effects, plus… expressing your concern about the behavior and the behavior’s implications for the child and others

why the importance of induction? It teaches or reinforces knowledge, with feeling it links the self and others it stimulates understanding of reasons for picking one course of action vs another research links induction to greater empathy more highly developed conscience higher levels of moral reasoning altruism

“Good Kids”: Components of Moral Life Empathy Conscience Altruism Moral Reasoning

Two Truths about Discipline Marilyn Watson, Ph.D. The goal of discipline is to develop the skills, understandings, and personal desire to be kind, fair, responsible and wise. Children can be trusted

Quiz 5: Induction & Discipline Spanking perhaps not harmful? At what age should disciplinary sanctions stop? Do I have a philosophy of discipline I try to stick to? Does my child need to be punished consistently? Does the disciplinary system I use coexist comfortably with the virtues I identified in Prequiz 3? Does my child leave the heat of disciplinary situations feeling feeling cometent, autonomous, and like a beloved member of the family?

Five Keys to Parenting Teens Judith Smetana, Ph.D. Set standards and expectations high Be responsive Don’t withdraw love or support in hard times Give freedom, but carefully Keep track

Things to avoid Being a helicopter parent Punishment, to the extent possible Fighting over the small stuff

Final Words: when times are bad Don’t give up, especially when the going gets tough. When it’s tough is when our kids need us most. Valuable skills are learned in tough times.