TOPIC 2 Which WINDOW do you manage your kids (or students) from? Taken from the introduction of ‘Raising Beaut Kids’ Mark Le Messurier, for

MINDFULNESS - the right ‘MENTAL SET'

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who DON’T do it Those who do it WITH others Those who do it TO others Those who OVER do it respectful leadership relational and assertive enabling growth mutual communicator Authoritive NeglectfulPermissive controlling bossy, micromanaging authoritarian autocratic Punitive indulgent and lenient rescues/overly protective excuses behaviour Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS disinterested uninvolved/ absent passive/ submissive Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who do it TO others controlling bossy, micromanaging authoritarian autocratic Punitive Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who DON’T do it Neglectful Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS disinterested uninvolved/ absent passive/ submissive Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who do it TO others Those who OVER do it Permissive controlling bossy, micromanaging authoritarian autocratic Punitive indulgent and lenient rescues/ overly protective excuses behaviour Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who do it WITH others respectful leadership relational and assertive enabling growth mutual communicator Authoritive Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

A taste of attachment Dr Jenny Suthers Clinical Psychologist Golden Grove, SA

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who do it WITH others respectful leadership relational and assertive enabling growth mutual communicator Authoritive Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

Alfred AdlerRudolph Driekurs The 4 goals of ‘misbehaviour’

The 4 goals of ‘misbehaviour’ - Adler’s basic premises 1.Man is a social being and his main desire is to belong 2.All behaviour has a purpose. To understand behaviour we need to know where it is directed - a big part of the direction is towards finding one's place to belong 3.Man is a decision-maker 4.Man does not see reality as it is, but only as he perceives it, and his perception may be ‘mistaken’ or ‘biased’

Need for social recognition Universal need for social recognition REVENGE SEEKING behaviour REVENGE SEEKING behaviour POWER SEEKING behaviour POWER SEEKING behaviour ATTENTION SEEKING behaviour DISPLAYS OF INADEQUACY When social recognition not perceived

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who do it WITH others respectful leadership relational and assertive enabling growth mutual communicator Authoritive Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW An insight into how you manage others Those who DON’T do it Those who do it WITH others Those who do it TO others Those who OVER do it respectful leadership relational and assertive enabling growth mutual communicator Authoritive NeglectfulPermissive controlling bossy, micromanaging authoritarian autocratic Punitive indulgent and lenient rescues/ overly protective excuses behaviour Low High Structure/Limits/boundary Boundary setting/ accountability FIRMNESS Level of support / Nurturance / Flexibility FAIRNESS disinterested uninvolved/ absent passive/ submissive Your style isn’t necessarily what you ‘think’ it is - it’s what is experienced by others. What they see and feel about your interactions and choices What’s yours? Punitive Neglectful Permissive Authoritive

Scenario There are two students in the same home group - they have most lessons together. One is Matt and the other is Bob. Basically, they’re good kids with supportive families. This year they started year 8 at a new school and Bob is fixating over wanting Matt as a new friend. His approach swings from kind-hearted friendship to boisterous ‘put-downs’. Matt likes Bob, but can’t deal with the wild ‘mood swings’. To be fair, Matt likes things to be predictable and go his way too. Both, of course, are on the spectrum. Both have good/average IQ’s, both are always anxious and reactive, and see things their way. Matt has asked to move home groups because he’s overwhelmed. Lately, Matt’s been talking about ‘his rights’ and his anxiety has skyrocketed to tummy aches and diarrhea before school.” Work with those at your table – your task – to role-play 1 person to take a persistent ‘punitive approach’ as an educator/parent 1 person to take a ‘neglectful approach’ as an educator/parent 1 person to take a ‘permissive, overly-protective approach’ as an educator/parent Everyone else to take an ‘authorative approach’ allowing skill building and growth Discuss and debate!

Taken from the introduction of… ‘Raising Beaut Kids’