How to Get Along with Difficult People What I Learned in Kindergarten DENR Lunch ‘n Learn Facilitator: Sondra Wilson, Office of State Personnel Oct. 22, 2009

Playing Nice with Others All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

Play Nice! Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

More Play Nice Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Today “people skills” are as important as technical skills when it comes to getting ahead on the job.

Think about… People who place nice at DENR How do they behave? What makes them effective?

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Perceptions… There are at least two sides to every story. But when you're in the situation, it feels like the other person just doesn't understand

Let’s Watch difficult people in action!

Characteristics Predictably abrasive –Consistently perceived as difficult by most people, not just you Does not own the problem - Keeps blame and responsibility outside of themselves – “not my fault – this is a messed-up place and you caused it!” Robbers of you time and energy. They can literally make you sick. Affects your cardiovascular, digestive, muscles. 10% of the work population are difficult people but they take up – conservatively – % of a manager’s time. Behavior is out of proportion to the problem –They surround themselves with drama.

Pitfalls –Excusing their behavior –Ignoring their behavior (watch it escalate!) –Trying to change their personality. Work on changing their behavior, not their personality -- which may or may not be possible through long-term counseling. –Colluding and rewarding negative behavior

Standing up for one's rights by expressing one's thoughts and feelings directly, honestly, and appropriately without denying the rights of others without denying the rights of others.

A communication that’s two-way Both verbal and non-verbal Breaking down your own and other’s defenses Dealing with conflict Describing specific behaviors Not aggressive or threatening Not backing down Using open and honest statements

Knowing what you want Speaking up for yourself Using Open body language Not afraid to ask why Not afraid to say no Matching delivery with your message Using "I" statements Demonstrating good listening Going for win/win solutions

CHARACTERISTICS Emotionally dishonest, indirect Appropriately emotionally honest, direct Inappropriately emotionally honest, direct at others’ expense YOUR FEELINGS Hurt, anxious, maybe angry later Confident, self-respectingRighteous, superior, maybe guilty later OTHERS’ FEELING about SELF Guilty or superior Valued, respectedHurt, humiliated OTHERS’ FEELINGS about YOU Irritations, pityGenerally respectAngry, vengeful NON-ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVEAGGRESSIVE

Strategies Stand up ____________________ Do not ______________________ Don’t take it __________________ Make sure you’re ______________the right things Remember to _____________, really __________. With bullies, don’t ___________ but don’t __________ either. With “yes” people (puppy dogs), make it _________ for them to say ________. Remain _________________________. Don’t get ____________________________. Focus on the _______________, not the __________________. Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

The Power of…

Practicing Empathy First, acknowledge that how we see things is our perception, not necessarily reality. Practice active listening to be sure our message is clear.

Lions – they like to roar They like to roar

They like to crow in your ear

Beware of the Backstabber

The Insecure

Negative Nellie

I just want to be loved.

How About YOU? Source: