CHAPTER 4 Communication in Relationships

Chapter 4: Communication Introduction Quote: “Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Author Discussion: –How important do you consider communication in a relationship? –What are some ways that bad communication skills will negatively effect a relationship?

Chapter 4: Communication Chapter Outline Interpersonal Communication Conflicts in Relationships Principles and Techniques of Effective Communication Gender, Culture, and Communication Self-Disclosure, Dishonesty, and Secrets Lying and Cheating Theories Applied to Relationship Communication Fighting Fair: Seven Steps in Conflict Resolution The Future of Communication

Interpersonal Communication Communication can be defined as the process of exchanging information and feelings between two people. Although most communication is focused on verbal content, much (estimated to be as high as 80%) interpersonal communication is nonverbal.

Interpersonal Communication Discussion: –Look at the picture. What nonverbal message is the female conveying to the male?

Interpersonal Communication: Words versus Action A great deal of social discourse depends on saying things that sound good but which have no meaning in terms of behavioral impact. –“Let’s get together.” –“Let’s hang out.” Discussion: How could one rephrase the comments above in order to have more direct behavioral intent?

Interpersonal Communication: Texting, IM, and Social Media Today’s youth are being socialized in a hyper-digital age where traditional modes of communication will be replaced by gadgets and texting (young people send an average of 2,272 text messages a month). This shift to greater use of technology affects relationships in both positive and negative ways.

Conflicts In Relationships Conflict is the interaction that results when the behavior of one person interferes with the behavior of another. Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. Conflict can be healthy and productive for a couple’s relationship. –Ignoring an issue may result in the partners becoming resentful and dissatisfied.

Conflicts in Relationships: Sources of Conflict 1.Behavior 2.Cognition and perceptions 3.Value differences 4.Inconsistent rules 5.Leadership ambiguity

15 Principles And Techniques Of Effective Communication 1.Make communication a priority. 2.Avoid negative/harmful statements to your partner. 3.Say positive things about your partner. 4.Establish and maintain eye contact. 5.Ask open-ended questions. 6.Use reflective listening. 7.Use “I” statements. 8.Establish touch. 9.Use “soft” emotions.

15 Principles And Techniques Of Effective Communication 10.Tell your partner what you want. 11.Stay focused on the issue. 12.Make specific resolutions to disagreements. 13.Give congruent messages. 14.Share power. 15.Keep the process of communication going.

Gender, Culture, and Communication: Gender Differences Women and men differ in their approach to and patterns of communication. The genders also differ in regard to emotionality. Women tend to be more communicative about relationship issues, approach issues more emotionally, and disclose more in their relationships than men do. Men and women also differ in the degree to which they use tentative speech – word which convey uncertainty and a lack of confidence for a communicator.

Gender, Culture, and Communication: Cultural Differences Communication styles vary by country. See the example below:

Self-Disclosure, Dishonesty, and Secrets: Self Disclosure Involves revealing personal information and feelings about oneself to another person Relationships become more stable when individuals disclose: –Their formative years –Previous relationships (positive and negative) –Experiences of elation and sadness/depression –Goals (achieved and thwarted)

Discussion: Should One Partner Disclose HIV/STIs To The Other? Avoiding disclosure or lying about having an STI is a serious ethical violation. Some states and cities have laws that require health care providers to advise all persons with serious sexually transmitted diseases about the importance of informing their sex or needle-sharing partner(s). Your Opinion: What do you think the penalty should be for deliberately exposing a person to an STI?

Self-Disclosure, Dishonesty, and Secrets Forms of Dishonesty and Deception –Dishonesty and deception take various forms. –People may exaggerate or conceal the truth, pretend, or withhold information. Family Secrets –Abuse –Substance Abuse –Cheating/Adultery –Homosexuality –Adoption –Heritage –Illness/Death

Lying and Cheating Lying, a deliberate attempt to mislead, is pervasive in American society. Lying in College Student Relationships Cheating in College Student Relationships

Forms Of Dishonesty And Deception Food for thought… –Over 95% of university students in one study reported having lied to their parents when they were living at home. –In response to the statement, “I have lied to a person I was involved with,” 5Seven% of 2,922 undergrads reported “yes.” 14% reported having lied to a partner about their previous number of sexual partners.

Theories Applied To Relationship Communication Symbolic Interactionism –Interactionists examine the process of communication between two actors in terms of the meanings each attaches to the actions of the other. Social Exchange –Suggest that communication can be described as a ratio of rewards to costs

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps In Conflict Resolution 1. Address Recurring, Disturbing Issues 2. Identify New Desired Behaviors 3. Identify Perceptions to Change 4. Summarize Your Partner’s Perspective 5. Generate Alternative Win-Win Solutions 6. Forgive 7. Be Alert to Defense Mechanisms

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps to Conflict Resolution: Win-Win Relationships Relationships in which conflict is resolved so each partner benefits from the resolution. –Win-Win Both partners get something they want. –Win-Lose Only one partner gets what he or she wants. –Lose-Lose Neither partner gets what he or she wants.

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps to Conflict Resolution: Generate Alternative Win-Win Relationships In Evaluating Solutions To Conflicts, It May Be Helpful To Ask These Questions: 1.Does the solution satisfy both individuals? 2.Is the solution specific? Does it specify exactly who is to do what, how, and when? 3.Is the solution realistic? 4.Does the solution prevent the problem from reoccurring? 5.Does the solution specify what is to happen if the problem recurs?

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps to Conflict Resolution: Be Alert to Defense Mechanisms Effective conflict resolution is sometimes blocked by defense mechanisms – unconscious techniques that function to protect individuals from anxiety and to minimize emotional hurt. Common Defense Mechanisms: –Escapism –Rationalization –Projection –Displacement

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps to Conflict Resolution: Be Alert to Defense Mechanisms Escapism –Simultaneous denial of and withdrawal from a problem. Rationalization –Cognitive justifications for one’s own behavior that unconsciously conceals one’s true motives. Projection –Occurs when one spouse unconsciously attributes individual feelings, attitudes or desires to the partner. Displacement –Involves shifting feelings, thoughts, or behaviors from the person who evokes them onto someone else.

The Future of Communication The future of communication will increasingly involve technology in the form of texting, smart phones, Facebook, etc. Such technology will be used to initiate, enhance, and maintain relationships.

Quick Quiz 1.What is the most INEFFECTIVE manner of communication? a."I" statements b."You" statements c.Saying positive things about your partner d.Sharing power

Quick Quiz 2.Effective conflict resolution is often blocked by: a.volatile conflict style b.defense mechanisms c.lose-lose situations d.avoidance

Quick Quiz 3.The process of exchanging information and feelings between two people is called: a.interaction b.rapport c.evaluation d.communication

Quick Quiz 4.Which of the following was not listed as a source of conflict in communication? a.Behavior b.Cognitions and perceptions c.Inconsistent rules d.Making communication a priority

Quick Quiz 5.Which one of the following is a defense mechanism that is a cognitive justification for one’s own behavior to unconsciously conceals one’s motives? a.Escapism b.Rationalization c.Projection d.Displacement