Listening so Teens will Talk Keith Orchard – LCSW November 9th, 2013

1. What to say to Sara? That’s bullcrap mom. I’m 16, you treat me like a baby with this curfew at 10. All my friends stay out as late as they want.

2. What to say to Sara? Lori’s mom is so ridiculous, she won’t even let her have texting on her phone.

How do we get our kids to open up? Key Element: Be Safe

Has there been anyone in your life who is decidedly not safe?

“I need the new iPhone, why can’t I have I have it?” “Can I please stay out to midnight; everyone else is going to that movie.” “I want to quit the basketball team, I never get to play.” “I don’t care if I have a fever, there is no way I’m missing this concert.”

Statements that will shut your child down “Quit complaining, you don’t know how good you have it.” “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you are making it.” “You’ll get over it.” Dismissing feelings

Statements that will shut your child down “Adversity builds character!” “There are other fish in the sea.” “God will not give you more than you can handle.” Platitudes

Statements that will shut your child down “If I had pulled that stunt when I was your age, do know what would have happened to me….? I’ll tell you what….” Lecturing “Did you even consider how embarrassing this would be for you father?” Guilt Card

Statements that will shut your child down “I know exactly how you feel, last week when your father yelled at me I was so angry I threatened to divorce him” Moving focus away from them - Making it about you

Statements that will shut your child down “Well that’s what happens when you make stupid choices.” “Well, I reminded you three times but did you listen…?” “I told you so”, Moralizing

Statements that will shut your child down “You shouldn’t put up with that garbage – dump the guy.” “If I were you I would march over there and…” Giving advice, Solving the problem

Statements that will shut your child down It’s not about the nail U

How to be Safe? Step 1: Stay Calm, Don’t Overreact

Ways to show you are not Safe Respond with Anger “You did what?!!!” “What the hell are you thinking?!!! Your father is going to have a coronary!” Respond with Fear or Sadness “Could this get any worse? Our lives will be ruined.”

How to be Safe? Step 2: Listen… and then listen more

Our Goal In listening, we want the other person to feel like you care and you understand them. (even if don’t understand or you disagree!)

a. Use Reflective Listening Simple reflection has you repeat what a person says. Deeper reflection identifies a thought or feeling behind the statement.

Show you are listening by reflecting Examples: The coach is always on my back, I can’t stand it!” Simple reflection: “You’re coach is on your case a lot.” Deeper reflection: “You feel discouraged because your coach won’t cut you a break.”

Show you are listening by reflecting Example: “I hate school, I want to quit.” “You are really not liking school right now.” “You sound really frustrated.” “Wow, you must have had a really hard day.”

Practice Reflection Example: “Ugggg. I hate these jeans. I don’t have anything nice to wear!” ‘‘You are having a hard time finding something you like today.’’ ‘‘You’re not happy with your wardrobe choices this morning.’’

Practice Reflection Example: “Math is so stupid. I’ll never have to use algebra anyway.” ‘‘You are not enjoying your math tonight.’’ ‘‘Sounds like you are really struggling with a your lesson.’’

Reflection Effective Physician

b. Be Empathetic “Wow, that’s hard” “I see…that’s tough” “I’m so sorry you are going through that” “Shoot, sounds like a tough day” “That’s bad luck. Sorry that happened” “What a tough spot you are in”

c. Be Silent A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. Proverbs chapter 17:27 NLT

d. Ask Questions (How to get Teens to Listen to Us - Step 1) Open vs Closed Questions Open ended questions generally cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Open or Closed Questions? Did you have fun tonight? Tell me about your night. Are you worried about your big test? When you imagine taking your test, what is that like for you? How was school? What was your best thing about school today?

How to get Teens to Listen to Us Step 1: Talk Less

How to get Teens to Listen to Us Step 2: Talk Carefully

How to get Teens to Listen to Us Step 3: Talk in an accent

1. What to say to Sara? That’s bullcrap mom. I’m 16, you treat me like a baby with this curfew at 10. All my friends stay out as late as they want.

2. What to say to Sara? Lori’s mom is so ridiculous, she won’t even let her have texting on her phone.