Wish upon a Star Ross Shire Women’s Aid 2010

Hello. I am R and I am 16 years old Hello. I am R and I am 16 years old. This is my experience of domestic abuse.

I used to have a ‘magical’ world, until a few years ago. That’s when my life got worse and worse, and it got to the point where I was unhappy and made excuses so I didn’t have to see anyone or go to anything. Then, when Mum and J split up things got really bad and I cried myself to sleep every night and wished it would go away. I never wanted to wake up because I had nothing.

It finally just came out... On my first day back after the summer holidays, my teacher in P.E said she couldn’t work in the atmosphere of the class not getting along anymore. Then, I was talking to her and she asked me how I felt about being in the class. I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying, so I had no choice but to tell her, because I hated lying to everyone, pretending everything was ok. So I just told her. But then I was scared and worried that I let it out and I would get into trouble and nobody would like me as I was different and had nothing, not even a place I could call home.

Then there was all these questions and having to talk to loads of teachers about it, and it was so upsetting and I was scared in case I got into trouble for saying and if J found out what would he do. Then we met Kirsty and she has really helped and I would not have been able to cope without her. I am so glad now I did say something when I did, or else I don’t know what would have happened to me.

This is my letter to J. I wrote it to express how I feel, it would never be sent. Dear J, I had every thing anyone could have ever wanted before you came along, I was happy, loud, chatty and always at my friends. I had family that loved me, and every night I would always want to wake for the next day. I had a magical world. When you first came I didn’t mind you, but you took my relationship with my mum away from me, but because she was happy I was happy for her and then I started to love you and thought I don’t even know who my dad is, but I suppose you can now be my pretend dad.

A year after when you came in drunk and shouting your mouth off and caused an argument between the family that’s when I started to hate you, because we were a happy family until you came into our lives. When we moved to P I thought new house, new beginning a second chance to show that you were sorry, but oh no that’s not how it was. You sat in your chair making us do all the housework and if we missed a bit you’d shout ‘if a job is worth doing it’s worth doing right’. You just sat in your chair all day and did nothing, while we were at school and work, then you’d make us do it all.

All you did was moan, shout and threaten us All you did was moan, shout and threaten us. No wonder I lost my confidence and grew apart from my friends. I went from being the loudest to the quietest in one summer. I just don’t know what to say to my friends anymore, I think they hate me because I am not the same person I used to be. I didn’t get invited to anything that they were doing and then I’d hear them talk about it all the time. I started to hate school.

Bet you only took us on holiday because you wanted to go and you would be the bad one for leaving us behind. You didn’t really care about us at all. All you ever say is ‘it’s my house and if your not happy then you can piss off back to M’ how do you think that made us feel? It wasn’t just your house it was ours. You have stolen our home. Then when I became ill with my tummy, it was all thanks to your holiday and making fun off me.

You would get our hopes up, saying we were going somewhere so we would be up early, and then you’d say we’re not going anymore, or “I never said that”. You don’t even tell the truth to people, blaming us for the split up. Now they won’t even talk to us, when we did everything for them; you guys are made for each other. And you would threaten us, “I know people who were in jail, who have bitten peoples ears off, I know people who have guns. I can phone them up and nobody will ever know who did it”.

  When I would cook you would always criticise it and then wonder why I would never cook again. Then you would say, “I’m not cooking again as she never does it”. Maybe if you weren’t so horrid to me I would. Shame, everyone else likes my cooking now.  I hate hating people and don’t understand why people are so horrible to people, but I do hate you and never want to see you again and hope you have a horrible sad old life. 

I would go up to my room after dinner or walk the dog so I wouldn’t be near you and cry myself to sleep and wish I would never wake up and still do sometimes as you have our home and we have nothing not even somewhere we can call our home. I feel like my live is never going to get better.

All I have is a family and I really need support and I’m never happy now, I just try to be. Deep down I am crying all the time. I cry when nobody will see cause they won’t understand and think I am just being stupid and if I get caught I just blame my tummy, and I hate lying because I know it’s wrong but nobody knows how horrible this is. I want my happy old self back and to be involved with my friends, have a home, go on holidays etc.

Every time I see you or hear your name I cringe and I hope you’re happy that I am so unhappy and have nothing to look forward to now. I had my life planned and you have ruined everything you possibly could. I wish we never met you and that I kicked you out from the start, but I thought you made mum happy and accepted it. It turns out that not many people liked you and they only talked to you cause you were with us, wish I could have done that from the start. From, R

My ‘Magical’ World. These were the things that made my world magical. I was always with my friends Getting invited to everything I had a close family, who I could tell things to I had my future planned I just had everything I could have possibly wanted and needed. I was happy, busy, loud, chatty and having lots of fun.

Since I have met Kirsty  I am so pleased that I did tell someone now as I wouldn’t have got the help that I have needed and continue to need unless I had. Kirsty is really nice and kind and supporting, I tell her everything that I can’t tell anybody else and I really trust her. As long as I have Kirsty I feel I can be safe. If I never had met Kirsty I don’t think I would still be here.

Things are getting better! We have got a house to stay in for now. The best thing is that I have my own bedroom again.  We have got a Christmas tree up, which we haven’t been able to do for 5 years.  We have our own space.  I can start thinking about my future again.

Thanks for listening. Bye! Rx