Ingredients of a Helping Relationship

Ingredients of a Helping Relationship Self Concept Values & Ethics Relationship conditions

Relationship Conditions Empathy Respect Genuineness

Empathy> Verbal Nonverbal Show desire to comprehend Discuss what is important to the client Refer to clients feelings Add on to implicit client messages Nonverbal direct eye contact forward-leaning body position open arm position pacing

Empathy: Methods, Levels & Scripture http://members.chello.nl/rwestdor/13mar2006/image/empathy.jpg

Levels of Empathy Questions or denial Feeling or Content only Feelings and content Feelings, content, and deficit Feelings, content, deficit and possible action step

Level 0 No Empathy Counselors response is “It will be all right” Question Denial Reassurance Advice “It will be all right” “Don’t get upset” http://www.webbwerks.com/gallery/unphoto/manipulate/pretentious/hands/denial_Sm.jpg

Examples of Non-Empathy Hey, you're a great worker, you can handle it!" "I think you let him push you around. Why don't you let him know how much you are doing already!" "Oh, I feel so sorry for you." "That's life in the big city." http://www.enotalone.com/article/2830.html

Level 1 Feelings or Content Counselor response highlights only Content of clients message; Or only Feelings The other is ignored. Your teenage daughter comes home from school, rushes up to you, and gives you a big hug. You say, "You seem so excited and happy!" You ask, "What’s happening?" http://www.orhs.org/services/healthy_woman/newsletter/2001/spring01/empathy.jpg

Example 1 Your supervisor comes into your cubicle and sits down in the chair next to your desk. She doesn’t look at you but stares down at the paper she is holding. You say, "You look very upset." You say, "Uh-oh, I must be in trouble."

Example 2 You are working in the backroom of the store where you work as an assistant manager. A sales associate rushes in from the selling floor, grabs her jacket, and goes back out. She doesn’t look at you, but she seems very upset. What do you say or do when she returns to the store 30 minutes later? Which of the following is the most empathic response? a. "You seemed pretty upset a while ago. Are you okay?" b. "Do you want to talk about it?" c. "Let me know if you need to talk."

Example 3 You work in a nursery school, and today has been a very busy day. Now it is 5:00 and most of the children have been picked up. You look over at Patti, a reliable assistant teacher, who said when she came in this morning that she was getting a cold. She looks awful now. It is almost time for her to leave. Which is the most empathic response? "How are you feeling?" "You look like you could use some rest." "Take good care of yourself tonight, okay?"

Example 4 Yesterday, your daughter Sara spent several hours at the computer writing an essay. She was so proud of herself because it was the first time she’d done a whole assignment like that without your help. Today, she came home from school looking very disappointed. She said she had answered the wrong questions and had to do the assignment over. Which is the most empathic response? "What happened?" "It’s upsetting when your work is for nothing, isn’t it?" "Want to talk about it?"

Level 2 Feelings & Content Counselor responds to both content or meaning and feelings. http://vincentthome.com/tickle/braintest_files/empathy_s.gif

Level 3: Deficit Helper responds to client’s Feelings and content Identifies deficit. http://www.cyberkisses.com/platinum/images/catladyc.jpg

Level 4: Action Step Counselor response includes all of Level 3 plus one action step.

Cases 1 & 2 Male, 35 - "I am an older student and I just don't seem to fit here. No one ever talks to me outside class and I have not made any friends in two semesters." Female, 22 - "My boyfriend is always looking at other attractive women. I am afraid he will leave me for someone better-looking than me."

Cases 3 & 4 Latin American Male, 19: "American men seem to treat their women poorly. It upsets me to see some girls put up with so much emotional abuse. In my country women are treated with kindness and respect. I would never mistreat a woman. It is not right." Black Female, 20: " This is my first semester. I am excited and really want to do well in this class. I am the first person in my family to go to college but I am afraid I might fail out and disappoint everyone. What if I am not smart enough? "

Case 5 & 6 Female, 45: "I am so upset! I was passed up for another promotion today. They chose another male. I know I am better qualified but they just don't want me because I am a female and they think I won't be a good leader." Male, 18: "Women are such gold-diggers. If I had a lot of money I could have any woman I wanted. Rich guys get all the great women. It's disgusting. "

Case 7 & 8 Homosexual Female, 18: "I am nervous about telling my new friend Sarah that I am gay. I fear she will reject me or think I am coming on to her when I just want to be friends." Male, 20: "I can't stand women who cry a lot. My girlfriend got upset with me and I couldn't get her to stop crying. She makes me feel guilty."

John is looking frustrated, Mary should say: Let me help you. Let’s talk about it. Why are you rejecting me? You look frustrated. Just take some time to relax and we can talk later.

If a woman cries a man should Tell her the situation is not so bad. Explain why she should not be so upset. Cry with her Agree that the situation is upsetting

Listen and Accept Exercise

Purposes: To listen to feelings without taking them personally To respond with acceptance and understanding. To help your client listen to you without fixing things or devaluing your emotions.

Procedures 1: Client 1 who is most emotionally expressive choose topic to discuss about which you have argued before. Client 1 asks Client 2 to just listen to them. Client 2 listens to client 1 without offering suggestions or minimizing feelings.

Procedures 2: Client 2 give eye contact. Client 2 can respond acceptingly to feelings ex, that must be difficult, I am sorry that is happening to you. Client 1 pushes the envelope getting emotional. Client 2 listens but does not attempt to defend to change anything.

Observations: Observe how you feel after expressing your feelings Observe how you feel when the other is upset. Observe then kinds of things you are tempted to say when feeling deeply. Observe how you are tempted to respond when no response other than listening is required.

Scriptural Idea: James 1: 19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (NIV)

Respond Empathically Steve returns to his roommate Chris and says, that is the 3rd job interview from which I have been turned down this week, I bet I will blow the rest of them. Don’t worry the rest will go fine I wish I had ½ as many interviews I am really sorry what will you do? That tough, it is really important to you to get a job.

I Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

2 Corinthians 11:29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

Philippians 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me.

Acts 21:13 Then Paul answered, "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus."

Romans 12 :14-16 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another

Touching How is it perceived? Genuine? Is the other person uncomfortable? Who is it for them or me?

Sources http://www.nku.edu/~hcp/Empathy.htm accessed 1/9/2007 3:19 PM Egan, G. (2007). The skilled helper: A problem-management and opportunity-development approach to helping (8th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thompson. Cormier, W. H. (1991). Interviewing strategies for helpers: Fundamental skills and cognitive behavioral interventions (3rd ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. http://www.enotalone.com/article/2830.html 1/9/2007 3:47 PM

Genuineness Supporting nonverbal behaviors Role behavior Congruence Spontaneity Self-disclosure> Non-defensiveness>

Counselor Self Disclosure http://www.revealtheatre.co.uk/

Purposes for Counselor Self-disclosure To generate an open and facilitative counseling atmosphere. To reduce the role distance between counselor and client. To increase the disclosure level of clients. http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y121/ericrogge/Eric%20in%20Scotland/Dsc02225.jpg

Ground rules for Self-disclosure A moderate amount of disclosure. Avoid taking too much time for self-disclosure Similar In content and In mood to the client's messages

Ground rules for Self-disclosure Depth parallel to your client’s Use demographic disclosure early Personal disclosures later. Be ready to articulate how your self-disclosure is of benefit to the client.

How Much Disclosure is Appropriate in a Dating Situation?

Non-Defensiveness: Best Response Client: I don’t think I’m really getting anything out of these sessions at all. I still feel drained all the time. Why should I waste my time coming here? Counselor 1: If you were honest with yourself, you’d see that you are the one wasting time. Change is hard and you keep putting it off. Counselor 2: Well, that is your decision. Counselor 3: So from where you are sitting, there’s no payoff for being here. Just a lot of dreary work and nothing to show for it. Modified from: Egan, Gerard. The skilled helper: A problem-management and opportunity-development approach to helping. 8th ed. Belmont, CA: Thompson, 2007. p 57.

Positive Regard Commitment Understanding Non-judgmental Warmth

Influence Variables Expertness Attractiveness Trustworthiness Role & Symbols Concreteness Attractiveness Self-disclosure Structuring Trustworthiness