How Do you operate in conflict? DFW NIGP Professional Development Day October 10, 2013 Presented By: Nicole C. Mucha, MA, CPSM

Understand how YOU Operate in Conflict Training Objectives Understand how YOU Operate in Conflict Conflict Myths, Misconceptions and Truth Identify 5 Styles of Managing Conflict Uncover Your Style Recognize Others Tailor Your Approach to Any Conflict Situation Dealing with Difficult People Use the CALM Method “Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth–or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them.” – Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith A large part of understanding how to deal with any difficult situation, is understanding how we operate within conflict. Many of you have seen the 5 styles of managing conflict, but it is critical to understand so we are going to dive deeper into this today and practice with different scenarios.

2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings Conflict Myths, Misconceptions and Truth Myths & Misconceptions It is always bad Someone is always wrong, and you’re always right Conflict will resolve itself over time People always know when they are part of a conflict It only affects the 2 parties involved It happens because of a stubborn or uncaring attitude Truth Conflict can be a good thing! Can produce creative results/solutions Conflict is rarely easy Myths: It is always bad Some people consider conflict harmful. They feel it should be corrected or suppressed quickly. This is not true! Conflicts can be productive if properly managed. Most managers now take the view that conflict should be encouraged as debate and questioning will ultimately result in increased creativity and better decision making. Someone is always wrong, and you’re always right We are all unique individuals. We have different educational backgrounds, work histories, skills, abilities, and personalities. Our situations are different. Everyone experiences life differently, so you naturally adapt it to your needs. We see through our own lens. Conflict will resolve itself over time How many of you believe that conflict just goes away and the old issues never come up again? Yeah, right! If it is not resolved, it could always be something that lingers. People always know when they are part of a conflict Sometimes people know someone is mad at them, but have no idea why or even that someone might be mad at them. How many of you have experienced this? It only affects the 2 parties involved That is not true. It can be widespread and devastating. It happens because of a stubborn or uncaring attitude   Truths: Conflict can be a good thing! Conflict is natural and unavoidable / we ALL experience it. The ability to manage it is a key skill everyone should practice. To be positive, conflict must: Be actively managed to produce the desired results Support the group goals Avoid non-productive debates that hinder performance. Focus conflict around ideas not personalities. Can produce creative results/solutions Conflict is not easy – you will have to work at it. 2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings To be self expressed To be heard – Which means the other person actually understood what you were saying… 2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings  To be self expressed  To be heard

Are you a… ? Conflict Shark Owl Fox Turtle Teddy Bear Again, part of understanding how to deal with any difficult situation, is understanding how we operate within conflict. When it comes to conflict, are you a…? Let’s take the Quiz and find out… 3 to 4mins. Again, some of you may be familiar with this, but we are going to dive into it a little deeper… Fox Turtle Teddy Bear

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Competing Win-Lose Collaborating Win-Win-Win Goals Notice the goals versus the relationship – this is called the balance of competing interests… explain the grid… Not one style is right or better than the others, it all depends on the situation and parties involved. How you naturally tend to deal with conflict falls within of the grids. As we go along, note that each of these styles are appropriate at certain times: - Competing - Collaborating - Compromising - Avoiding - Accommodating Compromising Win-Win Avoiding Lose-Lose Accommodating Lose-Win Relationship

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Competing Style (the Shark) A competitive style means that a person is putting his/her interests before anyone else’s interests. Competing Win-Lose Best Times to Use This Style: When the other will be very competitive. When important others expect you to compete. When the stakes are high. Goals Read the slide Competing style is used when one side in the conflict is taken at the expense of the other; which creates a winner and a loser. Often used when there are time sensitivities or when the ongoing relationship is not important. Results are win-lose. A great example is car buying negotiations – relationship not important as you want to get the best deal possible. You would not want to use this with a vendor you are working with to resolve an issue… Relationship

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Collaborating Style (the Owl) A collaborative conflict style enables people to work together so everyone can win. Using this style, people try to find a solution that will help everyone meet their interests and help everyone maintain a good relationship. Collaborating Win-Win-Win Best Times to Use This Style: When the issue is complex and requires creativity. When there is a long-term relationship. When their implementation of the decision is necessary. Goals Read the slide Collaborating style occurs when conflicting parties approach the conflict as a mutual problem and work to find a resolution which both parties can agree on. Creates a win-win situation and dispels the “zero sum” myth, which believes there can be a great solution for everyone. Example would be working through a contractual problem your agency has with a long term vendor relationship and goals are both important. Relationship

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Accommodating Style (the Teddy Bear) The accommodating style requires someone to put their interests last and let others have what they want. Many times people believe that keeping a good relationship is more important than anything else. Best Times to Use This Style: When the issue is trivial to you. When harmony in the relationship is all-important. When you are the low power party in a serious power imbalance. When you want to build trust in the other by demonstrating a protection of their interests. Goals Read the slide Accommodating sometimes means giving the other party what they want. Typically used where the issue is not important to the organization but it is important to the individual or where it is critical to maintain a good relationship with the individual. Ex. Dinner w family. Accommodating Lose-Win Relationship

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Avoiding Style (the Turtle) The avoiding style is used when someone does not get involved in a conflict. A person choosing the avoiding style might say “you decide and leave me out of it.” Best Times to Use This Style: When the issue is trivial to you. When there is no long-term relationship. Goals Read the slide Use this style when the issue is unimportant and neither party feels strongly about the conflict. You are hoping that the issue will resolve itself or fade away. Often you may avoid because you do not have time to engage or because you are dealing with a higher priority issue. It is a passive approach which does not result in agreement. Avoiding Lose-Lose Relationship

5 Styles of Managing Conflict Compromising Style (the Fox) A compromising style is important when someone wants to satisfy some of their interests, but not all of them. People who compromise are likely to say, “let’s split the difference” or “something is better than nothing.” Best Times To Use This Style: When the other will be very competitive. When important others expect you to compete. When the stakes are high. Best Times to Use This Style: When there are truly finite resources. When there are no means to increase the divisible resources. Competing Win-Lose Read the slide Both sides give up something. There is no clear winner but both sides save face. It is really a lose – lose situation in that no one gets what they want. You take the pie and split it in half. Compromising Win-Win Goals Relationship

Let’s Practice Examples 1-5 Read, get answers. (Ask if people want to read each example) Exercise: Adjusting your Conflict Style Some common conflicts include: Disputes between an organization and board of directors Idea-based conflicts between employees Personality-based conflicts between employees Family Conflicts Community Conflicts (noise). SO, who wants to give some examples of what they spoke about…..discussion

Dealing with difficult people can be.. difficult! So we’ve all been there, dealing with the person who’s never happy, hyper-critical or never satisfied and if we’re honest, we’ve been that difficult person ourselves once or twice too. Let’s discuss this briefly (in your small groups?) Discussion (if have time).

Dealing with Difficult People Make sure YOU’re not the difficult person Do a little self-reflection, check your role in the conflict Make sure your need to be heard & self-expression is manifesting itself in a positive way Take a “time out” if need be Keep it Respectful Don’t meet difficult behavior with difficult behavior Avoid “you”, “always” and “never” statements Try the CALM Model Clarify the issue Address the problem Listen to the other side Manage your way to resolution So how do you effectively deal with difficult people? First thing to do: 1 – Make sure YOU’re not the difficult person  Do a little self-reflection, make sure you are not the instigator and check your role in the conflict.  Make sure your need to be heard & self-expression is manifesting itself in a positive way to move the conflict forward (not be a stumbling block or instigator). Take a “time out” if need be Time out and regroup if you need. 2 – Keep it Respectful  Don’t meet difficult behavior with difficult behavior  Avoid “you” statements – they tend to make people tense and defensive (ex. “You did something that really bothers me.”) Instead, use a non-accusatory opening that ask for the other person’s cooperation (ex “I need your help to solve a problem I’m facing.”)  Try the CALM Model Clarify the issue Address the problem Listen to the other side Manage your way to resolution

Dealing with Difficult People - CALM CLARIFY the Issue Define and understand the issue you are dealing with Dissect the Conflict – move it from your heart to your head by answering these clarifying questions: What am I upset about? ● What exactly am I feeling and why? ● How may I have contributed to the problem? ● Am I overreacting? ● What will successful resolution look like? ● How would I want to be approached about the conflict? ADDRESS the Problem Don’t ignore the person or the issue. Instead, attack the problem.. not the person, use a non-accusatory opening that ask for the other person’s cooperation (i.e. “I need your help to solve a problem I’m facing.”) When discussing – describe in specific, factual, and non-accusatory terms LISTEN to the Other Side Give your total attention Acknowledge that you are listening (“Okay, “I see, “I understand,” etc.) NEVER interrupt Ask questions and seek clarification in a non-threatening way: “I’m not sure I really understand. Could you go over that again?” Paraphrase / Summarize: “Jason, let me make sure I understand. You’re saying that….Is this correct?” Concentrate on the words and behaviors of the person you are speaking with in order to understand where he/she is coming from and why the person feels the way they do. Once you have that knowledge, you should be in a better position to resolve differences and work together more productively. MANAGE your way to a Resolution Gain agreement that a problem exists. Identify each other’s concerns and needs. Explore possible win-win solutions. Agree on a course of action. Determine how missteps will be handled. Closing on a positive note. Role Play: Work Schedule Conflict So let’s look at the CALM model a little deeper.   CLARIFY the Issue READ SLIDE ADDRESS the Problem Describe the Issue – describe in specific, factual, and non-accusatory terms:  Exactly what happened. How what happened made you feel. How it has negatively affected you and your work, and others and their work. LISTEN to the other Side MANAGE your way to a resolution Role Play: Work Schedule Conflict Read rules (if time permits)

In Summary Conflict Management Conflict can be a good thing and when handled appropriately can lead to healthy interactions with creative solutions. Dealing with difficult people is inevitable. Understanding your own style of conflict helps. 5 Styles of Conflict Management Accommodating Style (the Teddy Bear) Avoiding Style (the Turtle) Collaborating Style (the Owl) Competing Style (the Shark) Compromising Style (the Fox) Each style is appropriate in certain situations. Each style is a balance of competing interests: the Goals vs. Relationships When dealing with difficult people, make sure the difficult person is not YOU. Try to remain CALM when dealing with difficult people: Clarify the issue Address the problem Listen to the other side Manage your way to resolution In an environment of change, where it often feels as though we don’t have any control – we have the opportunity to positively impact those around us through our everyday interactions. “The test of a successful person is not an ability to eliminate all problems before they arise, but to meet and work out difficulties when they do arise.” – David J. Schwartz Summarize