THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

HOW DO OTHERS DESCRIBE YOU WHEN ASKED, “WHAT IS _________ LIKE?” Patience

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE CHARACTERISTIC OF PEACE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HAVE THIS PART OF THE FRUIT IN YOU? Peace

PEACE & PATIENCE Patience Produces Peace

I. What is Patience?  What it is NOT: Passivity or Denial of Reality… nowhere in Scripture is patience seen as an apathetic tolerance  The Encarta Dictionary defines patience in this manner: “The ability to endure waiting delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset … or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.”

AMERICAN IMPATIENCE

I. What is Patience?  Makrothumia. This is the choice to refrain from avenging oneself, at least immediately; it can include either a delay or erasure of wrath. We might call this "the patience motivated by love.“ This "delay" aspect of patience runs against the grain of the Fight Instinct. If we experience the urge to fight (usually verbally) we wait; we gather our thoughts, get our composure, and perhaps seek counsel.  Hupomone. This involves the choice to bravely endure what cannot or should not be controlled. It involves the concept of resignation. We face the situation and endure the consequences. This patience keeps us from seeking unethical shortcuts and improper compromises. We might call this "patience motivated by hope" (1 Thessalonians 1:3b).

1. We believe we are entitled 2. We are selfish and immature 3. We think we are in control 4. We believe we can predict the future 5. We are arrogant & feel superior 6. We don’t care to understand others 7. We have unrealistic expectations II. Why Are We Impatient?

III. The Importance of Patience  Why is patience an important characteristic for us to develop?  Because patience is a characteristic of God, and we are to imitate God's character (Ephesians 5:1-2; Jonah 4:2)  Scripture calls us to (2 Peter 3:9)  It is a part of love’s definition- maybe defines love (I Corinthians 13:4)  It is an example Christ presented to us (I Tim. 1:16)

We are Incredibly Impatient By Nature- That’s Why God Expects Us to Grow as Disciples… and Grow in Patience POINT 1:

IV. Why is Impatience a Problem?  Impatience makes you a poor listener  Impatience keeps you from taking in information  Impatience makes you devalue others  Impatience annoys others

IV. Why is Impatience a Problem? Impatience Kills Marriages: 4 Horsemen 1. Criticism:  Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong  Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …” 2. Contempt:  Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:  - Insults and name-calling: “wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”  - Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery  - Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

3. Defensiveness:  Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:  - Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”  - Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said  - Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…”  - Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing  - Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying  - Whining “It’s not fair.” IV. Why is Impatience a Problem? Impatience Kills Marriages: 4 Horsemen

4. Stonewalling:  Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:  - Stony silence  - Monosyllabic mutterings  - Changing the subject  - Removing yourself physically IV. Why is Impatience a Problem? Impatience Kills Marriages: 4 Horsemen

Impatience Not Only Stunts Our Growth as Disciples, It Kills Our Marriages POINT 2:

V. How Do We Embrace Patience?  What would your marriage look like if you were an incredibly patient person? How would it be different?  Can you see how changing you – changes your marriage?  Is patience something you pursue? Work at? Develop?  If no… Why not?

V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? A. CHOOSE TO! "PUT ON" PATIENCE (COLOSSIANS 3:12) Patience is a Choice

Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? B. STOP BEING A VICTIM

Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? C. ACCEPT THE REALITY ABOUT CONTROL YOU DON’T HAVE IT!

Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? D. GROW AS A DISCIPLE BECOME MORE LIKE CHRIST… WHEN WE FOCUS ON GROWING AS A DISCIPLE, THE "FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT" IN US GROWS

A Method of Practicing Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? E. PRACTICE PATIENCE 1. Figure out what makes you impatient- pinpoint triggers- look for patterns 2. Increase awareness of it when it happens- journal it 3. Overcome “bouts” of impatience-… it passes- let go 4. See the “big picture” – things take time- what really matters? 5. Expect the unexpected

A Method of Practicing Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? E. PRACTICE PATIENCE 1. Breathe 2. Relax 3. Manage Emotions 4. Slow Down 5. Actively Listen with Empathy

Patience V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS 1. Romans 5: Patience is seen in adversity 3. How we interpret the hard times is crucial

 There are generally 2 ways we respond:  As an “Anchor”… Or a “Bobber” V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

 When crisis hits, we look for something to hold on to – to explain the crisis as it knocks us off balance  What do you define as a “storm” in life?  Who do we look to first?  Why do storms come in our lives? V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

 Why Do Storms Come?  A. Character is forged through suffering-  (Romans 5:3-5; Heb.5:8, James 1:2) God uses your marriage to forge your character God will use hard times to expose our sin, and our spouses sin  Ask god, What is being exposed here? What are you after? Notice your inner thoughts. Notice what you intend to do V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

 Why Do Storms Come?  B. There is spiritual warfare – (I Peter 5:8 ) Spiritual attack must be a category we think in, or we will not win at our marriages V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

 Why Do Storms Come?  C. We are broken people- we work to hide that truth- (Romans 3:23 )  We cannot demand the broken live as whole... God uses troubles to flush us out of hiding- Like asking the one armed girl to swim the English channel V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

 Why Do Storms Come?  D. There are “Seasons” in life… V. HOW DO WE EMBRACE PATIENCE? F. LEARN FROM STORMS

Storms Teach Us… If We Let Them POINT 3:

VI. Patience Produces Peace He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

Invite God into the center of your marriage. The result is: “ 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7. PEACE

Invite God into the center of your marriage. The result is: “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts”. Colossians 3:15 “They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.” I Peter 3:11 PEACE

Do Something Do Something: Try switching traditional roles with your spouse for a day Get in the long line- the slow lane- and wait… Practice what it means to “be still and know…” Grade each other daily on how well patience is displayed

Invite God into the center of your marriage. The result is: “ 20 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Hebrews 13:20-21 PEACE