A Simpler Way Session One From Conflict To Dilemma © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 1

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic Welcome today, the 22nd of November, and the first of two webinars on clouds and their matrices The second webinar will follow in two weeks’ time on the 6th of December © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 2

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic Today we are going to journey through “conflict” and examine the ways that we exacerbate, stagnate, and alleviate these issues Then we will progress through to 3rd person dilemma and introduce the concept of oscillation © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 3

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic In today’s presentation I also want to answer a question that was raised last year about where the mermaids and the alligators were hiding in the matrix in my treatment of the Harvard Negotiation Project’s approach to Difficult Conversations We will end up in about the same place again today, but with much better clarity and simplicity, and in a much better position to deal with the content of the second webinar © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 4

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic On the 6th of December, in part two, we will further expand our knowledge of 3rd person dilemma, how to transcend that dilemma, and how to eliminate the oscillation with a unique and systemic solution built around a senior organizing principle We will work through part two using the dieter’s dilemma from Robert Fritz and the batch sizing dilemma from Eli Goldratt © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 5

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic First, however, let’s look at a brief outline of today’s content Then we will work through a primer of sorts, just to make sure that we are all on the same page as to the structure of clouds and of matrices So, let’s start © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 6

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic First, however, let’s look at a brief outline of today’s content Then we will work through a primer of sorts, just to make sure that we are all on the same page as to the structure of clouds and of matrices So, let’s start No, one more thing: your job is to watch the screen, things will change there when you least expect. My job is to read the script, please don’t distract yourself with that © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 7

From Conflict To Dilemma Outline Primer: the cloud, the matrix, the combination of a conflict cloud and two matrices, layers of resistance, satisfaction and security Exacerbate The Conflict: miscommunication, confirmation bias, schismogenesis, feedback loops Stagnate The Conflict: the area of tolerable conflict Alleviate The Conflict: difficult conversations Dilemma: 3rd person view, transformation matrix, cloud and transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 8

From Conflict To Dilemma Outline Primer: the cloud, the matrix, the combination of a conflict cloud and two matrices, layers of resistance, satisfaction and security Exacerbate The Conflict: miscommunication, confirmation bias, schismogenesis, feedback loops Stagnate The Conflict: the area of tolerable conflict Alleviate The Conflict: difficult conversations Dilemma: 3rd person view, transformation matrix, cloud and transformation matrix And this is to remind me that conceptually things will basically break into about 1/3rd each © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 9

© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 Primer The Cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 10

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Here is the basic structure of a cloud – 5 boxes and 5 arrows more or less © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 11

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Our Want And in a conflict structure perhaps the most important box from our point of view is this one, where we place the thing that we want to occur © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 12

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Our Want Most important that is, relative to the box on the other side, where we place the thing that they want to occur © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 13

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Conflict Our Want These two entities are in conflict with one another for a number of possible reasons © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 14

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Conflict Our Want For instance they may represent opposites – such as night and day, or good and evil © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 15

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Conflict Our Want The may represent a continuum where more of one means less of the other, such as trust and distrust © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 16

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Conflict Our Want Or they might represent an admixture where more of one precludes more of the other – such as oil and water © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 17

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Want Conflict Our Need Our Want Our want arises because it meets a need that we have © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 18

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Need Their Want Conflict Our Need Our Want And of course their want arises because it too meets a need, their need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 19

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Need Their Want Conflict Our Need Our Want These two entities, these two needs, are not in conflict with one another © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 20

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want They are not in conflict with one another because they both meet, in fact are necessary for, the existence of the common objective that binds us together © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 21

From Conflict To Dilemma Needs Wants Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want And let’s state it loud and clear, that if there was no common objective, then there would be no conflict! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 22

From Conflict To Dilemma Requirements Pre-Requisites Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want Although these entities are most commonly referred to as “needs” and “wants” you will also find them referred to as “requirements” and “pre-requisites” © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 23

From Conflict To Dilemma Requirements Pre-Requisites Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want And that brings us to an interesting point: there is a hierarchy here … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 24

From Conflict To Dilemma Requirements Section Heading Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want … the “wants” are like the section headings in the chapter of a book © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 25

From Conflict To Dilemma Chapter Section Heading Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want … the “needs” are like the chapter itself – each need being a different but necessary chapter © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 26

From Conflict To Dilemma Book Chapter Section Heading Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want … and of course the common objective is the book that binds all of these entities together into one whole © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 27

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want Common Objective Our Need Our Want This hierarchy is reflected in the way that we read this cloud back, so let’s do that right now © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 28

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want We must … In order to … Common Objective Our Need Our Want In order to meet the common objective we must meet their need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 29

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want We must … In order to … Common Objective Our Need Our Want There is no “maybe” here, if the need is not met, if it is missing, then the objective too will be unmet © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 30

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want We must … In order to … Common Objective In order to … We must … Our Need Our Want Moreover, in order to meet their need, we must meet their want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 31

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want We must … In order to … Common Objective In order to … We must … Our Need Our Want We must … Looking at our side now, in order to meet the common objective, we must meet our need … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 32

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want We must … In order to … Common Objective In order to … We must … In order to … We must … Our Need Our Want We must … And in order to meet our need, we must meet our want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 33

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want Once again, it is the two wants which are in conflict © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 34

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need Their Want Common Objective Conflict Our Need Our Want If it is the commonality that brings us together, it is differences in our understanding, and sometimes differences in our values, that drive us apart © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 35

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need B D Their Want A Common Objective Conflict Our Need C Our Want D′ One last thing: you may often see the convention where the objective is referred to as “A,” the needs as “B” and “C,” and the wants as “D” and “D′ ” – D prime © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 36

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need B D Their Want A Common Objective Conflict Our Need C Our Want D′ People frequently use this shorthand so it is useful to be aware of it © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 37

From Conflict To Dilemma Their Need B D Their Want A Common Objective Conflict Our Need C Our Want D′ Now, with that brief introduction, I would like to turn our attention to the change matrix, it provides us with something that is currently missing. Let’s have a look © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 38

© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 Primer The Matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 39

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Don’t Change OK, this is a very small matrix, however it is sufficient to do the job, and I need to be able to place two of these alongside of a single cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 40

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Don’t Change It consists of two rows and two columns, the bottom row is the current reality, it records the state as it is, and as it will remain if there is no change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 41

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Don’t Change The top row is the future reality, it records the state as it could be, or maybe as it should be, and how it will unfold if there is change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 42

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Don’t Change The left-hand column contains the positive aspects of both the current state and the planned future state © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 43

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Don’t Change And the right-hand column contains the negative aspects of both the current state and the planned future state © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 44

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Change Our Proposal Issues Don’t Change Now I am going to name the negative of the current state as “issues” and I will explain the reasoning for that in a moment © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 45

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Change Our Proposal Issues Don’t Change I am going to name the positive of the future state as “outcomes,” and these two: issues and outcomes, pair as a diagonal © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 46

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change The positive of the current state is best described as the “benefits” © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 47

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Detriments Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change And the negative of the future state is best described as the “detriments” © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 48

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Detriments Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change The benefits and the detriments also pair as a diagonal © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 49

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Detriments Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change These entities are not the problem, nor are they the solution, however they are the symptomatic effects of these … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 50

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Detriments Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change … the underlying causal problem or causal solution is of a higher logical type and “lives” within the D or the D′ of the cloud … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 51

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes Detriments Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change The entities here are, if you like, the “sentences” that go under the “section heading” of the D and the D′ of the cloud. The matrix is the closest that we get to a narrative © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 52

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Now let me do one more thing, I am going to number these quadrants with the normal convention of rows and columns as an easy reference © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 53

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Pot of Gold 1 Crutches 2 Change Our Proposal Mermaid Alligator Don’t Change 3 4 And OK, this is where the alligator, the mermaid, the pot of gold, and the crutches are © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 54

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Pot of Gold 1 Crutches 2 Change Our Proposal Mermaid Alligator Don’t Change 3 4 If you are familiar with these, you will have already mapped this through in your mind. If you are unfamiliar with these, then just place them to one side © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 55

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Now, just a few more basics for us to establish right at the very start © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 56

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 A change matrix, and this is a change matrix, is “crossed.” It is about both “them” and it is about “us” even though it is for our proposal © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 57

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Think this through. Would we resist our own change? Well, not unless we are psychotic, and I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly sure that I’m not © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 58

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Would anyone else resist our proposed change? Oh yes, others would, in about a micro-second – or even less if they can see it coming © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 59

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 And that brings us to a very important point: this diagonal, our change, in the first and fourth quadrants, is about the technical or mechanical issues © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 60

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 It is about the symptomatic undesirable effects that we observe and that we wish to remove or to overcome with more positive outcomes © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 61

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Once again, it is not the solution and it is not the problem, but it is the symptomatic expression of these © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 62

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 This diagonal, in the third and second quadrant, is about the personal issues © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 63

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 It is about the preservation of the personal status quo and the avoidance of future harm, or even the perception of future harm © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 64

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 These two aspects: the mechanical or technical, and the personal, are so well described by Professor Jerry Harvey in The Abilene Paradox © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 65

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 I urge you to get a copy of that – it is a very readable paperback – and the original article was first published in 1974 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 66

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Seeing that we have gotten this far, let’s examine a few of the subtleties and the richnesses of these two concepts – the technical and the personal © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 67

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 And with apologies to Eric Trist and Fred Emery, let’s call this an encapsulation of a socio-technical system © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 68

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Once again this diagonal is the “-technical” part … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 69

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 … and this diagonal is the “socio-” part © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 70

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative -Technical 1 Socio- 2 Change Our Proposal Socio- -Technical Don’t Change 3 4 And if you look at just this side, the current reality, you can see these two components: socio- to the left and -technical to the right © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 71

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative -Technical 1 Socio- 2 Change Our Proposal Socio- -Technical Don’t Change 3 4 And on this side as well, the proposed future, we can once again see these two components: -technical to the left and -socio to the right © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 72

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Detriments 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Continuing with this side, if this is our proposal, then surely the outcomes are “our” outcomes – right? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 73

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 And if this is so, then whose are the detriments? Ours? Well let’s leave that open for a moment © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 74

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Issues Don’t Change 3 4 Looking at the other side, it is clear that the benefits are certainly “theirs” – right? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 75

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues? Don’t Change 3 4 But what of the issues? Are the issues theirs? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 76

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues? Don’t Change 3 4 Well, here is a solution to this little problem that has dogged me for quite a while © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 77

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 The fourth quadrant is actually about their issues for us. They are the unintended negative consequences of their side which impacts upon us © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 78

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments? 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 They might not even know, let alone care, about these negative issues to us, but they will certainly know and care about the positive benefits to themselves © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 79

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 Likewise, the second quadrant is actually about our detriments to them. They are the unintended negative consequences of our side which impacts upon them © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 80

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 We might not even know, let alone care, about these negative issues to them, but we will certainly know and care about the positive outcomes for ourselves © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 81

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 Now does this make more sense? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 82

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 It follows then, that even though this is our proposal, this side, the current side, is their side … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 83

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 … and therefore this side, the future side, is our side – that is, after all, the purpose of our proposal © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 84

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 Now let’s return to the diagonals once more © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 85

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 This diagonal, this view as I like to call it, is also about us: it is about their negative issues which impact upon us, and it is about our positive intent to overcome this © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 86

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 It has its head in the future and its tail in the past © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 87

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 We can replace it with an arrow of positive intent. Intent is always towards the positive and away from the negative and I will colour-code it green © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 88

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 If you like this side is “theirs,” and the diagonal or the view is “ours,” while the 4th quadrant shares common aspects of both © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 89

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 This diagonal, this view, is all about them: it is about maintaining their positive benefits and negating our negative detriments which may impact upon them © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 90

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 Again, it has its head in the future and its tail in the past © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 91

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 And we can replace it with an arrow of negative impact. Impact is always towards the negative and away from the positive and I will colour-code it red © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 92

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 This time the side is “ours,” and the diagonal or the view is “theirs,” while the 2nd quadrant shares common aspects of both © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 93

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 If we now superimpose these two arrows, then that fairly much winds-up this little exploration of the matrix. Please come back and re-explore this later © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 94

From Conflict To Dilemma Positive Negative Our Outcomes 1 Our Detriments To Them 2 Change Our Proposal Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Don’t Change 3 4 Let’s now combine this matrix with the cloud and see what happens © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 95

Conflict Cloud And Two Matrices Primer Conflict Cloud And Two Matrices © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 96

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Outcomes Their Detriments For Us And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Benefits Our Issues For Them Common Objective Change Our Outcomes Our Detriments For Them Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Now we have a cloud and two matrices, in combination © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 97

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Outcomes Their Detriments For Us And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Benefits Our Issues For Them Common Objective Change Our Outcomes Our Detriments For Them Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The cloud is exactly as we had before and the lower matrix is exactly the matrix that we have just discussed © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 98

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Outcomes Their Detriments For Us And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Benefits Our Issues For Them Common Objective Change Our Outcomes Our Detriments For Them Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Benefits Their Issues For Us Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The upper matrix is the same, but it is now reworded for the other side – they have exactly the same issues with us as we have with them; that is why there is a conflict © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 99

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Outcomes Detriments For Us And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Benefits Issues For Them Common Objective Change Our Outcomes Detriments For Them Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Benefits Issues For Us Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s clean this up a little … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 100

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and then once more. You can always come back to the fuller wording if you wish, but I hope that these concepts are now sufficiently embedded © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 101

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And, nobody teaches birds to fly, and I suspect that if you follow what I am about to show, and practice it on a conflict of your own, then you will take to the air with this © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 102

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s begin with our own proposal; the traditional starting place is with the current and negative issues that abound and that we wish to remove or to replace … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 103

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and also the future and positive outcomes where we list our replacements, or in fact, our completely new entities that we wish to gain © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 104

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Losing a negative or gaining a positive are both positive intent, and these two entities feed into the assumptions on our side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 105

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Looking at their proposal; we have our own current and positive benefits that we do not wish to lose or have removed or replaced … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 106

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and we have future and negative detriments which contain completely new entities for us that we do not wish to gain © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 107

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Avoiding the impact of the loss of a positive or the gain of a negative are both positive intent, and these two entities also feed into the assumptions on our side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 108

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let me reiterate that although the impact of their proposal upon us is negative, our intent to avoid this is positive © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 109

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us What then of the other side of the cloud? What of their side? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 110

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Looking at their proposal; they start with the current and negative issues that abound and that they wish to remove or to replace … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 111

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and also the future and positive outcomes that they desire either as replacements or in fact completely new entities that they wish to gain © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 112

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Losing a negative or gaining a positive are both positive intent, and these two entities feed into the assumptions on their side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 113

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Looking at our proposal; they have current and positive benefits that they don’t wish to lose or have removed or replaced … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 114

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and they have future and negative detriments which contain completely new entities for them that they do not wish to gain © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 115

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Avoiding the impact of the loss of a positive or the gain of a negative are both positive intent, and these two entities also feed into the assumptions on their side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 116

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Again, although the impact of our proposal upon them is negative, their intent to avoid this is positive © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 117

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us So, we have eight entities within the matrices, four are assigned to each side of the cloud, and they are expressed in two basic forms … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 118

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and those two basic forms come with one simple rule … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 119

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … the assumptions on any one side of a cloud consist of the positives of that side and the negatives of the other side – and that’s all there is to it © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 120

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Each side wishes to enact their positive intent and to avoid the negative impact of the other side. The cloud and the matrices are profoundly positive devices © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 121

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us We can see why a conflict can become so embedded: not because of people’s negativity, but because of their positivity! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 122

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Now, let’s be clear, I am not suggesting that we have to put the matrices along with the cloud – you might like to simply have the assumptions written out as is … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 123

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … but I suspect that you will write very much better assumptions with this structure in place and that is the real point © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 124

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Making all of these things explicit in this graphical form, presented on one page, in open dialogue, leads to making this a much simpler way © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 125

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Now that we have this structure in place, let’s next examine how the layers of resistance relate to this © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 126

© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 Primer Layers of Resistance © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 127

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s map in the layers of resistance, the layers of understanding, starting with our side … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 128

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … well, actually, this is my bad habit to start on our side with their resistance to us, so let’s whoa-up a bit, and restart again on their side, and build some rapport first © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 129

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues 1 Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The first layer of resistance is about our lack of understanding of the problem as seen from their point of view … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 130

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues 1 Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … even though, maybe even more so, if it is about the interpretation of a common set of data or observations or experiences … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 131

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues 1 Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we may well agree on the symptomatic expressions, the issues, but fail to agree on the underlying cause © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 132

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes 2 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The second layer of resistance is about our lack of understanding of their solution, again from their point of view … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 133

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes 2 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and once again, the more so that the solution has elements of paradigm or change of mind-set, we simply might not have the experience yet to grasp that © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 134

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes 2 3-4 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues 1 Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us However, once we do have that grasp, the third and fourth layers are about our reservations to their solution and the obstacles that we can see that they cannot © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 135

From Conflict To Dilemma Change 2 Outcomes 3-4 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 1 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And finally the fifth layer – our own unverbalized fear – is the one place we ought not to reach if, in fact, we do understand the process that we are carrying out © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 136

From Conflict To Dilemma Change 2 Outcomes 3-4 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 1 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us OK, let’s now go back to our side. Our interpretation of the problem from our point of view will give rise to resistance in them and we need to be aware of this … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 137

From Conflict To Dilemma Change 2 Outcomes 3-4 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 1 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and we ought not to race ahead of them until we are sure that they are with us © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 138

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes 2 Detriments 3-4 And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues 1 Common Objective Change 2 Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Our apparent insistence upon our preferred solution will also give rise to resistance and we need to be aware of this too … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 139

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes 2 Detriments 3-4 And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues 1 Common Objective Change 2 Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … especially if our solution has elements of a different way of thinking embedded within it; if it is “counterintuitive” we need to use trials and build their tacit experience © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 140

From Conflict To Dilemma Change 2 Outcomes 3-4 Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits 1 Issues Common Objective Change 2 Outcomes 3-4 Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits 1 Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and so through the other three layers as well © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 141

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us One more thought … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 142

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The fifth layer is also the “first.” It is about people’s sense of identity, everyone’s expertise and past experience, everyone’s standing amongst their peers … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 143

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and also their standing amongst strangers too © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 144

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us It is much better to acknowledge this up-front and to bring it into the discussion early on, the sooner the better – that way the fifth layer will lose its silence © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 145

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The dynamics of why and how it is that the fifth layer can also be the first, will become clear in the second webinar when we look at oscillation within a dilemma © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 146

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits 5 Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change 5 Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s now look at a closely related issue; satisfaction and security © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 147

Satisfaction And Security Primer Satisfaction And Security © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 148

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us I just want to touch, in passing, on the relationship between security and satisfaction; it follows on naturally enough from the layers of resistance … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 149

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and we will return to this aspect more fully in the second webinar as we discuss dilemmas and oscillation © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 150

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Looking at the lower matrix first, our issues with the current state of affairs represents our dissatisfaction … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 151

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and our intended outcomes in the near future represent our satisfaction © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 152

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us On the other hand, the detriments in our proposal represent the insecurity that the other side perceives from our proposed change … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 153

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and the benefits represent the current security that the other side obtains from the status quo © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 154

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Our proposal is about our dissatisfaction and satisfaction and it is about their insecurity and security © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 155

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And for their proposal it is simply reversed … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 156

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The issues are about their dissatisfaction with not changing and the outcomes are about their satisfaction with changing © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 157

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us The detriments from their change are now our insecurity and the benefits of not changing are, of course, our security © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 158

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us It is from the dynamics of these four quadrants within these two matrices that determines whether we can exacerbate, stagnate, or alleviate the conflict … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 159

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and also how we can raise it from a conflict to a dilemma and thereafter transcend it as a systemic cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 160

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s now look at these, starting with how we might exacerbate a conflict © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 161

Exacerbating The Conflict Miscommunication © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 162

From Conflict To Dilemma In the Satellite Series first broadcast in 2001, Eli Goldratt used an emotion to illustrate that the Thinking Processes, and logical cause and effect, could be used to map such an intangible thing. The emotion that he used was pride of the inventor and the miscommunication that arises from such a state. I have often referred back to this sequence and used the video. Except that he did it as a one-sided argument, didactically, as maybe a teacher or a student would experience. This sequence has always intrigued me and we can encapsulate it here. Moreover, we can do it for both sides and show how much more difficult it can be to effectively communicate when we are both enamoured with our own side and blind to some of the aspects of the other side. (See TOC on Managing People – Self Learning Program 7 pp 159-160 for detailed CCRT) © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 163

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Miscommunication arises from pride of the inventor.  We are justifiably enamoured with our idea, with our invention, with our way forward … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 164

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … so much so, that in our proposal we do not see the possible negative ramifications. In fact, we are blind to them © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 165

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us But of course the other side, being more sceptical is not so blind, and instead of receiving the praise that we expected, we get heart-felt criticism!  © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 166

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Equally, we are slow to praise the other side for their suggestion … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 167

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and we are quick to criticise the perceived shortcomings! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 168

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And so, each side is easily at loggerheads with the other – simply over each side’s positive intent © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 169

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us To paraphrase Eli Goldratt: what beautiful human relationships © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 170

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us In the miscommunication, we are slow to praise and we are quick to criticise, because our attention is on our own positives and on their negatives © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 171

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Moreover, as if that were not enough, there is also a powerful confirmation bias afoot which intensifies this situation, let’s have a look © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 172

Exacerbating The Conflict Confirmation Bias © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 173

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Not only do we recognise their negative impact upon us, the impact’s existence also reconfirms in our own mind … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 174

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … the necessity of the positive solution that we wish to embark upon © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 175

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … the assumptions of the lower arm of the cloud are self-referential – they have a self-serving confirmation bias © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 176

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Ask yourself: how can we be sceptical of the thing that we have a passion for? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 177

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And vice versa … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 178

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … their perception of our negative impact upon them … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 179

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … only reconfirms in their mind the positive solution that they wish to embark upon © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 180

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … the assumptions of the upper arm of the cloud are also self-referential – they too have a self-serving confirmation bias © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 181

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us This is simply a restatement of our initial exploration of the assumptions, but here the presence of the other side’s impact redoubles our own intent © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 182

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Miscommunication and confirmation bias, together, form a powerful combination. Let’s now turn our attention to this © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 183

Exacerbating The Conflict Schismogenesis © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 184

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Gregory Bateson coined a term – “schismogenesis” © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 185

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us A schism is “a division between strongly opposed parties, caused by difference in opinion or belief” … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 186

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us I always think that a schism must be like a physical chasm, two sides separated by a precipitous drop, with a bottom somewhere near infinity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 187

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (1) When we propose something or say something or do something we may cause harm or even just the perception of harm to the other side … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 188

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (2) We might be blind to this, but they will not be … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 189

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (3) And they may respond and modify their own intent accordingly … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 190

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (4) Which may do nothing more than exacerbate our own perceptions of their negative impact upon us … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 191

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (5) Leading us back in a “figure-of-8” to the first step for the second time! This is exactly how things go schismogenic © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 192

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Now, Karl Buckridge has often said to me that there is “a kind of a thing” where if you fail to address the issues on one side of the cloud … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 193

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … then it “sort of loops over the back” and comes around to the other side to bite you on the derriere © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 194

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us I can now draw this looping structure into the cloud, and it is very powerful © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 195

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s have a look at this underlying feedback structure © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 196

Exacerbating The Conflict Feedback Loops © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 197

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (1) This is our intent once again – and the associated loop is now drawn within the assumptions to the right © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 198

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (2) And our intent feeds in as a negative impact which creates a new loop over to the other side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 199

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (3) Which leads them to modify their own intent accordingly © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 200

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (4) Which in-turn feeds back into our own perception of their negative impact upon us and loops back over to our side of the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 201

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us (5) And that leads us back into where we started and a new modification of our original intent © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 202

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us I think that I have found Karl’s loop, I think that this is exactly the “kind of a thing” that he meant © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 203

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Around and around we can go, in a beautiful positive or amplifying feedback or reinforcement loop, worse and worse, the conflict intensifies and the gap widens © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 204

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us This is how a conflict can go schismogenic! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 205

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us When one side can “up the ante” the conflict will exacerbate … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 206

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … however, when the other side can increase their resistance the conflict will stagnate, and it is to this that we must now turn our attention © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 207

The Area of Tolerable Conflict Conflict Stagnation The Area of Tolerable Conflict © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 208

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Yes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us In 1981, Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton wrote about Getting To Yes, and this is the “yes” that they were trying to get to © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 209

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us But there was a bit of problem, and it is called No, so a decade later William Ury wrote about Getting Past No, and this is the “no” that he was trying to get past © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 210

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And don’t worry it can happen to both matrices … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 211

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and to both sides of each matrix as well © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 212

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us When either side embarks upon positive intent, moving away from the “no” of their own diagonal towards the “yes” … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 213

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … then there is often a perceived negative impact within the other diagonal and “No!” is a very likely to be the first response … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 214

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … followed by active intent back towards the status quo © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 215

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Consequently, we limit the extent of the interaction to something that Robert Fritz calls “an area of tolerable conflict” ... © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 216

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Yes No And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Common Objective Change Yes No Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Yes No Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and the conflict stagnates there – in fact that is the whole point of the matter – ensuring stagnation © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 217

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us If we substitute our satisfaction and security model into this, it will become even more clear © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 218

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Robert Fritz describes each diagonal as a tension-resolution pair; and we have a pair of pairs in each matrix here © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 219

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us As you can guess, they are intimately related to the feedback loop that we have just seen, and they mirror the jeopardies in the cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 220

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Moreover, we can actively manipulate this structure, and most often we do, often automatically, and therefore without conscious thought © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 221

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Having now exposed these tension-resolution pairs, I want to put them to one side. To be aware of them is sufficient for the moment … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 222

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … however they underlie all conflict, dilemma, and transcendent structures and we will examine them and their impact in much greater detail in the following webinar © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 223

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Their Satisfaction Our Insecurity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Our Security Their Dissatisfaction Common Objective Change Our Satisfaction Their Insecurity Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Their Security Our Dissatisfaction Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s now turn our attention to de-escalating this conflict, let’s turn our attention to alleviating this conflict using the methodology of Difficult Conversations © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 224

Alleviating The Conflict Difficult Conversations © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 225

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us In 1999 Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen wrote Difficult Conversations, a lineal descendent of Getting To Yes and Getting Past No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 226

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us We addressed this in detail in last year’s webinar, but I want to recapitulate on how it enables us to identify and address erroneous assumptions © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 227

From Conflict To Dilemma Change ??? Detriments ??? ??? ??? Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits ??? Common Objective Change Outcomes ??? Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change ??? Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Remember that there is a great deal that we may think that we know about the other side, but in fact we may not really know at all … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 228

From Conflict To Dilemma Change ??? Detriments ??? ??? ??? Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits ??? Common Objective Change Outcomes ??? Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change ??? Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we may not know their want … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 229

From Conflict To Dilemma Change ??? Detriments ??? ??? ??? Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits ??? Common Objective Change Outcomes ??? Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change ??? Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we may not know their need … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 230

From Conflict To Dilemma Change ??? Detriments ??? ??? ??? Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits ??? Common Objective Change Outcomes ??? Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change ??? Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we may not know their issues and outcomes as they see them, in other words their intent … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 231

From Conflict To Dilemma Change ??? Detriments ??? ??? ??? Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits ??? Common Objective Change Outcomes ??? Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change ??? Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and we almost certainly won’t understand the impact of our own intent upon them © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 232

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Detriments Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Blame Common Objective Change Outcomes Blame Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And you know what we will do about it, don’t you, we will assign blame towards them for many of these things © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 233

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Detriments Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Blame Common Objective Change Outcomes Blame Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Without much, if any, consideration for our own contribution to this situation © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 234

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Detriments Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Blame Common Objective Change Outcomes Blame Our Need Contribution Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us We won’t consider the contribution from our own want … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 235

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Detriments Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Blame Common Objective Change Outcomes Blame Contribution Contribution Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we won’t consider the contribution from our own need … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 236

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Detriments Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Blame Common Objective Change Outcomes Blame Contribution Contribution Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Issues Contribution - Because of our positive intent Contribution - And to avoid their negative impact upon us … we won’t consider the contribution from our own assumptions … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 237

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Blame Contribution Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Blame Their Proposal Don’t Change Contribution Blame Common Objective Change Contribution Blame Contribution Contribution Our Proposal Don’t Change Blame Contribution Contribution - Because of our positive intent Contribution - And to avoid their negative impact upon us … nor the intent and the impact from which these are derived © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 238

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Contribution Blame Contribution - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Contribution - Because of their positive intent Contribution Contribution Their Proposal Don’t Change Blame Contribution Common Objective Change Blame Contribution Blame Blame Our Proposal Don’t Change Contribution Blame Blame - Because of our positive intent Blame - And to avoid their negative impact upon us Just about the only consolation in this whole affair is that we could swap all of these entities around for the other side as well © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 239

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Facts Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Facts Common Objective Change Facts Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Facts Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us You may recall that in Difficult Conversations we need to address the facts, and these are predominantly found within the issues and the outcomes – of both sides © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 240

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Feelings And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Feelings Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Feelings Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Feelings Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us We also need to address feelings, and these are predominantly found within the benefits and potential detriments – and once again, of both sides © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 241

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us This is very much a part of the narrative that we must seek to extract, to verbalize, and to understand © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 242

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Sense of Identity Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And as I have suggested before, our sense of identity which underlies this narrative is in the “A,” the common objective because, in fact, it is everywhere © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 243

From Conflict To Dilemma Change More money manpower machinery Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Sense of Identity Change More money manpower machinery Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us And most often our sense of identity will revolve around wanting more: more money, more manpower, more machinery, in order to do the job at hand … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 244

From Conflict To Dilemma Change More money manpower machinery Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Sense of Identity Change More money manpower machinery Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and as no one has ever argued for less, then probably more management as well! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 245

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Remember that whenever the conversation goes negative, use contrasting … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 246

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … point out that it is not the negative impact that we intend … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 247

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … but rather it is the positive intent that we seek © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 248

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Sure, their solution is indeed our problem, and so too our solution is indeed their problem, but the intent on both sides is for that of a positive solution © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 249

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us However, when we are stuck as a 1st or 2nd person participant in a conflict, it is still sometimes extremely difficult to extract ourselves from this position … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 250

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us … and that brings us to the next step in Difficult Conversations and indeed also the next step in our overall process © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 251

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Moving to a 3rd person view is often the next step to resolution because the 3rd person can see beyond the immediate participants © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 252

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Let’s now turn our attention to the 3rd person and dilemma © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 253

© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 Dilemma 3rd Person View © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 254

From Conflict To Dilemma Here are two books that I didn’t read in February 2008 and in August 2009. I did get to read both of them earlier this year and regret having put them aside for so long. Read the second one first, it’s easier that way. There are several very important themes in these two books, and a great deal of hope; we shouldn’t judge the future by our past … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 255

From Conflict To Dilemma In particular, it was the role of 3rd parties in avoiding conflict that was an unexpected, and for me, a timely finding. “When no third party exists to adjudicate disputes over marriage arrangements, personal injuries, trade, territory, and other economic concerns, or when the mediators that do exist cannot enforce their decisions on the recalcitrant, disputants regularly resort to violent self-help. Peace is unavoidably rare in settings where no institutions have the moral authority and physical power to maintain it by compelling restitution or retribution for injuries, imposing resolutions to disputes, and ensuring the survival of component social units. Any peace lacking powerful institutions to uphold it usually amounts to little more than a prolonged truce. As anthropologist Marvin Harris put it: ‘Primitive peoples go to war because they lack alternative solutions to certain problems - alternative solutions that would involve less suffering and fewer premature deaths.’” Keeley, pp 160-161 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 256

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Need Their Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments Our Need Our Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Even though our situation isn’t nearly so dire, sometimes without a 3rd person view we too are trapped, so how does a 3rd person, an “outsider,” see things? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 257

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Well, first, I need to change the labels a little, and let’s do the cloud first, let’s change “our” side and “their” side to the “first” side and the “second” side … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 258

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Second Side’s Outcomes Second Side’s Detriments To First And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want Another Proposal Don’t Change First Side’s Benefits First Side’s Issues For Second Common Objective Change First Side’s Outcomes First Side’s Detriments To Second First Side’s Need First Side’s Want A Proposal Don’t Change Second Side’s Benefits Second Side’s Issues For First Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side … and the matrix second, except that this is a little bit busy, so let’s clean it up a bit © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 259

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want Another Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For First Issues For Second Common Objective Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Need First Side’s Want A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Now it should look a little more familiar, you can always come back and do a reality check on it later on © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 260

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want Another Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For First Issues For Second Common Objective Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Need First Side’s Want A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side And now let’s examine these matrices in a little more detail in isolation and then we will recombine the outcome with the dilemma cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 261

Transformation Matrix Dilemma Transformation Matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 262

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second One State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Here we have our two change matrices on the left and a new “transformation” matrix on the right, and I’m hinting that this new entity is going to be a dilemma © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 263

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second One State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First I want to now “fold-up” – step by step – the two change matrices on the left into the one “transformation” matrix on the right © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 264

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second One State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First And, trust me, there is method in my madness © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 265

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second One State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Let’s start with the lower matrix and the first side’s positive intent: the loss of the negative issues and gain of the positive outcomes … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 266

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second One State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First … this is kind of my “navigational home base” … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 267

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First … and I am going to place this in the upper-left positive quadrant of the new transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 268

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent One State’s Negatives Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Next we look at the potential loss of positive benefits and the gain of negative detriments, both of which are a negative impact to be avoided … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 269

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First … and I am going to place these in the upper-right negative quadrant of the new transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 270

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Another State’s Positives Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Changing over to the upper matrix, let’s look at the second side’s positive intent: the loss of the negative issues and gain of the positive outcomes … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 271

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First … and I am going to place this in the lower-left positive quadrant of the new transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 272

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Another State’s Negatives Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Finally, we look at the potential loss of positive benefits and gain of the negative detriments, both of which are a negative impact to be avoided … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 273

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Second Side’s Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First … and we place this in the lower-right negative quadrant of the new transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 274

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Second Side’s Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Now we have a completed transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 275

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First And let’s clean it up a little, and hopefully those same old diagonals will be apparent to you in this new “folded” structure © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 276

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First These structures are nothing, if not recursive! © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 277

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Now, this is the matrix that people asked where the mermaids and the alligators were in last year’s webinar … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 278

From Conflict To Dilemma One State Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Impact On Second Side Another Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For First Issues For Second Second Side’s Intent One State Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Intent A Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For Second Issues For First Impact On First Side … except that I had split this transformation matrix out into two halves to get an “arrowhead” shape and this is exactly how it was presented © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 279

From Conflict To Dilemma One State Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Impact On Second Side Another Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For First Issues For Second Second Side’s Intent One State Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Intent A Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For Second Issues For First Impact On First Side Go back and check, you will see that it is totally consistent © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 280

From Conflict To Dilemma One State Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Impact On Second Side Another Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For First Issues For Second Second Side’s Intent One State Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Intent A Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For Second Issues For First Impact On First Side Maybe you can see now that the mermaids, the alligators, and our other friends are folded up, two to a quadrant, eight in all © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 281

From Conflict To Dilemma One State Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Impact On Second Side Another Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For First Issues For Second Second Side’s Intent One State Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Intent A Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For Second Issues For First Impact On First Side And let me reiterate here; that Harvard Negotiation Project’s Difficult Conversations, and Theory of Constraints, our layers of resistance, our security and satisfaction … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 282

From Conflict To Dilemma One State Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Impact On Second Side Another Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For First Issues For Second Second Side’s Intent One State Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second First Side’s Intent A Proposal Dilemma Don’t Change Another State Benefits For Second Issues For First Impact On First Side … and Professor Jerry Harvey’s The Abilene Paradox, and Robert Fritz’ The Path of Least Resistance all have a magnificent consistency between them © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 283

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Now let’s fold things back again into one matrix; we have two change matrices for a conflict on the left, and we have one transformation matrix for a dilemma on the right © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 284

From Conflict To Dilemma Now, in the words of the cartoonist Sydney Harris … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 285

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes For Second Detriments For First Another Proposal Don’t Change One State Benefits For First Issues For Second First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side Change Outcomes For First Detriments For Second A Proposal Don’t Change Benefits For Second Issues For First Well, sorry, not true, it is of practical use. In fact it must be used, if we are to depict a cloud and a matrix as a dilemma. Let’s have a look © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 286

Cloud & Transformation Matrix Dilemma Cloud & Transformation Matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 287

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Here we have our new transformation matrix and our old dilemma cloud © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 288

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side We have a tension-resolution system that moves from the negatives: the impact of the second side, towards the positives: the intent of the first side © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 289

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side And we have a tension-resolution system that moves from the negatives: the impact of the first side, towards the positives: the intent of the second side © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 290

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side And this is the critical difference … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 291

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side … in a dilemma we oscillate backwards and forwards, seeking to secure the positives from both sides while wishing to avoid the negatives of either side © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 292

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side And do you see it? For an outsider, for a 3rd person, one who has not bought into either side, a dilemma is a logical “AND” argument … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 293

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side … we want one side AND we want the other side too © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 294

From Conflict To Dilemma Change Outcomes Detriments And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want Their Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Common Objective Change Outcomes Detriments First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Our Proposal Don’t Change Benefits Issues Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side It is not a conflict, it is not a logical “OR” argument, where each side is interested only in maintaining their own side and not in maintaining both sides © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 295

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side A dilemma is of a higher logical type than a conflict, and that is why we can, indeed why we must, fold the two change matrices into one transformation matrix © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 296

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side So, let us ask once again, is there a way out? © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 297

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Sure there is, we are much more likely to identify and remove erroneous assumptions in 3rd person than we ever were as 1st or 2nd person … © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 298

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side … but if we can’t, then ultimately we may have to transcend this current structure, and that is the subject of the second webinar © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 299

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Raising a conflict to a dilemma and knowing the mechanics of how to do so is a very important step forward in our quest © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 300

From Conflict To Dilemma And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Second Side’s Need Second Side’s Want One State First Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Common Objective Dilemma Another State Second Side’s Intent Impact On First Side First Side’s Need First Side’s Want Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Let’s summarize © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 301

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic We have journeyed from an examination of the cloud and of the matrix to a combination that represents a conflict We have shown where the layers of resistance are and also where satisfaction and security ought to be found in this two-matrix layout © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 302

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic We have shown how we can exacerbate such a conflict through miscommunication and confirmation bias which leads through to schismogenesis, and an understanding of the underlying feedback loops We have shown how a conflict stagnates to within an area of tolerable conflict We have shown how to alleviate a conflict through the examination of erroneous assumptions principally through the concept of Difficult Conversations © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 303

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic Finally, we have shown how to move from the logical “OR” of a conflict to the logical “AND” of a dilemma We have shown that a different and necessary transformation matrix is required for this higher logical type and where the mermaids and other entities are located © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 304

From Conflict To Dilemma Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate Oscillate Eliminate Conflict Dilemma Transcendence Dialectic Didactic In the next webinar we will continue this journey and more fully examine the role of oscillation in dilemmas, and then learn how to transcend the dilemma and eliminate the oscillation with a unique and systemic solution built around a senior organizing principle Thank you very much and please join me again on the 6th December © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 305

End Website: www.dbrmfg.co.nz E mail: youngman “at” dbrmfg.co.nz © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 2014 306