0 Conflict as a Positive Force: Deepening the Conversation

1 Turning Positive Conflict into Collaboration with Carl D. Moore, Esq.

2 Conflict as a Positive Force in the Workplace Review of Previous Course

3 Conflict As A Positive Force in the Workplace The MSPB 2007 Report to the President and Congress said – “[W]e believe that strengthening the trust, and therefore the working relationship, between employees and their supervisors is likely to be the most effective strategy for increasing an agency’s ability to accomplish its mission.” MSPB 2007 Study

4 Conflict As A Positive Force in the Workplace OBJECTIVE: Learn skills to build trust & strengthen employee’s ability to resolve conflict.

5 Trust Building Skills When it comes to conflict, we may not turn you into Superman or Superwoman, but – You will be A.B.L.E. to leap tall conflicts in a single bound!

6 Trust Building Skills A ware of “high stakes” moments & what is happening biologically & psychologically. B ehavior – my behavior counts & monitoring my behavioral response to “high stakes” moments is important. L earn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes” moments. E xplore the “Other’s” “Story” to truly understand the source of the conflict.

Conflict as a Positive Force What are “high stakes” moments? Just a term for “emotionally tense disagreements” Skill #1: Aware of “high stakes” moments

When we feel under attack in a conversation or in a relationship, the two forms our response take are... A ware of “high stakes” moments The term that describes this is... ight light! F or F

A ware of “high stakes” moments Modern “fight or flight” “fight” = “flight” = When “aggression or regression” happen, people do not feel SAFE! Sarcasm Cynicism Ridicule Abuse Silence Frozen Aggression Regression

Conflict as a Positive Force 2. What is happening biologically during fight or flight; aggression or regression? Blood flow is going to your “amygdale”! A ware of what is happening “biologically” The cortex is denied blood supply!

Biologically Blood flow is being redirected! My brain is literally dumbing me down! Conflict as a Positive Force

3. What is happening psychologically all the time? “My Story” is running all the time? A ware of what is happening “psychologically” Conflict as a Positive Force

Event Something happens or there is an experience. (video camera) Facts I select facts from the event or the experience. Story I add meaning. I make assumptions. I draw conclusions. I tap into my beliefs! Reaction I react emotionally! My “Story” takes over! A ware of what is happening “psychologically”

14 “My Story” – Psychological Road Rage!!

15 “My Story” – Psychological Mother with opinionated teenage daughter!!

16 Trust Building Skills A ware of “high stakes” moments & what is happening biologically & psychologically. B ehavior – my behavior counts & monitoring my behavioral response to “high stakes” moments is important.

17 Trust Building Skills Skill #2: Behavior my behavior counts & monitoring my response to “high stakes” moments is important. 1. Be aware when I am engaging emotionally 2. Consciously slow down my response when emotions begin to engage (Thomas Jefferson). 3. Create a new behavioral pattern (continuous loop video).

18 Trust Building Skills Skill #2: Behavior my behavior counts & monitoring my response to “high stakes” moments is important. EXERCISE Techniques for keeping myself “SAFE” and the blood flow going in the right direction

19 Trust Building Skills A ware of “high stakes” moments & what is happening biologically & psychologically. B ehavior – my behavior counts & monitoring my behavioral response to “high stakes” moments is important. L earn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes” moments.

20 Trust Building Skills Skill #3:Learn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes moments.” Exercise: Brainstorm new “safety creating words, tone, body language” and identify a powerful positive emotion to reinforce these words, tone and body language. This is particularly important to STOP the FLOODING! Words Tone Body Language

21 Trust Building Skills Skill #3:Learn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes” moments. Key to changing an automatic behavioral reaction Your “old” reaction is a continuous loop video Create a “new” video & run it a few minutes daily

22 Trust Building Skills A ware of “high stakes” moments & what is happening biologically & psychologically. B ehavior – my behavior counts & monitoring my behavioral response to “high stakes” moments is important. L earn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes” moments. E xplore the “Other’s” “Story” to truly understand the source of the conflict.

23 Trust Building Skills Skill #4: Explore the “Other’s” “Story” to truly understand the source of the conflict. Skill # 2 serves one purpose:  Manage my own reaction Skill # 3 serves one purpose:  Stop the flooding for the “Other” Skill # 4 answers the questions:  I stopped the flooding. Now what?  I anticipate a “high stakes” conversation. Now what? The answer: Explore the “Other’s” Story with Active or Reflective Listening or Mirroring

24 ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS 1. Listen; just listen 2. Ask clarifying questions or paraphrase 3. When you paraphrase, ask if you got it right 4. When the other has finished, then it is my turn

Explore the Other’s “Story” Tap into a hardwired skill: EMPATHY Empathy is hardwired into humans Empathic listening is centered on the other Empathy allows us to connect and even care for one another

Explore the Other’s “Story” EMPATHY Empathy – the capacity to understand and respond to the unique experience of another. Empathy requires practice to fully develop.

Explore the Other’s “Story” EMPATHY The challenges: “Amygdale Hi-Jacking” and my “Story” process

Explore the Other’s “Story” EMPATHY 1. Imagine listening to your best friend Tools to engage empathy more effectively 2. Interpersonal Relationship Account (IRA) 3. Short positive diary entries for 5 days

29 Empathy Exercise Create small groups of 3 or 4 and number off

30 Trust Building Skills From Positive Conflict to Collaboration Case Study #1 Feedback on a draft report

31 REVIEW Aware of “high stakes” moments & what is happening biologically & psychologically. Behavior – my behavior counts & monitoring my response to “high stakes” moments is important. Learn a new behavioral reaction to “high stakes” moments. Explore the “Other’s” “Story” to truly understand the source of the conflict.

32 Trust Building Skills References Alfano, Adele & Scott, Kathy, Editors (2008), Awakening the Workplace: Achieving Connection, Fulfillment and Success at Work, Vol. 3., Experts Who Speak Books (available at Ciaramicoli, Arthur P. & Ketcham, Katherine (2000). The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide, Penguin Group. Fisher, R., Ury, W. & Patton, B. (1991). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Penguin Books. Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Three Rivers Press. Levine, Stewart (1998). Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration (top 30 business book of 1998).

33 Trust Building Skills Moore, Carl D., (2009). TRUST: Short-Circuit the Hardwiring, FUZE Publishing, LLC, Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, McGraw-Hill. Stone, D., Patton, B. & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. (The Harvard Negotiation Project), Viking. Ury, W. (1991). Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People, Bantam Books. Wiseman, Richard (2009). 59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot, Knopf