Communication in Marriage Grant Stenzel, MS LCPC Stenzel Clinical Services, Ltd.

Be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry ~ James 1:19b

Arguing just doesn’t work

Trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result What is the definition of insanity?

Quick to Listen Reflective Listening Validating A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Role play: 1. Husband comes in late, wife complains that he is always late. Husband validate and reflect. 2. Wife starts nit-picking everything the husband does, husband asks for it to stop. Wife validate and reflect

Slow to Speak Positive assertive communication He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:18-19

Positive assertive communication I feel _____ (emotion) when you _____ (behavior) could you_____? (different behavior) Example I feel sad when you come home and go straight for the computer, I would like it if when you came in you sought me out first.

Role play: 1. Wife you are upset that your husband never compliments you, and always criticizes you. Use positive assertive communication. Husband reflect back. 2. Husband you are upset that your wife has been very cold lately and not very affectionate. Now that you think of it, she has never been affectionate. Use positive assertive communication. Wife reflect back.

Slow to Become Angry Choosing our thoughts Manage your expectations A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Proverbs 12:16

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit.” “The poison of vipers is on their lips.” “Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.” “There is no fear of God before their eyes.”… …for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. ~ Romans 3:10-18, 23 Theology Lesson

You spouse is going to sin. Your spouse is going to sin against you. Your spouse is going to let you down. Your spouse is not going to meet your expectations. Your spouse is not going to fulfill you. Your spouse is going to have a bad day Your spouse is going to get moody Your spouse is going to say mean things to you Your spouse is not going to meet all of your desires News Flash If you are surprised when your spouse sins, you have bad theology!

Thou shalt not: 1.No name calling 2.No yelling 3.No going off topic 4.No use of the words: “never,” “always,” 5.No sarcasm 6.No mind reading, do not tell the other person their motive or what they were thinking 7.No use of intimidation, threats or violence 8.No starting a sentence with “you” 9.No explaining why, it doesn’t really matter 10.No “one upping” 11.No minimizing your spouse’s emotions 12.No attacking your spouse’s character 13.No responding to a complaint with your own complaint 14.No repeating over and over the same thing 15.No generalizing 16.No eye rolling 17.No assuming they are trying to hurt you

Thou shall: 1.Listen (earn the right to be heard) 2.Call a time-out when things are escalating, there is yelling or you are getting nowhere 3.Come back in 1 hour after the time-out 4.Be honest 5.Apologize for what you have done wrong 6.Validate 7.Use reflective listening Start sentences with I 8.Use positive assertive communication 9.Validate emotions 10.Point out behaviors that you are unhappy with 11.Be specific 12.Remember you love this person and they love you 13.Remember your spouse is not perfect and to expecting them to be is ludicrous 14.Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated 15.Give the same grace you would like to receive

Recommended Books Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrich The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman Proverbs

Table Questions What was conflict like in your home growing up? How was it different from your spouse’s? Do you tend to fight or flight during conflict? What are some verses you and your spouse can memorize together that will help in the area of communication? Which of the commands will be hardest for you? If things start getting rough, what is your plan?