How Will I know? Relationships with Potential for Permanent Partnership Babs Quincy Westminster College Counseling Services Feb 14, 2012

Overview Myths Evaluate your Relationship Relationship Destroyers Healthy Relationships Necessary Conversations The Secret ! Random Thoughts Q and A

Typical Myths You can’t be happy if you are alone. There is only one right person for you. You will always feel in love. You won’t fight or argue. Being in love is a good enough reason to marry

Myths, Cont. If the relationship is right, there won’t be problems You will always feel close He/she cannot read your mind It’s up to your partner to make you happy

Evaluate Your Relationship How does your relationship affect your life?

In School How does this person encourage me? Have my grades improved or fallen? Have I missed class because of this person? Have I limited my activities so I can spend time with this person?

At Work Have I ever missed work because of this person? Has this person ever come to my place of work to check up on me or embarrass me? Does this person give me any support in my career?

My Physical Health Have I had any physical injuries due to a fight with this individual? Have I gained or lost weight? Have I contracted any sexually transmitted diseases from this person? Have I become physically upset because of confrontation with this individual? Have I been coerced into having sex? Have I had any unplanned pregnancy from this relationship?

Use of Drugs & Alcohol Have I increased my use of alcohol and/or drugs, in this relationship? Has this person pressured me into using? Do I drink or use to feel more comfortable around this person/friends?

My Family and Friendship s How do my family and friends feel about this person? How does this person feel about them? Have I grown apart from family and friends since forming this relationship? Does this person ever act jealous of my family/friends? Do I lie to my family and friends to cover up for this person? Do we spend time separately with others we know?

My Emotional Health Do I feel better or worse about myself since entering this relationship? Am I more stressed, anxious, or depressed? Do I have trouble sleeping?

Ability to Function Independently Do I have control over my own money? Have I become dependent on this person for my living arrangements? Do I feel that I just couldn’t make it on my own without this person?

Bottom Line: Your life should be larger and better because of this relationship not in spite of this relationship.

Relationship Destroyers Emotional abuse: contempt, ridicule, defensiveness, criticism Physical abuse Sexual abuse Lying Cheating Addictions Control and power over Self centeredness Overly involved (hovering) Indifference

A Balancing Act Healthy relationships maintain a balance between the individuals involved in the relationship.

A Balancing Act me you us

A Balancing Act If the relationship is all about ME, then I am focusing on getting my needs met and expect you to make my needs your priority as well—and your needs suffer. me you

A Balancing Act If the relationship is all about YOU, then I am focusing on getting your needs met at the expense of my own. you me

A Balancing Act If the relationship is all about US, then we are both so focused on the relationship that we lose our individuality. us

A Balancing Act In a healthy relationship, YOU, ME and US (the relationship) are in balance most of the time. However, sometimes YOU or ME or the relationship itself may need more attention…and that’s ok. usmeyou

Balancing Act Emotional Distancer/Pursuer “Dance”

Healthy Relationships 1.You should be able to name things about the person you really like. 2.You should be able to name some things you don’t like. 3.You should be able to name 3 things at least that this person is interested in besides you? 4.Can you name 3 activities you would be involved in without this person?

Healthy Relationships 5.You should have equal decision-making power in the relationship. 6.There will be conflicts and you need to learn how to handle them 7.Are this person’s relationships with his/her family/friends healthy? 8.In a good relationship you should feel better about yourself, not worse. 9.Your world should be bigger and better because of this person

Healthy Relationships 10.You should feel free to grow and change in ways you feel are right for you without being judged. 11.When you are with your partner you feel at home because he/she GETS you 12. You will be disappointed at times 13.You recognize that you have the right to make requests but you can’t make someone change. 14.Balance in emotional pursuit and emotional distancing

Necessary Conversations Money Religion/beliefs Family (extended) Vacations, Leisure Social Traditions, Holidays, Rituals Kids Education Gender Roles

The Big Secret Be to him/her the way you want him/her to be towards you!

Random thoughts about Relationships If any of the ideas in this presentation have left you feeling confused about your relationship, where it’s going and what it’s doing for you, please stop by Counseling Services to discuss your concerns. I will never tell you what to do I don’t know what/who is right for you (and neither does anyone else) I think most people already know their own truths but may need validation, clarification Sometimes the issue is not whether your relationship is healthy or not, it’s more about how to leave it.

Questions or Comments