How to Say “No” and Keep a Good Relationship REFUSAL SKILLS How to Say “No” and Keep a Good Relationship The next few slides will review the previous class’s lesson on abstinence and assign Parent Interview Homework. To prepare for the lesson: Find the Refusals Poster in your mailbox (Mark, since you will be teaching the first class.) and the teacher handout on How to Use Role Plays. Make copies of 1. Talk to Your Parents Homework (Pages 8 & 9) 2. The Role Play scripts, both effective and ineffective (Pages 11 – 14) 3. Observer Checklist (Page 15)

Review of Last Class Is abstinence the most common choice among people your age? Yes! What are some medical advantages of abstinence? Prevents pregnancy, reduces risk of STDs and cervical cancer. What are some personal or psychological reasons that abstinence is an advantage? Follows your religious or personal moral beliefs, shows emotional maturity and integrity, demonstrates that you’re stronger than peer pressure. How does abstinence help your relationship? Gives you time to develop a deeper friendship, can be a test of love, may help people be better lovers. Do a pair share to review, so students are talking to each other and practicing saying the words that will help them respond to pressure. Then flash the answer on the screen. Maybe more engaging?

Talk to Your Parents Part A: Answer these questions about your ideas about sex and protection. Part A: Predict what you think your parents believe about these questions. Part B: Interview your parents and talk about their answers to these questions. Part B: Difficult though this may be, don’t just give your parents the sheet to fill out! Talk about any differences between what you predicted they would say and what they actually said. Part C: This is the form that you turn in. Have the students complete Part A in class, then take it home with the second sheet, Part B and C.

Verbal Refusals Why is it sometime hard to say no, especially to someone you care about, and stick to that decision? The ability or skill to say no effectively gives us a lot of power over our lives. The purpose of doing role plays is to learn and practice ways to say no when you don’t want to have sex. There are many answers to that question. It’s natural to want to please your partner. Sexual feelings are very strong and also natural. Fear of getting in a fight and losing your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Refusal Skills Model 1. Say “NO!” Action: Use the word NO. Example: “No, I don’t want to do that.” Action: Don’t laugh, look away, make excuses, or explain. Example: Look straight at the other person with a serious look on your face. How many of you have trouble saying no to friends or family? Some will, some will say they won’t. But it is normal to have difficulty with that.

2. Use Body Language That Says NO A. Voice Tone Strong, firm, and business-like voice B. Expression Serious, your best “I mean it” face C. Posture Sit up or stand up with an upright, tall posture. Walk away if you need to. D. Gestures Hands off, “get off me” gesture or limit setting gestures E. Fight Back Sometimes, if everything else fails, you might have to use your strength to push your partner away to protect yourself. What are the different elements of body language? Just get some of their ideas, then go over each one. . For example (This was a kind of fun way to go over it.) Ask, what is a voice tone that says no? Then project answer. Caution against disrespectful tones. After all, you are saying no to someone you like. Then ask them to say NO all together in that strong, firm, and business-like voice. Of course, you will laugh! What is an expression that says No? Then all together have them show you their best serious expression while they say NO. What would saying no posture look like? Have them sit up straight and tall while showing their serious expression and firm voice. What gestures say NO? Have them show you. Look for hands up, palms out, give me space gestures or don’t cross this line gestures. Don’t do E!

3. Repeat the Refusal Action: Use the repetition technique by repeating the original no-statement until the other person stops pressuring. Example: No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to do that.” Restate no, increasing intensity by including statements about how the situation makes you feel. “No, and when you pressure me, I feel angry.” Add consequences if the situation doesn’t change. No, and if you keep pressuring me, I’m going to leave.” You can state the action and have the students give examples of how to do that.

4. Suggest an Alternative Action Suggest another activity that is realistic and appealing. Example “Let’s go to a movie, for a walk, to a friend’s, … Suggest another activity that gets you out of the situation. (Same example as above,) Move toward acting on the alternative. Get the paper or go online to see what is at the movies, get up to start walking, call friends to see if they’re home.

5. Build the Relationship (if appropriate). Action Strong, honest communication Example “I want you to stop that.” Use “I” Messages or Statements. “I get really mad when you push me to do things I’m not ready for.”

5. Relationship Building continued Action Accept and acknowledge other’s needs and wants. Example “I want to be with you too.” Talk and act in a way that says you want to keep the relationship going. “I don’t want to have sex with you, but I do want to keep seeing you and being close.”

Your Friend’s Ex-Partner What did the “refusing” person do or not do that led to ineffectiveness? Never said “No”. Never repeated the first objection Was trying not to upset the ex-partner and didn’t use clear communication. Expressed doubt and left the person thinking it might work out. I have done this many ways. I will put this in the order of what most engaged the students. You shouldread setting the stage, then have the students read the role plays. In pairs students read the ineffective Your Friend’s Ex-Partner to each other. That way everyone is getting used to talking about difficult stuff. Then each pair of students check off the behaviors used in role play 1 – Ineffective Your Friend’s Ex. Go over what didn’t happen in the inffective refusal. You could do this in groups of 4, 2 role players and 2 observers. You could have 2 students role play in front of the class with the rest of the students doing the Observer Checklist.

Your Friend’s Ex-Partner Version 2 What worked well in this role play? Organize the same way.

Trying to Slow Down What did the refusing person miss doing that led to an ineffective refusal? Never said no Never restated the first objection Asked questions (“Do you love me?”) rather than stating her or his view. This set him/her up for more pressure. Expressed doubt. Failed to offer any alternative actions. Failed to use hands off or other body language. Gave up

Trying to Slow Down Part 2 What were the elements of Person 2’s effective refusal?