Submit yourselves, then, to God Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.

Conflict is everywhere Home – partner - children - in-laws At work -the boss -colleagues -employees In our communities – neighbours!

How do you feel about conflict? Fearful “Oh NO!- I don’t need this!” Angry – getting ready for a fight! Resigned – “I have to get through this” Expectant – “this situation has potential”

What’s your style? RHINO? Are you a confronter? Are you scary? Are you direct in approach?

What’s your style? Hedgehog? Are you prickly? Are you defensive? Do you withdraw?

Understanding each other’s styles helps

If I decide your differences are BAD NEWS: I reject your ideas I am intolerant of your behaviour I am refusing to listen to you I do not trust your judgement I do not give you the benefit of the doubt Collectively we loose

If I am dismissive about differences between us: I may ignore them. I may avoid conflict but not resolve it. I will cold shoulder people Left alone -CONFLICT IS A DESTROYER

If I view differences between us as potentially POSITIVE: More options More wisdom Trust develops We own OUR problems Shared solutions strengthen relationships

Conflict is healthy! Differences between people are normal. Sharing difference helps us grow. New opinions need not be threatening. We can investigate options.

The root of healthy relationships Understanding differences Understanding styles Understanding needs Listening properly Being like Jesus – self-sacrificial and other-centred.

What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments? James 4 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.  You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:    "God opposes the proud       but gives grace to the humble."

What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments?   Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbour?

What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments? Matthew 5 "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.  "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Levels of Listening Ignoring Pretending Selective Listening Attentive Listening Empathetic Listening

Helpful Tips eye contact whole attention no interrupting give time check and respond smile and nod show you understand

TEN TOP relational NEEDS Attention Respect Acceptance Affection Encouragement Appreciation Support Comfort Security Approval

Impatience, quick temper Symptoms of a full cup Depressed Mood Escape into work, drugs, infidelity, pornography, etc Impatience, quick temper Physical side effects Loss of energy & umm.. concentration Loss of +ve emotions like joy, love, affection & romance Sleep & appetite disturbance Emotions can fill our cup. Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities Unhealthy Accumulation of negative Emotions False Guilt Condemnation Our emotional capacity True Guilt Retaliation Anger Bitterness & Resentment Hurt

Draining the emotional cup Comfort Deals with hurt Positive Emotions can be displaced by…. Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation True Guilt Retaliation Anger Bitterness & Resentment Hurt

Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotions can be displaced by…. Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation True Guilt Retaliation Anger Bitterness & Resentment Hurt

Draining the emotional cup Forgiveness Deals with anger Positive Emotions can be displaced by…. Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation True Guilt Retaliation Anger Bitterness & Resentment

Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotions can be displaced by…. Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation True Guilt Retaliation Anger

Draining the emotional cup Confession Deals with Guilt Positive Emotions can be displaced by…. Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation True Guilt Retaliation

Draining the emotional cup Truthful words drive out condemnation Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation

Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities False Guilt Condemnation

Draining the emotional cup Love drives out fear Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety Fears Insecurities

Draining the emotional cup Share your burden and learn to manage: Stress and anxiety Positive Emotion Stress Anxiety

Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotion Negative emotion

The Potential of Relational Needs EXAMPLE OF POSITIVE OUTCOMES - functional family, good self-image, intimate relationships, maturing personality HEALTHY BEHAVIOURS - kindness, giving to others, considerate, persue excellence POSITIVE FEELINGS - worthy, confident HEALTHY THINKING - I can do it, I’m really loved, I must be important NEEDS MET - affection, approval, attention, comfort RELATIONAL NEEDS - acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, respect, security, support

The PAIN of relational needs UNMET NEEDS - neglect, abuse, rejection, criticism “FAULTY THINKING” - what’s wrong with me? I don’t matter, I’ll try harder NEGATIVE FEELINGS - unworthy, anxious, condemned or bitter, hurt UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOUR - acting out manipulative games, addictions, compulsions, self-abuse EXAMPLE OF PAINFUL OUTCOMES - Disfunctional family, poor identity, personality disturbances, problems in living

Remember: the relationship is more important than the issue CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 1. Choose a time & place 2. Stick to the point 3. If things get out of hand, take ‘time out’ (cup of tea) & agree to continue later 4. Describe how you “FEEL” 5. Use “I” rather than “you” 6. “Reflective” listening to what is being said Remember: the relationship is more important than the issue 7. Say ‘sorry’ and forgive each other 8. If no immediate agreement can be found, agree on a temporary solution 9. Try the solution and review after an agreed period of time Copyright “Time for Families”

THE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIP REALITY ROMANCE Our partnership is perfect . . except for this LITTLE problem . . . . Which needs sorting out NOW! STOP interfering in MY life! C’mon,we need to talk about it! Let’s agree on how we move forward! REACTION THE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIP RENEWAL RESISTANCE REFLECTION

When dealing with conflict, target the issue . . . NOT the person !

WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ? WORDS, WORDS, WORDS, WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ? GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTS TIME TOGETHER PHYSICAL TOUCH THOUGHTFUL ACTS

It’s more than a feeling . . . It’s a DECISION! FORGIVENESS, It’s more than a feeling . . . It’s a DECISION! HURTS NO FISHING “Let’s dump our hurts here and move on together !”