Enhancing Communication Skills Dr. Jim Guinee Nov 17, 2009 APEN Conference

Testing your communication skills 1. Is there a law that prohibits a man from marrying his widow’s sister? 1. Is there a law that prohibits a man from marrying his widow’s sister? 2. If you went to bed at 8am, and set your alarm for 9am the next morning, how many hours of sleep would you get? 2. If you went to bed at 8am, and set your alarm for 9am the next morning, how many hours of sleep would you get? 3. Does England have a 4th of July? 3. Does England have a 4th of July? 4. According to Bible tradition, how many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him during the great flood? 4. According to Bible tradition, how many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him during the great flood?

Testing your communication skills 5. If you only had one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood stove, which would you light first? 5. If you only had one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood stove, which would you light first? 6. UCA and Hendrix play 5 baseball games. They each win 3 games. How is this possible? 6. UCA and Hendrix play 5 baseball games. They each win 3 games. How is this possible? 7. How far can a dog run into the woods? 7. How far can a dog run into the woods? 8. A man builds a house with four sides, and each side faces the south. A bear comes to the door and rings the doorbell. What color is the bear? 8. A man builds a house with four sides, and each side faces the south. A bear comes to the door and rings the doorbell. What color is the bear?

Research on couples communication Happy couples Unhappy couples Happy couples Unhappy couples My partner is a very good listener83% 18% My partner understands how I feel79% 13% I am satisfied with how 90% 15% we talk to each other we talk to each other We find it easy to think of things 86% 28% to do together to do together I can share feelings and ideas with 85% 22% my partner during disagreements my partner during disagreements We are both equally willing to make 87% 46% adjustments in the relationship adjustments in the relationship [Source: Olson & Olson, 2000, “Empowering Couples: Building on your strengths”; National survey of over 10,000 married couples]

The ultimate fly in the ointment Communication problems are UNIVERSAL Communication problems

Simon Says This game is played much like the regular Simon Says: You obey the instructions that come after “Simon Says.” However, you can’t move while you play this version. You must do it all in your head.

Simon Says Simon says, stand straight, hands at your sides. Simon says, raise your right hand. Simon says, if your right hand is raised, put your left hand on your left hip. Simon says, if one of your hands is raised, raise you opposite leg. Simon says, if your right hand is not on your hip, reverse the positions of your two hands. Touch your nose with your right hand. Simon says, the next time you hear the word “reverse”, switch the positions of your two hands. Simon says, if one of your legs is raised and your tongue is not out, put your leg down. Do not reverse the positions of your two hands. Simon says, reverse the positions of your two hands. Have each person stand and show you what positions they are in.

Intended and Unintended Communication of Feelings Source: Data from L. Gaelick, G.V. Bodenhausen, and R.S. Wyer, Jr., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49:1248, 1985.

A. Messages must be clearly expressed A. Messages must be clearly expressed clearly received clearly received Metacommunication entails being more Metacommunication entails being more AWARE of HOW you communicate AWARE of HOW you communicate (e.g., body language, tone of voice) (e.g., body language, tone of voice) 1. Messages vary in SPECIFICITY 1. Messages vary in SPECIFICITY (message you wish to get across) (message you wish to get across) Q: What is a “church bulletin”? Q: What is a “church bulletin”? Metacommunication

-For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery. -This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. -Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. -Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. -Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. -The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. -The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. -The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. -Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow!! -Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow!! Church bulletin items

-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. -At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. -Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. -Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. -The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!" -The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!" -Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." -Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." -Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days. -Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days. -Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. -Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. -Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. More Church bulletin items

2. Messages have BIDIRECTIONALITY 2. Messages have BIDIRECTIONALITY (sender & receiver) (sender & receiver) A tragic example of mis-communicating: Metacommunication (cont’d)

Anger Management BlWtyA&feature= BlWtyA&feature=

Common themes A. Anger is a futile business B. Anger has negative consequences C. True control comes from managing your anger, not venting/exploding D. Become aware of own reactions to anger, hostility – a “solvable problem”

Nature and Frequency of Anger A. Example: Married couples B. The key is that there is a clear difference between feeling angry acting angry acting angry

The Black Box

Angry people don’t realize A. They choose to be angry

B. They become conditioned to react angrily

Luke…I am your father’s dog!!

Rewinding the video tape

Benefits of analysis 1. See negative outcome 2. Access chain of thoughts 3. Revise the situation 4. Model the “right” behavior

Strategy: Mediation 1. Introduction and overview 1. Introduction and overview Who everybody is and what their roles are Who everybody is and what their roles are 2. Establishment of the ground rules 2. Establishment of the ground rules 3. Telling the story / Problem Determination 3. Telling the story / Problem Determination Each person briefly states their view Each person briefly states their view 4. Definition of issues 4. Definition of issues May be more than what’s on the surface. May be more than what’s on the surface.

Strategy: Mediation 5. Generating and evaluating appropriate alternatives 5. Generating and evaluating appropriate alternatives Statements about “I’d like to see this…” or “We could do that….” Statements about “I’d like to see this…” or “We could do that….” 6. Selection of appropriate alternative 6. Selection of appropriate alternative Nail down specific, agreed-upon solutions. Nail down specific, agreed-upon solutions. May not be either-or, may not be a compromise. May not be either-or, may not be a compromise. 7. Conclusion 7. Conclusion Summary and re-statement of agreed-upon solutions Summary and re-statement of agreed-upon solutions Statement of length of time before #8. Statement of length of time before #8. 8. Follow-up 8. Follow-up Check back with each participant after an agreed upon period of time to see how things are going. Check back with each participant after an agreed upon period of time to see how things are going.

Strategy: Principle of Least Intervention “An ounce of prevention…” “An ounce of prevention…” All big firesstart out small

Strategy: Self-Talk Self-talk is Good Medicine Self-talk is Good Medicine

Helpful strategies F. Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledge Q1: How much does this person know? Q2: How much does this person care? [Tip: Answer the questions IN ORDER] Q: Which one do you have control over? Q: Which one do you have control over?

Helpful Strategies Spiritual Solutions

I tried it, it didn’t work  I tried it, it didn’t work  When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person): When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person):  Deal with it  Leave the relationship, leave the environment

I tried it, it didn’t work  I tried it, it didn’t work  When faced with an immoveable obstacle: When faced with an immoveable obstacle:  Change your behavior  Change your attitude Is this fair? No. Is this fair? No. But who said life was fair? But who said life was fair?

Final Comments Final Comments