Dr. Elena Klaw

 This module of the Welcoming Warriors Home Manual (Klaw, Townsend, & Demers, 2012) is designed to facilitate veterans’ understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship and to learn effective communication skills and techniques … to foster healthy relationships with a partner. Topics:  Arguing in healthy vs. unhealthy relationships.  Ways to cultivate healthy relationships  Repairing relationships after conflict *Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

 Even in happy partnerships, 69% of the conflicts never get resolved (a salient issue now often remains a salient issue years onward) (Gottman & Silver, 1999).  What might be common sources of conflict for vets and their partners?  If the issue does not get resolved, then how are two people able to go forward in their relationship?

 What matters is not how much we argue, but HOW:  Arguing occurs in both healthy and unhealthy relationships; what’s important is whether we show respect & acceptance vs. contempt for our partner.  70% of partners felt the quality of their relationship was a determining factor in whether they were satisfied with sex, romance, and passion they shared together (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

 Couples in happy relationships are aware of nearly all of the positive actions that partners did for them, whereas in unhappy relationships, 50% of the time, each person only observes their partner’s negative actions (Gottman & Silver, 1999).  In the heat of an argument, healthy relationships are found to have 5-to-1 positive comments or behaviors for every negative comment. Similarly, when a relationship is smooth, a 20-to-1 ratio has been observed (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

 Turning toward your partner can entail affection, humor, support, or even an apology if things have gone awry (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Hoge, 2010).  What does it mean for veterans and their partners to focus on turning toward, not away from each other?

 Once an individual’s heart rate rises above 95 beats per minute, cortisol and adrenaline are released (stress hormones- the fight or flight response is initiated).The physiological effects are known as flooding and characterized by rapid breathing, increased heart rate, muscle tension, and sweating.  Perceptions narrow, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem solving discussion (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

 For men, once their heart rate (HR) is elevated, they are more likely to sustain angry thoughts after a fight. It takes men longer for their HR and blood pressure (BP) to return to normal in contrast to women, who’s HR and BP recover more quickly.  This may be the reason women raise 80% of the issues in a relationship, and why men avoid discussing them (Gottman & Silver,1999)!

 After emotional flooding, it’s best to take a 20- minute break (minimum time to recover physiologically) to allow each partner to calm down before resuming the discussion.  One of the differences between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is how often couples respond to bids for affection or relationship repair. In healthy relationships, members respond 86% of the time to bids for affection or relationship repair, whereas couples in unhealthy relationships respond positively only 33% (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

 Veterans and the rest of us can learn to manage conflict better  What are key strategies?

 Take partner’s perspective using empathy “I’m sorry you had a hard day.”  Don’t trivialize or belittle a partner’s experience.  Turn toward by asking for/offering affection, using humor, giving compliments.  Take Breaks.  Show appreciation and respect for your partner (At least 5 to1 positive for every negative).  Focus on shared goals vs. resolving every issue; Winning the relationships vs. the argument.  Connect to resources if needed e.g. counseling, clergy, support groups.