Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Lesson Four Love and Intimacy

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. LOVE- What does it mean? This word is thrown around a lot, but how do you actually think about and define love? Create your own definition for the word love and write it in your notebook.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. LOVE Love in the English language is just one word- but it has MANY definitions. Webster defines love as any of the following: Strong affection Warm attachment Attraction based on sexual desire Unselfish loyal and concern for others To cherish To feel passion, devotion, or tenderness for… To take pleasure in…

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. THE GREEKS & LOVE The ancient Greeks had several words that they used to express the various kinds of love. 1. Agape- unconditional & selfless love 2. Eros- passionate love & desire 3. Philia- loyal love, friends & family 4. Storge- affection, family & parents The 2 that specifically relate to the attraction & connection between two people in a romantic relationship are EROS & AGAPE.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. EROS “Chemistry” of attraction Associated with physical attraction and sexual desire. Eros is: Self centered About self gratification Feels very intense in the beginning, but will wear down

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. AGAPE Unconditional, selfless love- wanting nothing in return Agape is: Other-oriented; no need for self-benefit About strong affection- a warm, tender, and deep commitment to someone. A giving and unconditional love with complete acceptance. We don’t often use the words Agape and Eros in everyday life, but relate these concepts to what we call Love and Lust!

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Eros & Agape- Sorting It All Out Table Activity Working with your tablemates, divide the cards you are given into 2 stacks. 1 for Eros and 1 for Agape As you are dividing them discuss amongst one another why this word fits into that particular stack.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. CHEMISTRY Chemistry is related to Eros. The invisible feelings that draw two people together. Chemistry is typically what gets love going, but it can not sustain it alone.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. FRIENDSHIP Knowing someone well and being able to share thoughts & feelings freely. Accepting all of that person- the good & bad. Trust, sharing, honesty, communication, and support are key ingredients in friendship. You cannot be “sole mates” without feeling safe and comfortable to be the real you.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. TRUST/ COMMITMENT Being able to trust someone. Committing to be faithful. Putting another’s needs above your own. Being able to be there for one another and give support even through difficult times. Being willing to commit and invest in a future together.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. #1 Which Side is Missing? Maria and Chris were both 29 years old; they were great friends and found each other very attractive. When they were together, their time was very fulfilling. There was a lot of chemistry between them. They'd been dating for four years. They enjoyed each other and could talk for hours. But, they each made decisions in terms of what was best for each of them as individuals. Their careers took priority and both were unwilling to consider the needs of the other or plan for a future together. Each wanted to keep their individual options open— not wanting to miss any personal opportunity.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. #2 Which Side is Missing? When Tom and Mary were 19 years old they fell in love practically at first sight. They were magically drawn to each other and couldn't bear to be apart. They quickly got sexually involved and within two weeks had moved in with each other. A month later they eloped. A year and a half later they discovered they really weren't very compatible. They had totally different interests and values. They were not good friends, their communication wasn’t very good and they didn’t have much fun anymore.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. #3 Which Side is Missing? Kevin and Keisha were very good friends. They enjoyed talking to each other and could talk for hours. They shared tons of interests. They had no better friend. But there was no heat, no physical attraction, or chemistry. After 18 months of being inseparable as pals, they thought “Why not? Let's get hitched, since we're so compatible and enjoy each other’s company.”

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. 3 Sides of Love Helps us understand what mature, healthy love is. Many relationships begin with chemistry, but it is important for the friendship side to develop if the relationship is going to deepen. Some relationships begin as a friendship and then grow into romance. Friendship, either way, is essential in developing trust/ commitment.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Q. What do you think researchers have found out in surveys when asking couples what they want most? A. Couples young or old, engaged or married, say they want a best friend. So, it turns out that the Friendship side turns out to be pretty important. Research Findings

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Q. How is communication related to the Three Sides of Love? A. Researchers find that a key predictor of marital success or failure is how well you communicate and handle conflict. Your communication skills seem to be critical to keeping commitment strong. Communication is important for establishing, maintaining, and deepening friendship. All of this helps fuel the ongoing attraction/chemistry for each other. Research Findings

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk EmotionalFeelings SocialActivities and Interests SpiritualValues and Beliefs Commitment Loyalty Trust Healthy Giving Long-Term View Team-Centeredness

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. IntimacyConnectedness 0% 50% 100% Physically Verbally Emotionally Socially Spiritually Commitment You will draw one line in each area of intimacy that represents Jessie, and one line that represents Ben. I will read through an example for each area of intimacy.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Physical: Jessie and Ben are very physically involved. They spend a lot of time kissing and making-out. They’ve touched each other above the waist under their clothes, and have moved on to touching below the waist under their clothes. They have not had sexual intercourse but both are considering it.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Verbal: Jessie and Ben hardly talk at length about anything important. She usually tries to bring up serious topics but he always changes the subject. The small talk they have is about either sports (in which she isn’t too interested) or gossip about someone (which he thinks is a bore). They argue a lot over little things. Jessie wants to go to college and loves to read novels and talk about ideas. Ben is not that great at school and would rather not talk about it when he doesn’t have to.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Emotional: Jessie wants this relationship to last forever. Ben likes her and thinks this relationship is okay for now, but he definitely doesn’t think much about the future or feel that she is “the one.” Because she’s afraid to lose him, she tries to keep tabs on where he is and with whom he’s hanging out.She gets very angry if he does things without her. He ends up giving in to her preferences a lot and keeps quiet so he doesn’t have to deal with her mood swings. Also, he’s pretty even-keeled emotionally and would rather not rock the boat.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Social: His idea of spending time together is having her hang out with his friends or being alone getting physical. He’s not into her interests or what she thinks is fun to do. Even so, they both do like watching movies and playing pool.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Spiritual: Jessie is spiritual, but doesn’t go to church anymore. Ben goes to church with his family and believes that it is important to keep going regularly. She likes to talk about serious things like whether God exists or what happens when you die. He makes fun of her serious side and her interest in talking about deep beliefs. He knows what he believes in and would rather not have debates about it.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Commitment: He hasn’t thought beyond next month. She’s hoping to talk him into staying in school and going to college with her so that they can stay together. In fact, she’s writing his papers at school to improve his grades.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? 1. Would you say they have a “best friends” relationship? Do they share basic values? Do they enjoy doing many things together? Do they enjoy talking to each other - sharing thoughts and ideas? 2. How emotionally healthy is their relationship? Is it trusting and secure? Are their feelings for each other mutual? Is it mostly physical or is the attraction on many levels?

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? 3. Do they each have a clear sense of identity (i.e., know who they are)? Do you think they both have a lot more growing up to do? Are they a good match for a long-term relationship? 4. Do you think it is a good idea for them to have sex together? Is it likely one or both of them will have regrets later if they have sex? Is it likely that one or the other may end up cheating?

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. True Intimacy True intimacy involves the linking of “hearts and souls.” It doesn’t come fast, or easily. It’s built over time as more emotional, verbal, social, and spiritual connections are made. And, as two people trust and commit to each other, these connections are deepened. Sex often fools people into believing they are close. A person thinks he or she is close to someone, but all the two really have is a physical connection. In fact, for a lot of couples, sex may be a substitute for true intimacy.