Making a Love Connection Chapter 7 Making a Love Connection Styles of Love and Attachment Chapter 6

Distinguishing Loving from Liking Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection and respect. Loving is based on attachment, caring, and interdependence. Some research adds passion (fascinated by the loved one, feeling the relationships is unique and exclusive, and sexual desire) Is liking necessary for loving?

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Passion Commitment Intimacy

Intimacy: The “Warm” Component Foundation of the triangle Feelings of emotional connection and closeness Moderately stable Somewhat controllable Latent intimacy (internal feelings of closeness) vs. manifest intimacy (how you comm. affection/closeness) Latent plateaus and manifest decreases over time. Why?

Passion: The “Hot” Component Based on motivation and arousal Can friends feel passionate towards each other? Or parents towards their children? Your book says yes, but its important to note romantic relationships are characterized by sexual arousal. Uncontrollable as this kind of love is referred to as infatuation Falling in and out of love quickly Can be difficult to sustain as its unstable

Commitment: The “Cool” Component Based on cognitive choice-referring to the decision to love someone and maintain committed Relatively stable (builds gradually, then stabilizes) Commitment is related to trust, loyalty, and faithfulness, which have been found to be central to views of what love is Commitment also predicts rel. stability (to some degree)

Different Triangles, Different Types of Love (Relationships?) 8 Types of love identified by Sternberg: Nonlove = none Liking = intimacy only Infatuation= passion only Empty love= commitment only Romantic love= passion + intimacy Friendship love= intimacy + commitment Fatuous love = passion + commitment Consummate love= all three components

Love Triangles (Box 7.1,corrected) Passion Commitment Intimacy Nonlove LIKING Passion Commitment Commitment Passion Intimacy Intimacy EMPTY LOVE INFATUATION

Love Triangles FRIENDSHIP LOVE ROMANTIC LOVE FATUOUS LOVE Commitment Passion Commitment Passion Intimacy Intimacy FRIENDSHIP LOVE ROMANTIC LOVE Commitment Passion Commitment Passion Intimacy Intimacy FATUOUS LOVE CONSUMATE LOVE

Unrequited Love Sometimes the feelings of friendship, caring, or passion the characterize loving and likely are not reciprocated. Involves a would-be-lover (wants to intensify rel.) and a rejector (does not) May or may not stem from a relationship Would-be-lover face’s a dilemma 1.) keep quiet about feelings 2.) try to win their love. Ex, Friend Zone on MTV Rejectors report experiencing more negative emotions than would-be lovers. Emotions such as??

Unrequited Love, cont. The communication script is more defined for would-be-lovers than rejectors. (You Belong to Me) Try to be “polite” but this can be a problem; may eventually feel victimized. Mis-communication potential I’m not interested in dating anyone right now but I want to stay friends. I like you, but I’m really busy right now. I’m interested in someone else.** Most inappropriate for rom. partner to use It wouldn’t work because I’m just not right for you.** Most inappropriate for acquaintances to use. Any personal examples?

Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159)

Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159) The Primary Styles Eros: Romantic or passionate love Storge: Companionate love Ludus: Game-Playing Love The Secondary Styles Mania: Possessive Love (eros + ludus) Pragma: Practical Love (storge + ludus) Agape: Unselfish Love (storge + eros)

Types of Love as They Blend Lee’s Love styles Individual predispositions, stage in life, stage of relationship—sex and culture influences Eros Ludus Storge Eros Mania Pragma Agape What are sex differences? Box 7.3 is informative.

Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways Physiological and behavioral responses to love in their interviews could be grouped into seven categories representing the experiences of 90% of lovers. 1. Collaborative love: love is seen as a partnership involving mutual support, negotiation, increases energy, intensifies emotion. 2. Active love: based on activity and doing things together. Feelings of increased strength and self-confidence. 3. Intuitive love: love is a feeling communicated through nonverbals and feelings such as butterflies, and feeling warm all over.

Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways cont’d. 4.) Committed love: based on commitment and feelings of commitment, spending time together and discussion of future. 5.) Secure love: based on security and intimacy. Feelings of safety and warmth, communicated through self-disclosure. 6.) Expressive love: shown through overt behavior. Doing things for partner and saying “I love you” often. 7.) Traditional romantic love: loves involves togetherness and commitment. When people are in love, they feel beautiful and happy. Do you believe this represents 90% of lovers experiences?

Attachment Theory: Key Ideas Beginning in infancy and continuing throughout the lifespan, humans have an innate need to form attachments with others. The interaction children have with caregivers leads to the development of internal working models (IWM) of self and others. Attachment styles are relatively coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that are exhibited in close relationships.

Attachment Styles, cont. Model of self: the degree to which a child develops an internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation Model of others: the degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting (rather than rejecting) Model of self and others therefore ranges from positive to negative.

Attachment Styles in Childhood Secure: “goodness of fit” in terms of stimulation, responsive to basic needs, consistently caring Avoidant: over- or under-stimulated, sometimes neglected (show little emotion when separated or returned to caregiver) Anxious-Ambivalent: inconsistent response patterns, parent is preoccupied or stressed (anxious when separated but ambivalent when caregiver returns)

Children’s Attachment Styles after 2 years: Secure: around 70% of children (positive models of self and others) Avoidant: around 20% of children (negative models of others) Anxious-Ambivalent: around 10% of children (negative models of self)

Adult Attachment Styles Positive Model of Others Secure (I’m okay, you’re okay) Preoccupied (I’m not okay, you’re okay) Positive Model Of Self Negative Model of Self Dismissive (I’m okay, you’re not okay) Fearful (I’m not okay, you’re not okay) Negative Model of Others

SECURE: The Prosocial Style Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy Compromise and problem-solving during conflict Highest level of maintenance behavior Tend to be pleasant, self-disclosive, and skilled communicators Reinforcement Effect: Because secures are confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others

PREOCCUPIED: The Emotional Style Overly involved and dependent Want excessive intimacy and worry that partners do not care enough for them Demanding, nagging conflict behavior Express negative emotion with aggression or passive aggression Overly disclosive and overly sensitive Reinforcement Effect: By clinging to their partners and escalating intimacy quickly, they push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love

FEARFUL: The Hesitant Style Fearful of intimacy (they have been hurt in the past and/or fear rejection) Communication is often passive, guarded, and anxious Trouble expressing emotions and self-disclosing Relatively low levels of maintenance and nonverbal pleasantness Reinforcement Effect: By avoiding taking risks, they keep themselves from developing the kind of close, positive relationship that will help them feel better about themselves and others

DISMISSIVE: The Detached Style Counterdependent (self-sufficient to the point of pushing others away) Relationships seen as nonessential; personal goals are a higher priority Relatively low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression Withdrawing conflict style with more interruptions Reinforcement Effect: By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy

Satisfaction, Stability, and Change Explanation for Relationship Satisfaction General communication skills and emotional communication skills Explanations for Stability Interactions with caregivers have an especially strong effect on a person’s social development. The Reinforcement Effect for each style Explanations for Change Significant life/relationship events The partner’s attachment style Variability across relationship types More central to personality for some people