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Healthy Relationships Conflict Resolution & Negotiating Coming to a Decision VI

Unconscious Incompetence

Conscious Incompetence

Unconscious Incompetence Conscious Incompetence Conscious Competence

Unconscious Competence Unconscious Incompetence Conscious Incompetence Conscious Competence

Conveys “Let’s Compromise.” Both parties communicate that they care enough to sacrifice Both lose something Conveys “Let’s Compromise.” Both parties communicate that they care enough to sacrifice Both lose something Rationalizer

Sacrifice is usually done begrudgingly but seen as necessary in order to keep the peace Long term effect – one or the other will convert to one of the other styles Usually the Placater – and gives up Sacrifice is usually done begrudgingly but seen as necessary in order to keep the peace Long term effect – one or the other will convert to one of the other styles Usually the Placater – and gives up Rationalizer

Conveys “I’ll lose so you can win, then you’ll love me.” Easier to give in than fight I’ll just lose anyway and I really need for you to like me so you go ahead and win Conveys “I’ll lose so you can win, then you’ll love me.” Easier to give in than fight I’ll just lose anyway and I really need for you to like me so you go ahead and win Placater ANXIETYANXIETY

Loss of self-esteem Long term effect - Loss of Love Suppresses feelings until they can’t love any more Loss of self-esteem Long term effect - Loss of Love Suppresses feelings until they can’t love any more Placater ANXIETYANXIETY

Go Hide! Avoids conflict at all costs Short term effect – Avoid conflict Temporary Peace Go Hide! Avoids conflict at all costs Short term effect – Avoid conflict Temporary Peace Distracter

Conveys “You are not important enough to me to get out of my comfort zone.” Turns away from relationship – withdraws psychologically Long term effect – Lose Intimacy Conveys “You are not important enough to me to get out of my comfort zone.” Turns away from relationship – withdraws psychologically Long term effect – Lose Intimacy Distracter

Win at all costs Manipulates to get his way – will do anything to NOT lose Often high achievers Win at all costs Manipulates to get his way – will do anything to NOT lose Often high achievers Blamer

Conveys that “opponents” view is not important – only “his” view counts – you don’t matter Relationships often few and short Long term effect - loss of relationship Conveys that “opponents” view is not important – only “his” view counts – you don’t matter Relationships often few and short Long term effect - loss of relationship Blamer

1 Peter 3:7-8 Interdependent TEAM “You husbands likewise, (Translated Greek ) continually build your home according to a personal knowledge of your wife, while continually honoring her as a weaker vessel since she is a woman; as fellow inheritors of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered”

Two heads are better than one Conflict is viewed as a good thing Fixes the problem AND builds Intimacy Looks for win/win solution Two heads are better than one Conflict is viewed as a good thing Fixes the problem AND builds Intimacy Looks for win/win solution Interdependent TEAM

Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, so... one person sharpens another.” Interdependent TEAM

1 Peter 3:7-8 Interdependent TEAM “To sum up, (Translated Greek ) have a common perspective, have common emotions, like each other as brothers, be tenderly sympathetic, and humble in spirit”

Explores several alternatives with partner – pros and cons are listed Does not sell or defend their view – listens to each alternative objectively The best objective is agreed upon Solution belongs to BOTH parties Explores several alternatives with partner – pros and cons are listed Does not sell or defend their view – listens to each alternative objectively The best objective is agreed upon Solution belongs to BOTH parties Interdependent TEAM

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself; do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Conflict Resolution Philippians 2:3-4

There is a time, place, or occasion where each style “may” be appropriate Conflict with boss at work - Distracter Conflict with teen over curfew - Blamer There is a time, place, or occasion where each style “may” be appropriate Conflict with boss at work - Distracter Conflict with teen over curfew - Blamer Conflict Resolution

Matthew 7:6 “... don’t cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample you under their feet.” Conflict Resolution

Conflict with neighbor - Placate Sometimes a compromise is the best you can get - Let’s make a deal. Conflicts within a family should primarily involve team building. Conflict with neighbor - Placate Sometimes a compromise is the best you can get - Let’s make a deal. Conflicts within a family should primarily involve team building. Conflict Resolution

Request specific behavior changes, not personality changes Be absolutely specific Listen - Don’t formulate your next statement while your partner is talking Request specific behavior changes, not personality changes Be absolutely specific Listen - Don’t formulate your next statement while your partner is talking Conflict Resolution

Use pauses to “catch up” allowing time to listen Don’t escalate, take time out if necessary PRAY TOGETHER - See this as an opportunity to grow in intimacy and work out one more thing that could jeopardize intimacy in the future Use pauses to “catch up” allowing time to listen Don’t escalate, take time out if necessary PRAY TOGETHER - See this as an opportunity to grow in intimacy and work out one more thing that could jeopardize intimacy in the future Conflict Resolution

Schedule the conflict - “I would like to talk to you about _______ when could we do that?” Plan a time and place Schedule the conflict - “I would like to talk to you about _______ when could we do that?” Plan a time and place Conflict Resolution

Allow enough time and emotional space – e.g. Not before a final exam Pick a place where you won’t be interrupted Emotionally conducive place Allow enough time and emotional space – e.g. Not before a final exam Pick a place where you won’t be interrupted Emotionally conducive place Conflict Resolution

Be godly Be polite Have permission! Be godly Be polite Have permission! Conflict Resolution

Unconscious Competence Principle: We should strive for the competency of making wise and sympathetic decisions together

Discussion Questions 1)If you tend to blame, how have you experienced conflict resolution? 2)If you tend to placate, how have you experienced conflict resolution? 3)If you tend to rationalize, how have you experienced conflict resolution? 4)If you tend to distract, how have you experienced conflict resolution? 5)Give an illustration of a failed conflict resolution? 6)Give an illustration of a successful conflict resolution?

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