By Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D. Christian Family Institute (918)

Preference for a 2 hour initial couple session The story

Initial Assessment: Types of Affairs emotional "friendship“ casual fling pregnancy, after the baby grief affair the traveling affair

Types of Affairs philandering affair(s) sexual addiction affair(s) Revenge affairs “The Lifestyle” Long term with or without children

The Discovery The Decisions The OffenderThe Offended End the Relationship?Stay or Go? The Relationship? Grieve the Loss Tend the Wound Empowerment Forgive? Repentance, Remorse Humility Manage Emotional Dysregulation Empathy for Partner Boundaries, Accountability Confession

The Big Question: Is it over? Initial Assessment

“total amputation”?

The Second Big Question: Can this marriage be saved? Is there remorse and empathy on the part of the offender? Does the offended wish to explore healing and restoration? The question of forgiveness?? Initial Assessment

Personality assessment of each partner Disorder? Capacity for change Ability to forgive Initial Assessment

Treatment Planning: Needs of the offended Needs of the offender Needs of the relationship

Stages of Treatment Needs of the offender Complete Confession Grieving loss Total amputation of the offending relationship Empathy for the offended partner Expressing genuine remorse, humility

Needs of the offender Establishment of clear boundaries Increased accountability Recognition of the factors contributing to the infidelity Other possible offenses

Stages of Treatment Needs of the offended: Tend the wound Reassurance Expressions of Empathy Support and empowerment to decide about the future

Needs of the offended: Forgiveness ?? Not a given A process over time Should not be rushed A series of day-to-day choices

Needs of the offended Moving past obsession Managing the wide range of emotions Thinking differently

Marital Therapy Insight into the pre-affair marital dynamics Level of intimacy Distance / separateness Building trust Identifying factors which may have contributed to the vulnerability to an affair Rules of conduct with members of the opposite sex (pre and post)

Marital Therapy Renegotiation of relationship ethics, boundaries, accountability, lifestyle, etc. Re-establishing communication Evaluating and treating sexual intimacy issues