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Boundaries, Manipulation, and Love: Effective Parenting Presented by Jonathan Mitchell, MA, LPC, Clinical Therapist

Boundaries let people know they are safe – even if it may be an uncomfortable experience.

When we hold boundaries with infants, children, and teenagers, they can relax into their lives and explore appropriately.

Anger is an appropriate and healthy response to a boundary – if someone is NOT angry because of boundaries this can be concerning.

So what about manipulation? What happens when my child tries to manipulate me?

Manipulation = Request for a Boundary

Boundaries form the identity of oneself.

Without them, the search for identity can continue and lead to problems…

What happens when my child does not adhere to the boundaries I have created?

“What is my child’s underlying desire in pushing back against me or the boundary?” (or “Why is my son/daughter driving me crazy?!”) You may ask yourself:

1. (Re)Defining who he/ she is 2. Emotional safety (trust) 3. Feeling closer to you Because there is a need for:

Challenges in families become un-navigable when the relationships become diffuse.

A Challenged Family Dynamic Intimacy as an Infant, Child? Break in Relationship (Early Teens?) Diffuse Relationship Low Trust Finding Other Trusted Relationships Elsewhere (e.g., Computer, Friends, Drugs) Open Sky

Challenges arise where hardship is encountered (e.g., trauma, death, loss, divorce, sickness). Challenges arise where hardship is encountered (e.g., trauma, death, loss, divorce, sickness). In these times, the intimacy of relationships is challenged. In these times, the intimacy of relationships is challenged. If these circumstances are navigated successfully – meaning, everyone feels closer afterwards – trust is established. If these circumstances are navigated successfully – meaning, everyone feels closer afterwards – trust is established. If not, relationships lose intimacy and “holes” can form both within oneself and in a relationship. If not, relationships lose intimacy and “holes” can form both within oneself and in a relationship. Developmental Holes

Not only for your kids…but for yourself! Not only for your kids…but for yourself! If a relationship has become strained with your child – there is often a high correlation between the age your child is struggling and what happened to you at that age. If a relationship has become strained with your child – there is often a high correlation between the age your child is struggling and what happened to you at that age. As humans, we are naturally made to be in relationship. When we find ourselves unable to be in relationship (i.e., parent effectively), something has happened which stops us from being able to regain relationship. As humans, we are naturally made to be in relationship. When we find ourselves unable to be in relationship (i.e., parent effectively), something has happened which stops us from being able to regain relationship. Relationship is Natural

What stops your child from feeling close to you?

Clearly, your child may be engaged in behaviors or lifestyles that limit their ability to feel close to you. Clearly, your child may be engaged in behaviors or lifestyles that limit their ability to feel close to you. However, it has not always been this way. However, it has not always been this way. They began engaging in these patterns because they struggled with something at some point and found solace in them. They began engaging in these patterns because they struggled with something at some point and found solace in them. So, the question remains, how have you, as a parent, stopped your child from trusting you/feeling intimate with you? So, the question remains, how have you, as a parent, stopped your child from trusting you/feeling intimate with you? Without this kind of self reflection/personal therapy, your child and your family remain at high risk for returning to old patterns. Without this kind of self reflection/personal therapy, your child and your family remain at high risk for returning to old patterns. What stops your child?

How do I regain intimacy with my child?

The Road to Intimacy Contact

This is the ability that I have to be in relationship both with myself and others at any given time. This is the ability that I have to be in relationship both with myself and others at any given time. This means I have the ability to be aware of how I am feeling at any given moment – feelings, not thoughts or ideas. This means I have the ability to be aware of how I am feeling at any given moment – feelings, not thoughts or ideas. Contact

The Road to Intimacy Contact Connection = Contact over time

The Road to Intimacy Contact Connection = Contact over time Relationship = Connection over time

The Road to Intimacy Contact Connection = Contact over time Relationship = Connection over time Intimacy = Relationship over time

What can I DO?

Take ownership for how you may have not supported trust and intimacy with your child.

Practice self-reflection through your own therapy and with your Open Sky therapist – be curious.

Hold boundaries with your child while at Open Sky, (e.g., aftercare decisions, confrontations regarding past behavior) while remaining loving and caring. vs.

The reasons why young people struggle in their lives is often myriad and complex. The reasons why young people struggle in their lives is often myriad and complex. There are many things parents can do to direct, influence, and model positive change for their kids. There are many things parents can do to direct, influence, and model positive change for their kids. What’s the bottom line?

Covery, S. (1997). The 7 habits of highly effective families. St. Martin’s Griffin: New York. Covery, S. (1997). The 7 habits of highly effective families. St. Martin’s Griffin: New York. Frreman, D. (2012). Contact and relationship (lecture). Frreman, D. (2012). Contact and relationship (lecture). Gibbs, N. (2009). The growing backlash against overparenting. Time, November 30, Gibbs, N. (2009). The growing backlash against overparenting. Time, November 30, Gottlieb, L. (2011). How to land your kid in therapy. The Atlantic, July/August Gottlieb, L. (2011). How to land your kid in therapy. The Atlantic, July/August Levine, M. (2006). Price of privelege. Harper Collins: New York. Levine, M. (2006). Price of privelege. Harper Collins: New York. Pozatek, K. (2010). The parallel process: Growing alongside your adolescent or young adult child in treatment. Lantern Books: Herndon, VA. Pozatek, K. (2010). The parallel process: Growing alongside your adolescent or young adult child in treatment. Lantern Books: Herndon, VA. Schneider, W., T. Cavell, & J. Hughes (2003), “A sense of containment: Potential moderator of the relation between parenting practices and children’s externalizing behavior,” Development and Psychopathology 15, Schneider, W., T. Cavell, & J. Hughes (2003), “A sense of containment: Potential moderator of the relation between parenting practices and children’s externalizing behavior,” Development and Psychopathology 15, References & Resources

Thank you! Jonathan Mitchell, MA, LPC Clinical Therapist for Adolescent Boys Jonathan Mitchell, MA, LPC Clinical Therapist for Adolescent Boys Please keep this browser window open. When the presentation is complete, it will take you to a short survey for today’s webinar. Please keep this browser window open. When the presentation is complete, it will take you to a short survey for today’s webinar.