THE BASES FOR RELATIONSHIPS Lecture 20a COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

FUNCTIONS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS TO ALLEVIATE LONELINESS TO SECURE STIMULATION TO MAXIMIZE PLEAURE AND MINIMIZE PAIN TO GAIN SELF-KNOWLEDGE AND SELF-ESTEEM TO ALLEVIATE LONELINESS TO SECURE STIMULATION TO MAXIMIZE PLEAURE AND MINIMIZE PAIN TO GAIN SELF-KNOWLEDGE AND SELF-ESTEEM

RELATIONSHIPS MEET DEEP PERSONAL NEEDS PHYSIOLOGICAL SECURITY BELONGING ESTEEM SELF-ACTUALIZING

RELATIONSHIPS ANSWER KEY QUESTIONS SELF-CONCEPT IS PERCEPTION/COGNITION OF SELF - WHO AM I? SELF-ESTEEM: HOW WE FEEL ABOUT SELF DO I MATTER? AM I CAPABLE? CAN I INFLUENCE MY LIFE?

TWO KEY BASES OF HUMAN ATTRACTION Proximity - Geographic closeness THOSE WE INTERACT WITH MORE OFTEN Similarity - People who share MANY OF OUR INTERESTS, VALUES, ATTITUDES KEY PERSONAL NEEDS: BELONGING IT’S ALL ABOUT: Consistency - We like people like us LIVE NEAR PEOPLE SOCIALLY LIKE US AS WE COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE SIMILAR TO US, WE BECOME MORE SIMILAR IN OUR ATTITUDES TOWARD A GIVEN ISSUE.

BASES OF HUMAN ATTRACTION Attraction develops from proximity and similarity in the following situations : Perceived Reciprocity of Liking Attraction to others can depend on whether you feel that the people you like also like you- SIMILARITY Another’s “liking”increases your self-worth you return the compliment with reciprocal liking. Complementary needs Attraction is also based on COMPLEMENTARITY rather than on similarity Dominance/submission, protection/dependence, talk/silence

COMPLEMENTARITY: NEEDS AND BEHAVIOR DOMINANCE AFFILIATION Hi Lo Hi Lo ADVISESCOORDS.DIRECTSLEADS ANALYZESCRITICIZESDISAPPROVESJUDGES ACQUIESCESAGREESASSISTSOBLIGES CONCEDESEVADESRETREATSWITHDRAWS

SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS

THREE FEATURES OF SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS  INVESTMENT  WHAT WE GIVE TO OTHER AND CAN’T GET BACK IF RELATIONSHIP ENDS -OURSELVES, OUR HISTORY  COMMITMENT  BELIEF IN FUTURE; WORK THROUGH CONFLICTS  TRUST  RELIABILITY (DO WHAT YOU SAY)  COMMUNICATE HONESTLY  RELY ON OTHER FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY  BUILD TRUST THRU SELF-DISCLOSURE

TRUST: REMINDER  TRUST  BUILD TRUST THRU SELF- DISCLOSURE

THE BASES FOR RELATIONSHIPS Lecture 20b COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

TRUST AND SELF-DISCLOSURE SHOULD HAPPEN GRADUALLY RECIPROCITY - MATCHING LEVELS DECLINES OVER TIME KNOWN TO SELF UNKNOWN TO SELF KNOWNTOOTHERS OPEN AREA BLIND AREA HIDDEN AREA UNKOWN AREA UNKNOWNTOOTHERS

KNOWN TO SELF UNKNOWN TO SELF SELF IN A TRUSTING RELATONSHIP UNKNOWNTOOTHERS KNOWNTOOTHERS OPEN AREA BLIND AREA HIDDEN AREA UNKOWN AREA

TRUST AND SELF-DISCLOSURE Early Small Talk Breadth - the variety of topics communicated. There are many relationships in which the range of subjects you talk about is broad, yet discussion remains superficial. Depth - the intimacy of what is communicated. Tell someone about your work you do, but add your dissatisfaction with it or your search for a new one is far more personal and revealing. Such information intensifies the depth of your relationship

OVER TIMES DISCLOSURE CAN DEEPEN Statements Perceived as occuring in a Two Hour Conversation Perviously Unacquatined Persons: 200 Adults reviewed a 150 statements. A few of them are outlined below. They agreed that in a two hour conversation one might reveal them in this order. In the first 15 minutes: I’m a volunteer at a local hospital I’m from Toronto My son is in first year year at York. From minutes My wife is a good cook. The Leafs suck this year.

OVER TIMES DISCLOSURE CAN DEEPEN From 45 to 60 minutes. I’ve never been away on vacation. I wear contact lenses. From 60 to 75 minutes. People who don’t finish what they start annoy me. I don’t believe in evolution.. From 75 to 90 minutes: I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I’m not sure. My mother-in-law really hates me. From 90 – 105 minutes: I have a violent temper. I think we got married much too young.

SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS: RELATIONAL DYNAMICS  TENSIONS IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN:  AUTONOMY/CONNECTION  SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY  NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY  BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES  OPENNESS/CLOSENESS  SHARED THOUGHTS VS. PRIVACY

THE BASES FOR RELATIONSHIPS Lecture 20c COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

GENERAL EXPECTATIONS OF SATISFYING RELATONSHIPS 1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE

SPECIFIC EXPECTATIONS OF FRIENDSHIP RELATIONSHIPS 1.Demonstrate emotional support. 2.Try to make the friend happy when the two of you are together. 3.Stand up for the friend in his or her absence 4.Share information and feelings about successes. 5.Trust each other; confide in each other. 6.Offer to help the friend in time of need.

SPECIFIC EXPECTATIONS OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 1.Acknowledge one another's individual identities and lives beyond the relationship. 2.Express similar attitudes, beliefs, values, and interests. 3.Enhance one another's self-worth and self- esteem 4.Be open, genuine, and authentic with one another. 5.Remain loyal and faithful to one another. 6.Have substantial shared time together. 7.Reap rewards commensurate with their investments relative to the other party. 8.Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.

1. PASSION (“Magic”) EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, INTELLECTUAL 2. COMMITMENT AN INTENTION TO REMAIN WITH A RELATIONSHIP - ACT OF WILL. 3. INTIMACY INCLUDES FEELINGS OF CLOSENESS, CONNECTION, AND TENDERNESS  D. Sternberg ROMANTIC LOVE: THREE DIMENSIONS

LOVE’S PROGRESS PASSION: QUICK TO DEVELOP - (+) AND LEVEL OFF. HABITUATE. INTIMACY GROWS STEADILY AT FIRST THEN LEVELS OFF COMMITMENT: INCREASES GRADUALLY, THEN MORE RAPIDLY, LEVELS OFF

COMMITTED ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS VOLUNTARY RELATIONSHIPS PRIMARY AND CONTINUING PERMANENT ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL FEELINGS AND LOVE