Talking with Young People What Parents can do

How talk with Young People Seek a Positive Relationship Encourage Trust Use Non-Threatening Questions Manage Sensitivities Be Genuine

Kids Helpline’s Core Practice Values CHILD CENTERED AND EMPOWERMENT Benefits for Children and Young People: increases confidence increases self-esteem increases resilience decreases anxiety

Listen Rather Than Talk How talk with Young People Listen Rather Than Talk Confirm that you’re hearing the child. Use minimal encouragers of “Mmm, go on or OK” can confirm to the child that you are listening Listen without jumping in Beware of dismissive responses; “it can’t be that bad” or “don’t worry, it’ll be fine”

Help Young People Find Their Own Solutions How talk with Young People Help Young People Find Their Own Solutions Listen not only to the problem, but how the young person wants to be supported. Support the young person to problem solve their issue rather than rushing in to rescue them or solve their problem for them. Avoid giving advice directly.

Engaging with Children and Young People Taking the young person’s experience seriously Choosing language carefully Being aware of voice tone, pace, and pressure of speech Using silence appropriately Being non-judgemental Avoiding being disproportionately positive, enthusiastic or negative Using empathy – being there with the person “putting yourself into their shoes” Being culturally sensitive Acknowledging the young person’s strengths

Managing Emotions from Adolescents Notice when the young person is upset Ask what is wrong and listen Summarise what you have heard Ask them what they want to do Ask how you can help Prompt problem solving If upset continues, suggest “cooling off” Stay calm yourself Don’t buy into verbal abuse Make a time to talk later

How talk with Young People Provide Space and Time When young people begin to communicate they may use silence to gather their thoughts For kids there will generally be a time and place to communicate their feelings Have realistic expectations Match their language, tone and pace to help them feel comfortable to share their thoughts

Information Gathering Reflective Listening Listen well to what the young person is saying and how they say it Use paraphrasing to follow the story and encourage more telling Reflect feelings and experience to show appreciation of what is being conveyed Perhaps mirror the feelings, use smiles, frowns, look of concern etc (though at times the listener may want to remain neutral) Questioning Style Kids hate interrogation Use open questions – “Tell me more about that…” (often start with “how” or “what”) Use clarifying questions to check details, meaning, context, purpose etc Importance of Context The broader circumstances, others involved, organisational or social influences How does this influence the way they see things or tell their story

What qualities are we likely to find in a young person who is resilient? Confidence Competence Independence / self reliance Flexible Coping skills, including problem solving skills Persistence and determination, especially in the face of challenge All contribute to the ‘bounce back’ factor 10

Strategies for Promoting Optimism Be aware of and role model an “explanatory style” and self talk that is positive and realistic Help children to re-frame their negative self talk and catch unhelpful thoughts Encourage ‘self-assessment’ in children and be curious about their successes and failures Celebrate efforts as well as successes and give approval for trying new things Use everyday situations , stories, videos to inspire and most importantly tell your own stories from your own circle of friends and family. Persisting with a task requires the ability to dampen or inhibit negative emotions – otherwise attention focuses on frustration and persistence ends… we need to encourage children to persist through making mistakes and to learn that making mistakes is an OK thing to do –it’s the capacity to tolerate not knowing how to do something straight away, but having the belief that practice and persistence will lead to success. 11

Three benefits for people who are more optimistic than pessimistic in their approach to life? Fights depression – children still get sad but much less likely to have a major depressive episode Higher levels of achievement across a range of sporting, academic, vocational and emotional ventures Better health – in children and adults (clear links between the way we feel and our physiology - immune systems - stats) Optimism helps us to carry an attitude that looks at problems as challenges and allows us to face them with an expectation of success, drawing on previous experiences of success and remembering the lessons of past mistakes. 12

Challenging Negative Self-Talk Challenge views that promote blame, non-accountability Offer alternative explanations Could it be that………. Search for resources How have you managed to keep going? Search for exceptions Tell me about a time when things were a little different When are some times when the problem doesn’t happen

Building Positive Self-Talk Assist the child to acknowledge their own achievements Explain how thinking different ways affects how you feel Prompt you child to talk about what others might think or feel Point out helpful and unhelpful thinking Model using positive self-talk to cope with stress

Strategies Parents can use to Build Self Esteem A sense that they are noticed, heard and worthy just because of who they are. Spend time with your children, regularly Know about their interests and support these wherever possible Use incidental teaching moments to remind them of their strengths and specialness to you* Model and teach your children pro-social values (care, compassion etc) and social skills such as friendship and group skills* Model and teach interpersonal skills, eg. conflict resolution skills, help-seeking skills and the skills involved in reading and responding empathically to others’ emotions* Model respectful behaviour towards your children and others and expect it back 15

Strategies Parents can use to Build Self Control Helping children to move through their world with a sense of being able to manage things for themselves. Allow your toddlers to try lots of new things and to say “no” within reasonable limits Provide and enforce realistic boundaries and limits – it is an essential part of the emotional scaffolding children need from parents Teach your children to recognise and manage their own emotions and model these yourself* Teach your children and adolescents strategies that enable adaptive distancing from distressing and unalterable situations 16

Helping Young People Find Support Discuss how everyone needs to talk Ask about times when they have got support from others Brainstorm with them to find someone whom they can talk to: Another family member Teacher Youth worker Someone in their community School counsellor or mental health service Family services worker Kids Help Line

Strategies Parents can use to Build Self Control cont’d Enhancing their ability to manage their feelings, behaviour, and thinking processes. Continued Help the child to learn to do things for themselves and as they grow older pass over more responsibility for doing things and for decision making Give them practice at making choices from an early age Allow them lots of time to do what they’re good at as well as encouraging them to try more challenging tasks – listen when they tell you they feel unsafe Convey, wherever and whenever possible, your expectation that they are capable 18

Overview Allow the young person to tell story without judging Seek a positive relationship Reassure where appropriate Don’t jump in with an instant solution Seek advice or referral if appropriate