EMPHASIZING EFFORT OVER OUTCOME Facilitated by Alex Lindsey and Michelle Stout

THIS EVENING’S AGENDA How can we parents help our perfectionistic students embrace, develop, and emphasize:  growth  effort  failure  change  flexibility

WHAT DOES PERFECTIONISM LOOK LIKE?  Tendency to become highly anxious, angry or upset about making mistakes  Chronic procrastination and difficulty completing tasks  Easily frustrated and gives up easily  Chronic fear of embarrassment or humiliation  Overly cautious and thorough in tasks (ex: spending 3 hours on homework that should take 20 minutes)  Tries to improve things by rewriting  Frequent catastrophic reactions or meltdowns when things don’t go as expected  Refusal to try new things and risk making mistakes

LET’S TAKE A QUICK QUIZ….  Take 2-3 minutes to complete the quiz on how you believe YOUR CHILD would answer the questions.

NOW YOU!  Take 2-3 minutes to complete the quiz: To what extent do YOU agree or disagree with these statement?

“I wonder what I can do today to undermine my children, turn off their learning and limit their achievement?”

MESSAGES WE SEND TO OUR CHILDREN What we say to our children….What our children hear…… “You learned that so quickly! You’re so smart!” “If I don’t learn something quickly, I’m not smart.” “Look at the drawing. Martha, is he the next Picasso or what?” “You’re so brilliant, you got an A without even studying!” “I shouldn’t try drawing anything hard or they’ll see I’m no Picasso.”

LET’S START WITH A STORY  Nine-year-old Elizabeth was on her way to her first gymnastics meet. Lanky, flexible and energetic, she was just right for gymnastics, and she loved it. Of course, she was a little nervous about competing, but she was good at gymnastics and felt confident of doing well. She had even thought about the perfect place in her room to hang the ribbon she was sure to win.  In the first event, the floor exercises, Elizabeth went first. Although she did a nice job, the scoring changed after the first few girls and she lost. Elizabeth also did well in the other events, but not well enough to win. By the end of the evening, she had received no ribbons and was devastated.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ELIZABETH'S PARENTS?  Tell Elizabeth you thought she was the best.  Tell her she was robbed of a ribbon that was rightfully hers.  Reassure her that gymnastics is not that important.  Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.  Tell her she didn’t deserve to win.

WHERE ARE WE HEADING WITH THIS? Carol Dweck : Discovering the Importance of Mindset Carol Dweck: The Effect of Praise on Mindset

SCORING OUR QUIZ Key Scoring 1. Ability mindset – fixed 2. Ability mindset – growth 3. Ability mindset – growth 4. Personality/character mindset – fixed 5. Personality/character mindset – growth 6. Ability mindset – growth 7. Ability mindset – fixed 8. Ability mindset – fixed 9. Ability mindset – growth 10. Personality/character mindset – growth 11. Ability mindset – fixed 12. Personality/character mindset – fixed 13. Ability mindset – growth 14. Ability mindset – fixed 15. Ability mindset – growth 16. Ability mindset – fixed 17. Personality/character mindset – fixed 18. Personality/character mindset – growth 19. Ability mindset – growth 20. Ability mindset - fixed Growth Questions  1. Strongly Agree – 3 pts  Agree – 2 pts  Disagree – 1 pt  Strongly Disagree – 0pt Fixed Questions  Strongly Agree – 0 pt  Agree – 1 pt  Disagree – 2 pts  Strongly Disagree – 3 pts Are you surprised?

A PERFECTIONIST HAS DEVELOPED A FIXED MINDSET: OUTCOME OVER EFFORT

WHAT IF I’M A PERFECTIONIST, TOO?  How can parents shift their emphasis and praise to support growth and effort over outcome with their children?  Let’s revisit Elizabeth’ story…  Tell Elizabeth you thought she was the best.  Tell her she was robbed of a ribbon that was rightfully hers.  Reassure her that gymnastics is not that important.  Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.  Tell her she didn’t deserve to win.

MODEL SELF TALK Some examples of positive statements:  “Nobody’s perfect!”  “All I can do is my best”  “Believing in myself -- even when I’m making mistakes -- will help me do better!”  “I can’t do it…………….yet.” Now you try….

EMPHASIZE EFFORT AND GROWTH  What’s a typical scenario in your home?  Let’s practice creating growth/effort oriented statements and praise?

PERFECTION PERSPECTIVE

THANK YOU Contact Information:  Michelle Stout    Alex Lindsey  