What’s Your Anger Style?

Positive Things about Anger

Motivates us to take action/defend ourselves Anger is an energizer: Motivates us to take action/defend ourselves Provides stamina (stick with it!) when the task is difficult Supplies energy for the struggle Converting anger into energy allows us to take charge and to work toward what we want. Can give a feeling of control.

Anger helps express tension and communicates negative feelings Anger helps express tension and communicates negative feelings. If done in a productive way it helps resolve conflict in relationships.

Anger gives us information: About people and situations It's a signal that it's time to deal with a problem It tells us when something is wrong, frustrating, threatening or annoying

Negative Things about Anger

Anger interferes with clear thinking!! Often causes us to act on impulse Anger sometimes is used to protect our pride, cover embarrassment or hurt. It seems easier to be angry than be anxious Anger used like this prevents us from seeing our feelings and facing ourselves

Anger can start or lead to aggression Anger can give negative impressions to others If much of anger is unjustified, it may be dangerous to your health

Modeling Watching another person, and copying what they do We model after: parents, siblings, people in the media, people we admire anyone with which we spend time. The anger actions may be positive or negative

Take out the yellow sheet As a Group: Determine which style of learning the anger action is in place. Use the key to indicate the correct answer

Take out the Modeling and Operant Learning Signs Hold up the sign for what your group decided was the best answer

Take out the “Anger…It’s All About You” Individually, complete the sheet. You will use the J U S E D later in the lesson Answer the questions at the bottom

Looking at section B… What are some of the physical signs?

Looking at section C What are some anger actions you have observed?

Justified Anger… You must be able to answer "yes" to all of these questions: Was it done intentionally? Would most other people be angry in this same situation? Does it do you any good to be angry?

If you can answer "yes" to all three of these questions, it is justified anger, and deserves your attention. If you can't….then the anger is unjustified, and not worth the time and effort.

Take out the Blue sheet Have a person read the situations Determine if the situations would cause justified or unjustified anger.

REMEMBER… You must be able to answer "yes" to all of these questions: Was it done intentionally? Would most other people be angry in this same situation? Does it do you any good to be angry?

Take out the Justified and Unjustified signs Hold up the sign for what your group decided was the best answer

Find your “Anger - It’s all about You” sheet. Reading each situation, determine if it was justified or unjustified anger and circle the J or the U.

ANGER STYLES!!

DIRECT / ASSERTIVE A POSITIVE anger style Directing and being Assertive is only appropriate if the anger is justified. It is important to remember that you can't control what the other person thinks or does but you might help the situation.

People who direct anger and are assertive: Feel more intimate and close in their relationships Communicate better Get their message across Are more likely to be heard. Generally feel they have made contract in a personal way.

Characteristics of a directing situation: Voice level is not too loud. Uses good eye contact Avoids works like: Always, Never, Ought to, Should, You Uses "I" messages that center on feelings Delivered at a time when the statement is likely to be heard States the message in such a way that the other person is less likely to become defensive.

The things included in directing / assertive statements are: What the person did that caused the anger. The feelings The impact (what it does to your life) What you would like them to do or change.

Example: "It worries me when I don't get a phone call and we aren't going to leave when expected. Could you let me know when you are running late?"

Stuffing - Passive Behavior A negative anger style Moves away from confronting the person or situation Holds anger inside, trying not to show it Denies that they are angry Often says things that deny their feelings as important Don't have to deal with the consequences of confrontation, reinforces the stuffing/passive behavior.

Common reasons for Stuffing - Passive Behavior Fear of hurting the other person Think it is inappropriate to be angry Think they shouldn't be angry with that person Fear of being rejected Not able to cope with the emotional impact of interpersonal conflict.

Stuffing - Passive Behavior is negative because: Stuffed anger does not get rid of the problem Relationships suffer if one or both of the people are stuffers Stuffing gets in the way of closeness and intimacy Stuffed anger is expressed anyhow It's disguised as sarcasm Intentionally forgets to do something for the person at a later date. Holding back love Avoiding the person in the future

Stuffed anger can have harmful health effects: Ulcers Migraine headaches Overeating Under-eating Depression

Examples "I love this person….I shouldn't be angry?" "If I let them know I'm angry they will not love me anymore." "Angry?…No. I'm OK…I'm not really angry." "They really don't mean to hurt me.”

Escalating - Aggressive Behavior A negative anger style Escalators begin their sentences with the word "you" in an accusing way. They blame other people for their anger Use name calling Escalators make the situations worse.

May rant and rave or use accusatory questions Use "hard" words like: always, never, should, etc. Tell other people what they should or shouldn't do.

Reasons for Escalating - Aggressive Behavior To gain control of the other person To get their way To cover up low self esteem For power

Negatives Escalating - Aggressive Behavior Intense anger destroys relationships May bring violence to relationships May "get their way" in the short run, but usually the other person will get back at them somehow! Intense anger makes a person prone to high stress

Examples: "Why did you do that?" "I can't believe you did that…what were you thinking!?? "You make me sooooo mad!" "You are such a loser." "Only a stupid person like you would do something like that!" "You never listen." "You're always late."

“Styles of Anger Chart” Complete using the directions at the top. Take out the “Styles of Anger Chart” Complete using the directions at the top.

Take out the 2 white sheets: Color It ! & the colored pencils Following the directions, use the colored pencils and indicate the three anger styles: Assertive/Directing Passive/Stuffing Aggressive/Escalating

Take out the Instruction Papers Place in your notebook.

Not Passive Not Manipulating Not Aggressive BEING ASSERTIVE… Not Passive Not Manipulating Not Aggressive

Assertive - A Positive Communication Style Asking for what you want directly Giving people an honest “no” to things you don’t want Not using people Not letting yourself be used either I’m OK & You’re OK A Win Win situation

Aggressive - A NEGATIVE style Taking what you want Threatening or forcing Saying “no” in a way that puts the other person down Pushes people away or makes them afraid May violate the other person’s rights I’m OK - You’re a loser (I win - You Lose)

Passiveness - A negative style Not speaking up when you’d like something Giving in and saying “yes” when you don’t really want to Does this to be liked or to not hurt the other person’s feelings You’re OK - I’m Not OK (You win - I Lose)

Manipulation Can be used if the relationship isn’t important. Getting what you want in a dishonest way Doing something so they’ll give you what you want “I’m tricky, you need to be fooled” Often considered passive/aggressive

Find the 5 laminate strips There is a situation cards (1-8) and four reaction cards Distribute the cards to the group. The person with the situation card reads it to the group. Each reaction strip and decide which type is represented. AGGRESSIVE, PASSIVE, MANIPULATION & ASSERTIVE

AggressiveAssertive One group at a time: When indicated…each group will come up and stand beneath the sign for the communication type. One person will read the situation, the group will read in order from worst to best… AggressiveAssertive