Safe Dates Session 8 How we feel, how we deal

Respect each others opinions Classroom Rules Respect each others opinions Listen to each other ( No talking while someone else is speaking) No Names 1 person is talking at time No Laughing

Review Name the 8 communication skills for resolving conflict and describe them. Hint: Safe Date

8 skills of effective communication S ecure your center A sk clarifying questions F ind out what your partner’s feelings are E xpress your Feelings D etermine what’s important to you A cknowledge what’s important to your partner T hink about your similarities and differences E xchange ideas for a possible solution

Learner Outcomes Express your feelings and emotions in various ways Understand the importance of acknowledging and communicating your feelings Identify situations that trigger anger Identify physiological and psychological cues that someone is angry Identify a variety nonviolent ways to respond to anger Understand that you have a choice in how to respond to anger

Extending your feeling vocabulary All feelings are important Feelings often tell us what is right and wrong They can also tell us if we need to make changes about a situation What are some other feelings that people have besides mad, sad, and happy? In small groups come up with 3-5 feelings and list them on the board

Extending your feeling vocabulary (Continued) Important to have a big feeling vocabulary, Why? We can’t change our feelings, but we can learn skills to deal with our feelings Anger is a feeling that we have sometimes and you will you will feel angry with your boyfriend and girlfriend at some point It’s ok to be angry How you deal with your anger makes the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship

Hot Buttons What are “Hot Buttons”? Hot Buttons are those things that make you angry whenever you feel, see, or hear them. Hot buttons are the things that irritate you, “get under your skin”, or in other ways make you angry Take a minute and think about what your “Hot Buttons” are and write them down on the top half of Handout 23

Knowing when you’re angry Hot Buttons cause us to be angry Bodies give us clues when we’re angry both physical and psychological 2 types of Anger : 1. Immediate 2. Pent-up What is the Difference? On the bottom of Handout 23 please write some cues to Immediate/Pent-up Anger

Knowing when you’re angry ( Continued) Some Responses to immediate Anger Clenching fists Grinding teeth Sweaty palms Increased heart rate Tensing muscles Glaring Scowling Change in arm/body position Chills, goose bumps, shudders Headache Red Face Get very Quiet Watering Eyes Hard to Swallow “Butterflies” in the stomach

Knowing when you’re angry ( Continued Some Responses to Pent-up Anger Fantasize about telling someone off Start resenting the person Start making nasty comments about the person Withdraw from the person Find yourself obsessing over the situation

Defusing Anger Many teens who have been abusive to their dating partner claim that they were so angry, it was uncontrollable After the so-called uncontrollable anger was gone they were sorry and had feelings of guilt You may only have a few seconds between the time a Hot Button is pushed and how you decide to react to it while you are still thinking clearly

Defusing Anger Talking to myself(positive self-talk) Walking/running What are some things you could do in the few seconds after your Hot Button is pushed, but when your thinking is still clear? Talking to myself(positive self-talk) Walking/running Counting Controlling my breathing Crying Walking away/removing self from the situation Hitting a pillow Exercising strenuously Asking someone for advice Explaining to the person why I’m angry Playing with pet Listening to music

Defusing Anger Once you’ve calmed down you can use the Safe Date communication skills When you’re controlling your anger its possible to ask clarifying questions, tell the person how your feeling, and listen to the person express their feelings Anger if uncontrolled can be a warning sign that we are in a situation we need to change

Dealing with anger Exercise Part 1: Take out piece of paper and think about a time when you were angry Write a description of what made you angry (Hot Button) How you knew you were angry ( immediate or pent-up) What you did as a result of your anger

Dealing with anger Exercise Part 2: With your partner come up with a list of positive, nonviolent ways that you could respond to the situation Circle the one you like best

Conclusion Anger is controllable You can teach yourself to do things that reduce your anger without hurting others Controlling your anger is easier when you recognize your Hot Buttons Look for the physical & psychological cues Make a plan to deal with anger