Feedback on travel narrative

Rationale Paragraph 1 Start by giving a brief overview of your narrative: where does the story take place, what is it about Then describe your intended audience(s) and purpose(s) Where would your narrative be published? Paragraph 2 Explain how your narrative demonstrates an understanding of the conventions of the genre Identify which texts you used and what aspects of the writing you emulated.

It’s a TRAVEL narrative NOT a personal narrative! Your focus is the destination, the travel experience, the encounter in a different location – NOT you! Some of you need to rethink your choice of topic OR change your focus Go back to the models – they describe the trip, the experience, the people they met – it’s about the experience, the country, the incident NOT the writer.

Don’t editorialise Embed the learning from the trip INTO the narrative Don’t make this a story about you

Opening Start in the centre of the action – the freeze frame Openings – we need SETTING! Where are you? When? What time of day? Help the reader to visualise the setting Embed details about the setting INTO the opening How you got to the destination is not relevant

SHOW don’t tell Concrete detail: good writing is about looking, listening, smelling, touching, tasting. The reader needs to VISUALISE the story – to see it unfolding as you write, to hear the sounds and conversations Strong nouns Strong verbs Specific names – not the girl, but Mischa Direct speech Different kinds of sentences

SHOW don’t tell Embed detail INTO the narrative, part of the action of the story: “I’m kinda like the pope,” he grins, tucking a stray hair behind his ear as he adjusts the arm of his glasses.

Stay inside your head “My mother was shocked.” “The pain and guilt I knew she must have felt.” How do you know? What did this look like? Sound like? You need to provide concrete details so the audience sees/hears this.

Use simple language I gazed at the scintillating stream that flowed graciously down the immense grasslands. I then closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the ineffable odors of nature.

Make sure that your writing makes sense The clink of a continuous drizzle slapping against the metal ceiling. “You, too,” I rummaged to say. Parallel to the track ran a small scarce stream. Before my mind was able to attempt an understanding of what she was trying to convey, I... Fate then read my mind.

Avoid clichés spend quality time with raised eyebrows needless to say gathering my thoughts look at the big picture how the other half lives stared at me with blank eyes before we knew it, it was time to go tears welled up time stood still

Eliminate the verb “to be” Weaker: There was a stale smell in the room. Stronger: The stale smell of cigarettes and damp socks lingered in the room. Weaker: He was stopping suddenly at the traffic lights. Stronger: He stopped suddenly at the traffic lights. Weaker: The other people are acting with utmost respect. Stronger: The visitors act with utmost respect.

Words to avoid Really Very Got, gotten, getting There is/are; there was/were

Eliminate “it” Do not begin sentences with “it” – rewrite them Eliminate “It is/was” from your writing Use the pronoun sparingly

Punctuating conversation Make sure you know how to set out conversation: new speaker = new line Punctuation INSIDE the quotation marks “My father,” he began, “died of TB when I was three.” “This is not what I expected at all!” she exploded.

Write simply and honestly “my emotions were a whirlpool, its water swirling around rapidly in my mind. “

Eliminate run-on sentences Relieved, I stagger ahead, above me, hangs a sign, ‘Welcome to Manila’ in white block letters against a bright blue backdrop and, what I assume to be the same words below in the intricate curls of the Filipino language.

Verb tense Use verb tense consistently I looked to my right, and there is a gigantic, black statue.

Preposition usage Insight _____ something To know much _______ something To shudder _____ something To dwell _____ something To prepare something ____ something To focus attention _____ something