Hold Me Tight® Workshop Presented by: **** Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen

Goals To help you understand: Love Emotions/Needs Learn, and stop your negative “Dance” © Sue Johnson 2010

Couples

Couples Notice: Couple research emerged out of research done with married, heterosexual couples. Gottman and colleagues found that the degree of emotional connection between intimate partners is a predictor for marital stability. (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson 1998)

It does not go away just because we grow up. We Need Instant decrease in husbands’ heart rate, which is a reasonable proxy for physiological arousal association with lots of negative things, given a moment of humor by the wife – during a fight. Even little moments of positive affect, regulatory efforts that cross brains, the relative success of these moments have consequences. Couples who do this well were the happiest 4 years later, a little bit less successful = unhappy 4 years later – and less successful than that, divorced. (Probability with success is 35%) (Gottman: Scientifically Based Marital Therapy) It makes us vulnerable It does not go away just because we grow up.

The defining element is how we deal with our vulnerability —How we understand our emotion and the signals we get and give our partner makes the difference —Couple distress is not because we have too much emotion. —Love is an emotional bond that is a wonderful thing or an incredible source of pain. —Without it we face emotional starvation Pull people close Push people away Turn away

We need someone to talk to as much as we need fire and water We need someone to talk to as much as we need fire and water. If we don’t have them we create them. Story of Wilson from movie Cast Away - we all understood his terror and grief - we inherently understand attachment needs

Susceptibility to shock, stress and pain As we are closer we are stronger Conflict Depression Anxiety Susceptibility to shock, stress and pain Self-awareness Other-awareness Problem solving Flexibility Curiosity With secure attachment -

Having a loved one hold your hand really does take the hurt away fMRI Study – Jim Coan: Introducing threat and holding hands Why wives? “You hedge your bets” The studies are expensive. X = 20% threat of getting shock, O no shock – been done by cognitive neuroscientists over 2 decades. It’s a very reliable way to illicit negative affect. 1st replicated other studies with having the experiment done while the subject was alone. Bodily arousal - unpleasantness “How we deal with our relationships is closely tied to how long we live, how frequently we go to the doctor, how rapidly we recover from injury, how happy we tend to be in our lives. People have known for a long time that being in a relationship, particularly in a close, trusting relationship where there’s a lot of emotional connection and emotional intimacy, seems to facilitate how well your body takes care of itself.” “super couples,” those with exceptionally high-quality relationships. “Hand-holding had a particularly profound effect on soothing their brains,” Coan said, involving two structures that were not affected at all in other test subjects. People can be physically available but emotionally unavailable – which creates emotional isolation. We are social creatures. “The structures that govern our emotion and our ability to regulate our emotion all evolved in social contexts.” “Literatures on emotional in the brain and emerging literature on social processes in the brain are all talking about precisely the same structures.”

Jim Coan: Social BaselineTheory ©Rebecca Jorgensen 2010

The people we love are the "hidden regulators" of our bodily processes and our emotional lives – Sue Johnson "Hold Me Tight"

Secure Attachment is a Neural Duet We regulate each other’s physiology. Felt sense of security. We can tune into our emotions – they tell us what we need. Demassio research on meaning and decision making with amygdala injury Can give coherent messages about need. Tolerate ambiguous messages more.

Effective Dependency The level of emotional responsiveness that defines how we respond to stress. Effective dependency. The level of emotional responsiveness that defines how we respond to stress.

A.R.E. Accessibility Responsiveness Engagement

Can I reach you? Do I matter? ACCESSIBILITY

Can I depend on you? Will you come when I call? RESPONSIVENESS

Are you emotionally present? Do you share? Will you keep me close? ENGAGEMENT

A.R.E. questions are often hidden in content issues A lasting, fulling, secure, in-love relationship is entirely possible if we have a map.

It’s impossible to create a sentiment of tenderness by any process of reasoning. Marilyn Yalom

Good Morning Homework review -

Attachment Review

A.R.E. Questionnaire A.R.E. You There? A - Accessible R - Responsive E - Engaged (Present) Take a moment and write down your goals for this workshop for your couple relationship and for yourself personally and then fill out the ARE questionnaire. 7 or above - on your way to a secure bond Below 7 - need work to strengthen your bond Break up into dyads and share your responses with your partner.

Sue Johnson Zing

Primal Panic Primal Panic – if the answers to A.R.E. are no –Jaak Pankseep. Loose balance and can’t cope even if have insights and skills. The hidden script in the drama of distance is what John Bowlby called separation distress.

Still Face and Protest Separation Distress Pattern

How people get stuck And What They Need “ABC’S of Attachment” by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. Acceptance, Belonging, Comfort and Safety of attachment – to develop an ability to stay in emotional contact, to not threaten their bond, especially around sensitivities. ARE’s – especially at pivotal moments To identify their cycle/stuck place/to have their partner start to understand them and see things from different points of view to de-escalate the conflict —Without it we face emotional starvation And What They Need

Getting the Pattern and the Pain Secondary Emotion/ Reactive - Turn Up or Turn Down Primary Emotion/Vulnerable, Softer, Universal Getting the Pattern and the Pain Dysregulation is a lack of neuro-intergration (Siegel) and shows up as over-regulated emotion or under-regulated emotion. Universal Distress/Emotions Sad - Lonely - Alone Surprise - Joy Fear (attachment related fear of rejection or fear of abandonment) Shame

With Primary Emotion Revealed A Couple Interaction With Primary Emotion Revealed Use the Script with volunteer readers debrief

Attachment Perspective A Map for Loving Stable Relationships A Model for a Secure Bond attachment care taking sexuality Map outlines the logic of our emotions The longings and needs that guide interactions A path for repair and renewal A language of love A guide to pivotal and defining moments in our relationships

5 Conversations Demon Dialogue Raw Spots Rocky Moments Forgiving Injuries Hold Me Tight Possibly the 6th - on Sexuality. 7th - Keeping Love Alive

Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue

How Love Goes Wrong We get stuck in Demon Dialogues when we don’t understand: the nature of love our own needs our impact on our partner the confusing/distorted signals we often send

How Love Goes Wrong: The Demon Dialogues Misses or mis-attunements are inevitable. 2. We don’t re-attune and see the game.

How Love Goes Wrong 3. Negative Spirals 4. Enemy to Secure Connection 5. Reach/Risk - Respond If missing then negative strategies are being used.

Conversation One Overview Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Stop: Anger/Distance See the Game/Change the Level - emotional music/dance is the enemy

Three Habitual Dances Find the Bad Guy Freeze and Flee Protest Polka

Find the Bad Guy Where did this start? Black & White Anger Both trapped Stuck in Content

Find the Bad Guy Spiral The more you attack, the more dangerous you appear the more I watch my back the harder I hit back The more you attack,

Freeze and Flee Mutual Withdrawal Strangers - parallel live Prelude to detachment

Freeze and Flee Spiral The more I hold back and shutdown my feelings The more careful and distant you become The more distant you are The more I go into my shell and chill out

Protest Polka Most Common Disconnection protest Needs hidden Unclear signals

Protest Polka Spiral the more I pursue (complain, demand, instruct criticize) the more dangerous I appear the more you move away (shut-down, defend, dismiss) the more dangerous (uncaring/inaccessible) you appear the more I try to get through

Do you pull your partner into this spiral? One says the message - DO NOT ENTER (it’s dangerous) The other turns up the heat - LET ME IN (it’s dangerous)

Pursuing Partners I’m dying here. I’m shut out. My feelings don’t matter. It’s lonelier than living alone. By myself. Dismissed. I get no response. I yell to get a response, any response. I don’t matter to.... We’re roommates.

Withdrawing Partners I never get it right - can’t please. I try to FIX it - doesn’t work. I give up, space out. Best to avoid a fight - try to keep things calm. I’m failing here. Paralyzed. No point. Go behind my wall. Numb out.

Safe emotional engagement is the only “solution” to this problem.

Introduction to HMT Couple

Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Your spouse’s negativity.... leaves you shell shocked. You feel so defenseless you’re left with the most reflexive, least sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone.

Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Introduce Arwen and Blair

Exercise Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue Introduce exercise Emotionally prepare participants for this exercise - what could happen, what do to do if you get triggered. Debrief

Conversation Two - Overview Finding the Raw Spots Sensitivities Temperament, attachment histories, present relationships, traumas We all have them

Vulnerability Comes with Love Choice: How to deal with it? Security - share, soothe, trust deepens More Insecure - Emotion UP or OFF, hit each other’s raw spots

ZING Raw spots clip from AAMFT 2009 Sacramento Plenary: ZING

Goal: Pinpoint the attachment vulnerabilities, the deeper attachment feelings that trigger Demon Dialogues.

Universal Raw Spots Trigger Alarm Fight/Flight Helplessness Deprived -> Deserted Deprived -> Rejected

To Show Ourselves Takes Courage Emotions are fast - if disorganized - confused - off balance. Signals get scrambled. We show nothing which is reactive shut down (protect)or We show reactive anger (more control)

Hard to Tune Into Raw Spot Emotions are FAST We pick up on secondary coping responses.

When a Raw Spot is Hit Radical shift in emotional tone Response may seem out of proportion When off balance - instant survival mode - step into spiral Often no map - out of control - feelings themselves get scary or cue shame. Making sense of raw spots and dealing with them well is key to breaking power of Demon Dialogues at moments of disconnection.

What we do in moments of disconnection is key Emotion is the music of the attachment dance.

Video Introduction to HMT Couple

Video Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

Video 2 Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

Unpacking the Raw Spot Cue/Trigger Body Feeling Inner Dialogue (catastrophe) Action fight/flee or move close/move away Surface feeling your partner sees Raw deeper emotion

EXERCISE Conversation Two Sensitivities debrief We all have them

Conversation 3 Revisiting a Rocky Moment © Sue Johnson 2010

Focus is on Repairing rifts Rising above the negative cycle Reframing the cycle as the enemy - not your partner © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps See spiral. Call it. Stop it. © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Both claim your moves See spiral. Call it. Stop it. © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Own how you shape your partners feelings. See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Supportively share your softer emotions See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Find an exit, comfort each other © Sue Johnson 2010 See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions Find an exit, comfort each other © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Steps Recreate a secure base See spiral. Call it. Stop it. Both claim your moves Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared. Supportively share your softer emotions Find an exit, comfort each other Recreate a secure base © Sue Johnson 2010

Group Reading What is Arwen and Blair’s main Demon Dialogue? What role do each play? (p/w) What are Arwen’s underlying raw spot emotions? Blair’s? How do they take control? What happens when they do? Can you imagine doing this? © Sue Johnson 2010

EXERCISE Conversation Three © Sue Johnson 2010

Conversation Forgiving Injuries © Sue Johnson 2010

Presence - not perfection We will hurt those we love. It’s how we deal with this that matters. © Sue Johnson 2010

What is hurt? Reactive Anger Sadness Fear Rejection Abandonment Always about the value of self and connection with self.

Unanswered Calls Relationship Traumas involve disconnection at moments of high: Fragility Need Loss Illness Trauma Uncertainty © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Injuries Relationship Traumas involve disconnection at moments of high need. Destroy Safety Destroy Trust Abandonment and Betrayal = NEVER AGAIN © Sue Johnson 2010

Make negative cycles worse or create them Can’t dismiss Can’t go around Time does not heal MUST GO THROUGH © Sue Johnson 2010

Only one kind of apology works © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries Wounded one distills and discloses the pain - what it is The event © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 2. Other tunes in, accepts the hurt. Openly shares how their hurtful actions evolved. Warning: you (the disclosing partner) might get triggered here - work to stay out of defending or protesting. © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 3. Wounded one shares the core of the hurt. Not blaming or defining the other. The emotional essence © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 4. Other now apologizes. Expresses real remorse - regret, sadness, shame. You’re pain, hurts me. © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 5. Wounded one can now ask for comfort. The connection that was and is missed. © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 6. Partner provides the antidote. I am here now. © Sue Johnson 2010

Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries 7. Together create a story of healing. New view of the relationship. © Sue Johnson 2010

Powerful Apologies KEY MESSAGES Your hurt: is legitimate/understand able impacts me - I care about it. I feel sorrow, regret shame that I hurt you. I am here now Toxic alternatives: I refuse to trust and test you again, and again. “Prove it.” or I deceive, refuse to be seen, cannot own my impact on you. Deny. © Sue Johnson 2010

Powerful Apologies There is a right moment to forgive. We can not predict it in advance, we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives. Don’t do it quickly but don’t wait too long...if we wait too long, our rage settles in and claims squatters rights to our souls. © Sue Johnson 2010

Video © Sue Johnson 2010

Ask Yourself Do you have relational hurts that keep echoing back? © Sue Johnson 2010

Ask Yourself Can you help your partner understand the key emotional part of this hurt without blaming? © Sue Johnson 2010

Ask Yourself When you listen, can you hear your partner’s hurt and let it touch you? © Sue Johnson 2010

Ask Yourself Can you express regret, asking how you can help to heal this hurt? © Sue Johnson 2010

EXERCISE Forgiveness Conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

EXERCISE Forgiveness 1. Hurt partner describes pain in attachment terms - “Never again” 2. Other acknowledges the hurt partner’s pain and their part in it 3. Injured one risks, shares deeper feelings – terrible conclusions 4. Other owns impact of his/her actions, expresses “real” remorse - I care about your pain. Your pain is legitimate I feel regret / shame at my actions. I am here now 5. Hurt partner expresses fears and needs alive in the injury - A Hold Me Tight conversation. 6. Other now responds - offers safe haven. Emotional presence heals. 7. Together, the couple create a new healing story. © Sue Johnson 2010

Hold Me Tight Conversation 5 Becoming Open and Responsive © Sue Johnson 2010

A.R.E. A positive cycle that creates safety and connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

When we can have this conversation we can: Recover from distress (EFT research) Grow trust - create safe haven/secure base Turn on cuddle hormone Access skills, be flexible Be more assertive and confiding © Sue Johnson 2010

When we can have this conversation we can: Empathize and give care Play in sex Within ourselves - grow, learn, risk With another - RESONATE - coordinate moves Solve problems, they are just problems now © Sue Johnson 2010

Your Partner Can Help You Tune In To: Share Fears. So you can stay positively engaged. Share Deeper Needs. So you can help your partner respond. This creates Safe, strong partners. Safe, strong bonds. © Sue Johnson 2010

The Tipping Point Conversation Actively build positive bonding spiral Turn moments of disconnection into A.R.E. conversation Create Effective Dependency © Sue Johnson 2010

Creating Resonance Secure Talk Tuning in and speaking the language of attachment Accessing fears and longings Fears and longings - two sides of the same coin Secure Talk © Sue Johnson 2010

What Am I Most Afraid Of? Share Openly Part 1: Take the elevator down into the emotions - listen to them Focus inside - find felt sense Name the fear: can use image or adjective Explore the “Terrible if’s” What are the fears that leap out at moments of disconnection and pull me into demon dialogues Use emotions identified in Conversation 2 Image - shattered/ Adjective - helpless/ Emotion - terrified Terrible If’s - catastrophic beliefs Share Openly © Sue Johnson 2010

The Hold Me Tight Message Part 2: Listen to, and hold, the longing in the fear. Share this, “I need” message How can you help me feel a secure connection? What I need From You Is © Sue Johnson 2010

The Hold Me Tight Message Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ I need you to _____________ You do have to ask - be specific - be sure it’s about your attachment need (acceptance, belonging/I’m yours and you’re mine, comfort or safety) Be at the same level Other Attends - Tunes In Offers FEELING response © Sue Johnson 2010

Too Hard? Slice it Thinner Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ I need you to _____________ AND it’s too hard to ask right now. What are you afraid of will happen if you ask? Be at the same level Other Attends - Tunes In Offers FEELING response © Sue Johnson 2010

Too Hard? Slice it Thinner Part 2: When deep inside I feel ______ (like I do right now), I need you to _____________. Be at the same level For Partner: “I hear you. I want to, and I don’t know how right now” © Sue Johnson 2010

At best: HMT statements Coherent What and how (voice and face) fit together with meaning Emotionally engaged, in contact, sincere Clear and simple message to our partner Focused on present moment (not past or future) Be at the same level © Sue Johnson 2010

At best: HMT statements To achieve a lasting loving bond we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals... We have to recognize the primal code of attachment rather than to attempt to dismiss and by pass it. Susan M. Johnson, Hold Me Tight Be at the same level © Sue Johnson 2010

HMT Conversation Video Sue’s intro - then arwen and blair © Sue Johnson 2010

HMT Conversation Video Tim and Kim © Sue Johnson 2010

EXERCISE Hold Me Tight Conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

Synchrony Sex Conversation 6 Bonding Through Sex and Touch © Sue Johnson 2010

Key Points Safe emotional connection fosters great sex – Great sex creates deeper emotional connection Sex is intimate play - a safe adventure. Part of a good relationship. Fear and arousal don’t mix. “Thrill” is presence and responsiveness to the moment © Sue Johnson 2010

3 Kinds of Sex 1. Sealed Off 2. Solace Sex 3. Secure Synchrony Sex 1. Focuses on sensation, performance, novelty 2. Cuddles, not orgasm, sex is the proof of love 3. Lets go, tunes in, communicates, expresses needs, open to the moment. © Sue Johnson 2010

Practice and Presence makes Perfect Touch and Chemistry link Sex and Attachment Bonding and Mating are meant to be integrated © Sue Johnson 2010

3 Kinds of Sex Touch arouses and soothes Oxytocin released at orgasm and tender touch (and bonding conversations) © Sue Johnson 2010

Video Bonding Thru Sex and Touch arwen and blair © Sue Johnson 2010

Bonding Through Sex and Touch Exercise Bonding Through Sex and Touch © Sue Johnson 2010

Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive © Sue Johnson 2010

Reach and Receive In love, you don’t have to fix everything, you just have to be there. © Sue Johnson 2010

We all need loving attention Giving and receiving love is like a language, use it or lose it. © Sue Johnson 2010

We all need loving attention Bonds are a dance, if no practice.... © Sue Johnson 2010

We all need loving attention Emotional Starvation © Sue Johnson 2010

Proposition If we recognize and accept the primal code of attachment, and learn to dance to this tune (co-regulate) we can create more loving relationships, families and societies. © Sue Johnson 2010

Starts with one key relationship. and this Starts with one key relationship! and this... ...Starts with one key conversation © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 1. Know the danger point detours © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 2. Album - keep images and stories of key moments © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 3. Create rituals - small everyday and more momentous. Coming and going Connecting and disconnecting Making time © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 4. Do HMT (fears & needs) conversations. The best investment you will ever make. © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 5. Safety first - connect emotionally. Especially before problem solving struggles. © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive Create a resiliency relationship story. Dragons fought Stressors survived Injuries healed Key responses that created and create connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 7. Write a future love story Dreams Possibilities In 10 years time we will. © Sue Johnson 2010

Ways to keep your love alive 8. Play 90 minutes a Week: Novel Challenging Research indicates playing increase marital satisfaction © Sue Johnson 2010

Secure Connection: Key Messages Our need for this specific kind of emotional connection is: PRIMARY/ABSOLUTE the basis of marriage, family, humane society “neural net of hope and faith” © Sue Johnson 2010

We must accept our longings, needs, biology - the primal code of attachment. To reach and respond. © Sue Johnson 2010

Secure Connection: Key Learning Compassion for others and tolerance are best learned through secure connection. © Sue Johnson 2010

Secure Connection: Key Learning Emotional presence and responsiveness is key to love and loving. © Sue Johnson 2010

Secure Connection: Key Learning Love is not a mystery anymore. © Sue Johnson 2010

Deep and lasting love is within the reach of all of us © Sue Johnson 2010

Secure Connection: Key Learning In love, you don’t have to be rich or smart or talented or funny. You just have to be there. Robert Karen.

Exercise: Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive © Sue Johnson 2010

Closing Sharing