Chapter 15 Sex and Love

Quote for the day How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as love? - Albert Einstein

What is love? Attraction, romance, passion, intimacy, commitment

Types of Love There are all types of love There is no clear and consistent consensus on what love is or the relationship among loving thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Romantic love is probably as old as humankind. Two phases of love have been identified: –Passionate love –Companionate love

Passionate Love Scale

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love –In order for individuals to realize their full potential as human beings, Maslow believed it was necessary not only to love, but also to be loved in return. –B-Love: Being in Love –D-Love: Deficiency Love

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love –Love is composed of three ingredients Passion Intimacy Commitment

Sternberg’s triangle

Different Combinations of the Three Elements

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Lee’s Styles of Loving 1. Eros 2. Ludus 3. Storge 4. Pragma 5. Mania 6. Agape

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Lee’s Styles of Loving Rubin’s Scale –13-item love scale –Liking versus loving –Loving relationships: attachment, caring, intimacy

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Lee’s Styles of Loving Rubin’s Scale Tennov’s Theory of Limerence Intrusive thoughts about the object of passionate desire. An acute longing for the feeling to be reciprocated. Dependence of your mood on your perception of your loved one’s actions. Fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the loved one’s presence.

Theories of Love Maslow’s B-Love and D-Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Lee’s Styles of Loving Rubin’s Scale Tennov’s Theory of Limerence Other Theories on Love

Chemistry of Love

Attraction: Looking for Love Physical Appearance –“Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? –Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but the beholder’s vision is not always 20/20 –Both men and women rate personal qualities as more important than physical traits in long- term, meaningful relationships.

The Top Ten Traits Most Effective in Attracting Opposite Sex Partners

Attraction: Looking for Love The Beauty Evolution –Certain physical characteristics are almost universally found to be sexually attractive Both attracted to clean people with good complexions Men prefer plump, wide-hipped women to slim ones –Evolutionary theorists suggest that those traits that are universally found attractive are ones that indicate good reproductive health.

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young –Both men and women are regarded as more attractive if they are young, but the importance of looking young appears to be greater for women than men. –The attraction to young-looking women is plausibly based on biological factors, given how widespread it is. –There may be evidence that attractiveness in humans is an indicator of health.

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry –People whose facial and bodily features are symmetrical are generally seen as more attractive. –Evolutionary theory gives one explanation for these preferences

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? –The “average” face –Attractive men: thick eyebrows, small eyes, thin lips, square jaw –Attractive women: large eyes, small nose, full hips, prominent cheekbones, large chin, good grooming

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? –Dark skin and hair are attractive in a man, whereas fair skin and light-colored hair are attractive in women

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? Thinness –Men are generally attracted to the “hour-glass” figure –At the height of her celebrity, Marilyn Monroe was a voluptuous size 12 –Gender gap in physical preferences –Many women develop eating disorders to be thin

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? Thinness Slim waist or fat wallet? –Evolutionary theory - social dominance –Women prefer taller men

Tactics of Attraction for Males and Females

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? Thinness Slim waist or fat wallet? The apparel appeal –Clothes contribute to sex appeal

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? Thinness Slim waist or fat wallet? The apparel appeal The marriage gradient –The “trophy mate” pattern –Women marry up; men marry down

Gender and Sex Appeal Looking young The importance of symmetry What makes a pretty face? Tall, light, and handsome? Thinness Slim waist or fat wallet? The apparel appeal The marriage gradient The effect of sexual orientation on sexual attraction

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity Familiarity Readiness Similarity Reciprocity

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity –Friendship and love can grow out of frequent interactions –Looking into someone’s eyes may be a particularly potent way to increase attraction

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity Familiarity –Having close knowledge and shared experiences with another person –Familiarity may explain gradual decline in sexual passion in long-term relationship –Familiarity can help account for differences between heterosexual and homosexual relationships

Initial Attraction

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity Familiarity Readiness –Timing also plays an important role in the development of love relationships.

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity Familiarity Readiness Similarity –This is a key to long-term love –Similarity in attitudes, values, personalities, physical attractiveness

Romance: Falling in Love Proximity Familiarity Readiness Similarity Reciprocity –Most people like people who like them

Sex: Making Love Love and Lust –There is some evidence that sex is emotionally and physically better with the person you love. –Casual sex is far more appealing to men than to women –It is probably true that love makes for better sex.

The Relationship of Sex and Love

Sex: Making Love Love and Lust –Age and experience may impact our romantic love beliefs –Research findings suggest men fall in love more quickly than women –Men suffer more than women from the breakup of a relationship

The Importance of Love

Important Traits in Selecting a Mate

Attachment: Staying In Love Attachment Styles –Has its roots in infancy –Ainsworth: secure, anxious/ambivalents, avoidants –Hatfield & Rapson: secure, clingy, skittish, fickle, casual, uninterested

Attachment Styles

Attachment: Staying In Love Attachment Styles Time and Passion –Successful relationships must eventually negotiate the shift from passionate love to companionate love Passion tends to rise sharply early in the relationship Intimacy rises more slowly

The Intimacy Love Scale

Attachment: Staying In Love Attachment Styles Time and Passion Commitment Styles –Benefits of being in a committed relationship.

A Commitment Love Scale

Intimacy, Love, and Sexual Communication Opening Lines –First message: “Notice me” and second is “I am harmless” –Universal pattern of female flirting –Types of opening lines or “grooming talk” –Men tend to be more active in the beginning stages of developing a relationship and tend to be more interested than women in the goal of sexual intimacy.

Intimacy, Love, and Sexual Communication Opening Lines Talking About Sex –Sexual behavior is a form of communication –Discussing the sexual relationship can be difficult. –Those who communicate well in the bedroom are more likely to be happy with their relationship and engage in sex more frequently.

Intimacy, Love, and Sexual Communication Opening Lines Talking About Sex Talking About Love –Deborah Tannen: Gender differences in communication –John Gottman: Constructive versus destructive communication –Good communication involves listening as well as talking

Constructive Communication Tactics

Destructive Communication Tactics

Intimacy, Love, and Sexual Communication Opening Lines Talking About Sex Talking About Love Communicating Without Words –Good communication does not have to be verbal –Problem of misinterpretation –Importance of touch –Importance of eye contact