Last Week’s Follow-up  “It’s My Fault” (only if both spouses say it)- look at self  There are many reasons we choose our mates- conscious & unconscious  False expectations create problems (myth of romantic love)  There is no Biblical mandate or rulebook for mate selection  Communication is Oxygen  Questions from last week

I speak because I know my needs, I speak with hesitation because I know not yours. My words come from my life’s experiences. Your understanding comes from yours. Because of this, what I say, and what you hear, may not be the same. So if you listen carefully, not only with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart, maybe somehow we can communicate.

James 1: My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s eyes.

II Corinthians 1:13-14 My letters have been straightforward, and there is nothing written between the lines and nothing you can’t understand. I hope someday you will fully understand us, even if you don’t fully understand us now. Then one day when the Lord Jesus comes back again, you will be proud of us in the same way we are proud of you.

I. The Importance of Listening Skills

Why are we poor listener’s? Selective Listening Physiological Reasons Too many stimuli Self-Centered Humanity- failure to turn to God to help us understand each other

Reasons for Communication Failure Failure to understand Different perception of meaning of message Preoccupation, disinterest, distractions Emotional mind-reading Conflicting non-verbals Threats & ultimatums Actions betray words

U of M Study Good Communication = High Marital Satisfaction (easy-going, pleasant conversations about everyday events; wives interpret this as “affection”… husbands interpret empathic listening as affection)

Other Studies Show: Successful & healthy marriages grow together, sharing feelings, ideas & goals; the reverse happens in unhealthy marriages- where spouses avoid conversations for fear of confrontation

II. How Can We be Better Listeners?

By Creating a Safe Place * Pray * Empathy * Warmth * Unconditional Positive Regard * Understanding * Use Active Listening or the Speaker-Listener Technique

By Living the Motto: Seek first to understand then to be understood

By Using the Speaker- Listener Technique Give each the chance to be heard- the floor Relate first- Resolve second Explanations/Apology comes after you have demonstrated appreciation for the other’s feelings Set time aside to work it out “I’d like to talk about X… ok?” Focus on one problem Don’t blame Reserve… use the brakes

By Learning from Neuro- Linguistic Programming (NLP) Visual (I See-Recall) Auditory (I Hear) Kinesthetic (I Feel)

By Learning to Understand & Appreciate Your Spouse’s “Language”

By Listening for Nonverbal Messages  Listen for what is not said  Concentrate on hidden emotional meanings  Physical gestures  Facial expressions  Tone of Voice  Body posture  Be aware of tune out words

III. Principles & Application

Principles Applied  Speak clearly & directly… no hidden messages and indirect statements… Listen Indirectly  Listen to understand… not to be understood… keep your anger in check and your mouth shut  Get outside of yourself- make the effort to show empathy, warmth- don’t let your emotions block your understanding

Practical Application Take time each day to practice “active listening”… make “Did I hear you right?” an everyday word; Learn the language of love in your spouse; Make understanding a priority

James 1: My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s eyes.

II Corinthians 1:13-14 My letters have been straightforward, and there is nothing written between the lines and nothing you can’t understand. I hope someday you will fully understand us, even if you don’t fully understand us now. Then one day when the Lord Jesus comes back again, you will be proud of us in the same way we are proud of you.